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[文书-求改] sop第一版 刚写完,求狠拍,IC engine 方向,感觉有点啰嗦

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wangryan 发表于 2014-8-21 18:32:26 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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Statement ofpurpose 2014.8.20    (first version)   
I was born in a family that both my parentsare mechanical engineers, maybe due to the influence of my parents. I am alwaysinterested in the theory behind everyday objects, the factors that play a rolein the outcome of mechanic. During my time in primary school and secondaryschool, I rank top in classes like math and physics, maybe at that time, I decideto become an engineer in the future.   
In 2011, I graduate from xxxx ForeignLanguage School and become a freshman in xxx University of Technology. In thefirst two academic years, I mainly take classes, such as higher mathematics,college physics, mechanical designing and so on. What impressed me most is thethird year in my college, I choose a class named the principle of internalcombustion engine and I fall in love with it. I always feel confused that howcan I apply what I have learnt to our practical life, and the engine is just theanswer. It is a machine that combines interdisciplinary knowledge all together,like flow mechanics, combustion, signal processing and so on, more importantly,It connect well with our daily life. Considering that a diesel engine withimproved efficiency and emission, not only will it cut down a number of burdenof world energy crisis, but also we can live in a healthier life. After the endof this class, I manage to get into the lab of my professor and try to learnsomething more about it. Lab is always funnier than what is appeared in textbook, I still remember that how master and doctoral students do the ETC testingof a certain type of diesel. And when an unexpected problem emerged, I willalways join the discussion meeting, to be honest, compared to higher degreestudents, my ability is so limited that I may not fully understand the heateddiscussion among professor and his fellow students, however, I will alwaysspare no effort to figure it out and learn something new and I believe thatwill do me good on my future career.
Meanwhile in that semester, I start aproject with other four fellow student, which passed the censorship of ourdepartment and also funded by our department. We design a three-way valve thatcan be activate by infrared signal and controlled by electric relays. We spendnearly the whole second summer vocation buying tools, wires, electric equipmentand we also get the permission to use electronic lab to continue our project, andbesides I have to do presentation to inform our team’s progress. What I learnfrom this experience is that team cooperation sometimes outweighs anythingelse, we all need to make compromise to maximum the benefit of the whole team.
To some degree, I am proud of my self-learning ability.In the second semester of my junior, a friend from computer and sciencedepartment want to cooperate with me on image procession, which is really achallenge for me. Because before that I only have a selective course namedsignal processing, from then on I try to improve my knowledge about imageprocessing all by myself. During this period, I am mainly responsible for basicprogramming and writing paper, at last we publish it on the Applied Mechanicsand Materials Vol. 540 (2014). Our paper starts from the practical examples,states a new counting method that can be employed in more complicatedenvironment and rule out influence of some factors such as the dying ofcytoplasm, unevenness of the whole image, and thus we can count the cells withgreat precision. Additionally, the method proposed has certain room todevelops, for more complex cells, we can adjust it to some degree to fit therequirement.
Besides research experience, I constantly keep a mindof excellence and maintain the GPA of 3.65/5.0, which ranks top in my major. Asfor extracurricular activities, I have been the class monitor for two years, responsiblefor coordinate every fellow students and arrange classroom for teacher when ashift is made; in the second academic year, I lead a team in one of the famousresorts in our city, and we made poll on people’s view on the administration ofthe spot, after processing the data we collect, we write a report, which ispublished in our school newspaper.
As for internship experience, in the second summervocation, I grab a chance to intern in factory for two weeks. I spend most ofmy time observe engineers measure the machine part and deal with any problememerged. From that experience, I have a solid understanding of how a rawmaterial is made into the objects that is declared in the design drawings andhow to communicate and cooperate well to finish the work in time. And in mysenior academic year, our department send us to have an internship in…………………..(beginin the senior year, not happen yet)  
My current interests lays in the function of engineand its emission as well. I do think alternative fuel plays a vital part toslow down the pace of energy crisis and improve our environment. And therenowned labs (Advanced Engine Research Laboratoryand E3 Research Laboratory) in TAMU are the places where I canreally improve myself. Internal combustion engine is a so complex object thatit requires us excel in many academic aspects, flow mechanics, signal processing,computer programming, thermodynamic and etc. I think I have the ability,potential and more importantly, the will to achieve my goal.  
Others judge me by what I’ve done, but I hope youjudge me by what I am capable doing. I have overcome challenges over and overagain when others don’t think I can. I am positive that the graduate trainingfrom your program can equip me with great insights and strong expertise, andTAMU will definitely be the place where I can realize my dream.

wanghaoran1992 发表于 2014-8-21 18:59:31 | 显示全部楼层
语言上貌似就不过关。。不naitive不说,好像还有一些语法错误
内容上整体读下来感觉有点平铺直叙,感受不到passion或者抓人眼球的地方。
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7734sss 发表于 2014-8-21 19:40:44 | 显示全部楼层
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2014-8-21 21:35:14 | 显示全部楼层
7734sss 发表于 2014-8-21 19:40
貌似和 IC 方向。。?

