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zz92117 发表于 2014-5-7 10:41:53 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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本帖最后由 perlin 于 2014-5-11 09:45 编辑

题目:Getting advice from friends who are older than you is more valuable than getting advice from friends in your same age.

It is universally admitted that older people have more wisdoms than the younger ones, and thus, many people tend to think that getting advice from the older is more valuable than from the same age. However, I personally object to the perspective, for a friend in the same age are more likely to feel what I feel and come up with advice which I need most.
First of all, the seniors, living on their experience that is somewhat old-fashioned, are often stereotypical and stubborn, away from the modern thoughts and conceptions. For instance, upon graduation from high school, my grandmother began to advise me to choose a teaching major, because in her perspective, teachers are stable, high-paid and easy to look for a husband. As for my preference, to become an artist, is viewed by her as an arduous and useless job. My grandmother, similar to her generation, considers one’s career merely a way to make money instead of pursuing interests or dreams. On the contrary, my friends all supported my determination. With their accompany, I endured the hardest period and successfully passed the entrance examination of my dream school. As my sweet friend said, artist is a serious and respectful career. So the advice from the friends who are the same age is more useful.
In addition, friends in the same age are much more likely to feel what I feel because they are confused by the similar experience. Taking myself as an example, it was really a desperate time when I firstly fell in love but were rejected unfortunately. I truly had a broken heart, felt disappointed with myself and even tried to commit suicide. My parents, however told me that I did not understand what love truly meaned and warned me not to do anything might affect my academic achievements. My affection was thought ridiculous and naive, which deeply hurt me. What is my friends’ advice? They hold me and told me if I swept, there were tears in their eyes also. Peers who stand on the same life phase and observe life from the same window, not only give me their precious advice but also share their feelings which forms the wide difference between advice from the older and the peers.
To sum up, advice from friends at the same age is more reliable and precious than those from the old. With the peer’s suggestions, we see life as a whole, becoming nobler than we are, wiser than we are and better than we feel.

求狠批...文章的结构、论据分布什么的不知道有没有问题。然后就是用词是不是太土了....其实我还改了几句王尔德的话套进来

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perlin 发表于 2014-5-7 11:51:26 | 显示全部楼层
题目:Getting advice from friends who are older than you is more valuable than getting advice from friends in your same age.

It is universally admitted that older people have more wisdoms than the younger ones, and thus, many people tend to think that getting advice from the older is more valuable than from the same age. However, I personally object to the perspective, for a friend in the same age are more likely to feel what I feel and come up with advice which I need most.
First of all, the seniors, living on their experience that is somewhat old-fashioned, are often stereotypical and stubborn, away from the modern thoughts and conceptions. For instance, upon graduation from high school, my grandmother began to advise me to choose a teaching major, because in her perspective, teachers are stable, high-paid and easy to look for a husband LOL, “容易嫁老公”这么表达好像有点奇怪,最好改成“popular among men”?不知道还有没有更好的表达. As for my preference, to become an artist, is viewed by her as an arduous and useless job. My grandmother, similar to her generation, considers one’s career merely a way to make money instead of pursuing interests or dreams. On the contrary, my friends all supported my determination. With their accompany, I endured the hardest period and successfully passed the entrance examination of my dream school. As my sweet friend said, artist is a serious and respectful career. So the advice from the friends who are the same age is more useful.
In addition, friends in the same age are much more likely to feel what I feel because they are confused by the similar experience. Taking myself as an example, it was really a desperate time when I firstly fell in love, fessed up but were was rejected unfortunately. I truly had a broken heart, felt disappointed with myself and even tried to commit suicide. My parents, however told me that I did not understand what love truly meaned and warned me not to do anything might affect my academic achievements. My affection was thought ridiculous and naive, which deeply hurt me. What is my friends’ advice? They hold me and told me if I swept, there were tears in their eyes also. Peers who stand on the same life phase and observe life from the same window, not only give me their precious advice but also share their feelings which forms the wide difference between advice from the older and the peers.
To sum up, advice from friends at the same age is more reliable and precious than those from the old. With the peer’s suggestions, we see life as a whole, becoming nobler than we are, wiser than we are and better than we feel.