本科主要是diesel方面的学习啊,研究生‘打算申请IC engine 方面,2015fall  可能是有关IC engine方面的research少了吗
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2014-8-21 21:37:27 | 显示全部楼层
wanghaoran1992 发表于 2014-8-21 18:59
语言上貌似就不过关。。不naitive不说,好像还有一些语法错误. from: 1point3acres.com/bbs
内容上整体读下来感觉有点平铺直叙,感受不 ...

的确,我写完后也感觉很别扭,当然了这只是很粗糙的draft了,我再努力。。。。改改。我想问一下你所说的passion是指哪方面的,是个人的career dream之类的,还是research。。
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zeyuzhou 发表于 2014-8-22 05:47:38 | 显示全部楼层
楼主语法问题很多。地道不地道的问题很难一下改好,不过语法问题应该可以短时间内解决。

大概看后觉得语法的突出问题有两个。

1. 一句话表达一个意思,一个意思表达完了要用句号。比如:
原句:Lab is always funnier than what is appeared in textbook, I still remember that how master and doctoral students do the ETC testing of a certain type of diesel.
.鐣欏璁哄潧-涓浜-涓夊垎鍦【textbook 后面要用句号。因为前面一句话的意思已经表达完了,而前后两个句子没有关联词链接,是两个意思。因此宜用句号隔开。】
原句:And when an unexpected problem emerged, I will always join the discussion meeting, to be honest, compared to higher degrees tudents, my ability is so limited that I may not fully understand the heated discussion among professor and his fellow students, however, I will always spare no effort to figure it out and learn something new and I believe thatwill do me good on my future career.
【这个句子表达了这么多意思,竟然一个只有一个句号。discussion meeting 后面应改成句号。his fellow students 后面应改成句号。】. 1point3acres.com/bbs

2. 很多过去发生的事情,要记得动词用过去式。楼主有时候用了,大多数时候没用。这个也不难改。

楼主多找人改改。PS这个东西就是越改越好的。祝申请顺利!
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Keyrrae 发表于 2014-8-22 13:36:10 | 显示全部楼层
wangryan 发表于 2014-8-21 21:35
本科主要是diesel方面的学习啊,研究生‘打算申请IC engine 方面,2015fall  可能是有关IC engine方面的r ...

IC 在很多地方是指Integrated Circuits
Internal combustion缩写为IC外行人都不知道
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brian1118 发表于 2014-8-22 13:52:32 | 显示全部楼层
說實話,這個sop太多缺點可以挑了,樓主還是花錢找個編輯改改
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frozenben 发表于 2014-8-22 14:42:21 | 显示全部楼层
语法上的错误仔细检查下就好了。
. visit 1point3acres.com for more.关键是我感觉读起来别扭啊,文章表达不清楚。是不是句子太长了,试试多断句,用句号。
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2014-8-23 10:13:01 | 显示全部楼层
zeyuzhou 发表于 2014-8-22 05:47
楼主语法问题很多。地道不地道的问题很难一下改好,不过语法问题应该可以短时间内解决。. 1point3acres.com/bbs

大概看后觉得语 ...

太感谢了!!
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2014-8-23 10:15:23 | 显示全部楼层
frozenben 发表于 2014-8-22 14:42. Waral 鍗氬鏈夋洿澶氭枃绔,
语法上的错误仔细检查下就好了。
关键是我感觉读起来别扭啊,文章表达不清楚。是不是句子太长了,试试多断 ...

恩恩,是有这样的毛病,也许G T作文没有预期的分数和这有关系。。。
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2014-8-23 10:16:47 | 显示全部楼层
brian1118 发表于 2014-8-22 13:52. 1point 3acres 璁哄潧
說實話,這個sop太多缺點可以挑了,樓主還是花錢找個編輯改改
. 1point 3acres 璁哄潧
。。。我自己先把语法问题改改吧。。
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牛奶般淡蓝 发表于 2014-8-23 10:40:36 | 显示全部楼层
说到自学能力和与同学一起做的项目的时候 也许应该更加强调自己在其中做的事情  用什么语言改进了什么算法之类的
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欲风念 发表于 2014-8-23 10:40:50 | 显示全部楼层
I was born in a family that both my parentsare mechanical engineers, maybe due to the influence of my parents. I am alwaysinterested in the theory behind everyday objects, the factors that play a rolein the outcome of mechanic. . visit 1point3acres.com for more.
  

i was born in a family WHERE my parents are both mechanical engineers ,maybe due to the influence of my parents, i HAVE ALWAYS BEEN interested ....我就看了第一句 觉得就有点小问题 多找几个老师 外教改改吧...我也是申请ME呢 加油哈~
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2014-8-23 13:23:28 | 显示全部楼层
欲风念 发表于 2014-8-23 10:40
I was born in a family that both my parentsare mechanical engineers, maybe due to the influence of m ...

现在基本上在重写。。。。。加油哈
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