求狠批...文章的结构、论据分布什么的不知道有没有问题。然后就是用词是不是太土了....其实我还改了几句王尔德的话套进来

纯理科生一枚,所以王尔德的话不太懂。
这篇文章的逻辑、用词、结构都没有大问题,保守说,满分15分拿到11分以上应该没有问题,有些词用得蛮好的。
但是读完以后就是没有一种特别爽的感觉,原因之一可能是LZ的语言、思维都是有些偏Chinglish的,但是又想杂糅进英伦味道的缘故。
另外一个原因,LZ举的第二个例子并不好,早恋对于美国人不算一个问题,“My parents, however told me that I did not understand what love truly meaned and warned me not to do anything might affect my academic achievements.”。还有,“a teaching major, because in her perspective, teachers are stable, high-paid and easy to look for a husband”这样的话美国评卷官读起来会觉得有些confusing,他们会想“这个考生是哪国人啊?在他们国家,老师很好嫁老公么?”.

建议:细读OG满分范文,多看CNN新闻通稿,或者上Coursera上的公开课,体会下美国人说话习惯。美国人说话简明、不作、信息量大、很少大篇幅说理。

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perlin 发表于 2014-5-7 18:27:38 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 perlin 于 2014-5-7 18:32 编辑

关于“简明、信息量大、很少大篇幅说理”,就拿你的第二个例子,我尝试写一下。
In my junior year in Forest Lake High School, I had a crush on a guy named Sebastian. However, he showed reluctance when I finally decided to confess my love. As a teenager, it was sort of a huge blow to me and advice was what I was looking for. I first attempted to turn to my parents, who grew up in a rather more conservative social environment. They offered nothing but a lecture about me being "abrupt", since it is regarded "outrageous" by parents for a teenage girl to chase a boy here in China. My parents questioned my capability for maintaining a romantic relationship and forbid me to do such thing ever again. On the contrary, my friends of my same age, Mandy and Cynthia, simply gave me a hug and told me if I swept, there were tears in their eyes also. Especially, Mandy even taught me how to use make-up to magnet men's eyes in a party. They did not do much, but as they both broke up with their boyfriends before, they knew what a disheartened girl really needed then. I believe people of same age share similar experience, hence they may provide more eligible suggestions and help when needed.

这段话不算很长,但是---(下面是王婆卖瓜时间)
1.把该交待的东西都交待掉了。
2.哪一年、爱上的是谁、爸妈说了什么、什么社会背景导致爸妈会这么跟我说、同学叫什么名字、同学当年几岁、同学具体是怎么帮我排解的、为什么同学的排解能入我心坎,统统讲得很具体详实但又不显得罗嗦跑题,例子具体、真实,叙述例子的每一句话都和本段要证明的分论点有关。
3.几乎没有说理,但是说理已经蕴含在parents和Mandy&Cynthia的例子的两相对比里了,最后一句话是必不可少的,总结概括出你想说明的结论,这个论点就算证完了。
4.难词(加粗)和简单词都有,有简单词显得不做作,有难词可以加词汇分,这些难词都没有到GRE级别,但是足以让你的表达灵活一点。

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Ror 发表于 2014-5-10 22:29:37 | 显示全部楼层
perlin 发表于 2014-5-7 18:27
关于“简明、信息量大、很少大篇幅说理”,就拿你的第二个例子,我尝试写一下。
In my junior year in F ...

今天又认真看了一下perlin补写的这一段,发现文笔真是好啊...

perlin的这个段落表面上看是把楼主的原文润色了一遍,但我认为在论证上有一个根本性的不同在于:perlin的段落中把同龄friends给的具体advice写出来了("how to use make-up to magnet men's eyes"),并且这个advice在文章描绘的context下非常合理。可是楼主的段落中只是在说peer friends can feel the same,却没有讲出他们除了表达同情之外是否还给了任何advice。而文章的主题是需要落脚在"advice"上的,仅仅feel the same我想应该是不能算数的。

虽然perlin的段落中的很多好词也吸引我,但最引起我注意的其实是那个非常具体的advice,使得这个段落的论证是切题的,而楼主的原段落我感觉就没有那么切题了...

加油~

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 楼主| zz92117 发表于 2014-5-9 20:27:33 | 显示全部楼层
perlin 发表于 2014-5-7 18:27
关于“简明、信息量大、很少大篇幅说理”,就拿你的第二个例子,我尝试写一下。
In my junior year in F ...

明白您的意思了。第一次在地里发帖子,就遇到这么好的人,学到这么多。。太感动了。。热泪盈眶。。
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 楼主| zz92117 发表于 2014-5-7 13:15:19 | 显示全部楼层
perlin 发表于 2014-5-7 11:51
题目:Getting advice from friends who are older than you is more valuable than getting advice from f ...

非常感谢,受教了。

之前确实没有考虑过举的例子是不是美国人难以理解。
Chinglish是意料之中,虽然看了很多作文,但是写起来还是用中文的思路边想边翻译着写。果然还是要多练一练。
以及,简明、信息量大、很少大篇幅说理 的意思是多举例?还是说例子要写的比较有条理有深度?这样举例子的方式要改一改?
(话说一直觉得大篇幅说理才是简明、信息量大,而不是举例子。)
中文写作中从来没这样举什么爷爷奶奶爸爸妈妈的例子,所以一直不习惯,这也是模仿其他文章里的例子写的。

同纯理科生,就是喜欢王尔德。
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perlin 发表于 2014-5-9 15:10:06 | 显示全部楼层
谢谢给加分的各位~
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perlin 发表于 2014-5-9 21:30:21 | 显示全部楼层
zz92117 发表于 2014-5-9 20:27
明白您的意思了。第一次在地里发帖子,就遇到这么好的人,学到这么多。。太感动了。。热泪盈眶。。

不客气加油
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admit 发表于 2014-5-11 00:55:31 | 显示全部楼层
Lz你那篇里有好几处主谓不一致,需要注意语法阿。

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perlin 发表于 2014-5-11 09:42:45 | 显示全部楼层
Ror 发表于 2014-5-10 22:29
今天又认真看了一下perlin补写的这一段,发现文笔真是好啊...

perlin的这个段落表面上看是把楼主的原文 ...

谢谢,你讲到点子上了。TOEFL独立写作就是讲究要“把话说出来”而不是一个很vague的句子
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 楼主| zz92117 发表于 2014-5-11 21:35:22 | 显示全部楼层
Ror 发表于 2014-5-10 22:29
今天又认真看了一下perlin补写的这一段,发现文笔真是好啊...

perlin的这个段落表面上看是把楼主的原文 ...

受教。

是说到点上了。。怎么看都觉得自己的例子别扭。

好文笔一时半会练不成,先努力把例子写对了。
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 楼主| zz92117 发表于 2014-5-11 21:36:36 | 显示全部楼层
admit 发表于 2014-5-11 00:55
Lz你那篇里有好几处主谓不一致,需要注意语法阿。

谢谢。文章改了几遍,没想到还是有各种毛病没注意到。
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silva58 发表于 2014-7-29 17:56:06 | 显示全部楼层
看着大神们的回复,学习了!
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Coowesome 发表于 2014-10-27 23:22:47 | 显示全部楼层
其实我看到楼主的例子是觉得有点confusing的,因为是older friends vs peers, 虽然是想支持 经历相同有共鸣 这个点,用父母做反面的话会不会不太合适?而且如果是说 有所经历能懂得你的需要 不是应该指的是年长一些给advice的会好一点...
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 楼主| zz92117 发表于 2014-11-17 21:23:55 | 显示全部楼层
Coowesome 发表于 2014-10-27 23:22
其实我看到楼主的例子是觉得有点confusing的,因为是older friends vs peers, 虽然是想支持 经历相同有共鸣 ...

主要是想强调感同身受,但是表达不清T T。。写帖子还是一战时候,现在在准备三战,回头看这帖子心情很悲伤。。来来回回写了估计有几十篇,作文完全没进步
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Coowesome 发表于 2014-11-19 18:22:12 | 显示全部楼层
zz92117 发表于 2014-11-17 21:23
主要是想强调感同身受,但是表达不清T T。。写帖子还是一战时候,现在在准备三战,回头看这帖子心情很悲 ...

不用灰心~我觉得仔细改和研究范文很重要的,练思路和速度!找个写作不错的帮你改改~
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mollis 发表于 2016-3-5 10:46:09 | 显示全部楼层
@zz92117 麻烦盗号者把密码改回来,谢谢。现在在求职阶段,恐怕比楼主更需要大米。

另外,申请一大因素是人品,盗号损人品啊亲。

另另外,真的拜托了。。被盗号好伤心啊啊啊。。
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Coherence 发表于 2017-4-29 19:47:28 | 显示全部楼层
perlin 发表于 2014-5-7 18:27
关于“简明、信息量大、很少大篇幅说理”,就拿你的第二个例子,我尝试写一下。
In my junior year in F ...

尽管过去好几年了,但是对于现在的我来说这一小段真的是醍醐灌顶,很有用的东西!!!真的非常感谢能够亲自提笔传授!
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杨SIR 发表于 2017-6-13 07:06:10 | 显示全部楼层
高级,没看懂
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