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[文书-求改] 重新写了一篇sop,不知道还要怎么改啊,求大神指导。。。狠拍

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wangryan 发表于 2014-8-24 21:12:46 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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Statement of purpose
When I was about fourteen, my mother bought me a fancy bicycle. And from that day on, every night after finishing my homework, I always fetched a little bench sitting next to my bicycle. And used all the tools I can find at home, such as wrenches, hammers and lubricant, to do some “experiments”. I adjusted the gap between wheel and friction disk, added lubricant on the gear system and improved the comfort of gear shifting. If the outcome failed to satisfy me on the next day, the “experiments” had to be repeated. In retrospect, it is obvious that my strong interest in doing work related to mechanic was developed from that period and my persistence was trained by that educational “experiments” as well.  
In 2011, I graduated from XXX Foreign Language School and was admitted to the department of Power and Energy Engineering in XXX University of Technology, which ranks top among engineering programs in China. In the first academic year, due to much focus on student activities and various contests, I didn’t pay enough attention to academic study, I ranked only 13 in my class. Motivated by the shame and my eager to excellence, I poured huge endeavor into my academic study in the second academic year, and reaped what I sowed. I ranked among the top 10% in my department.  -google 1point3acres
During the undergraduate study in my campus, I constantly strived to improve myself, and kept a good GPA of 3.65 (5.0). I have taken the class named Principle of Internal Combustion Engine, in which I got the basic understanding of engines with steps and dominant emphasis; from the class Signal Analyzing and Processing, I learnt to show a working condition graphically and from the class the Emission and Control of Internal Combustion Engine, I come to realize the vitality and difficulty of low emission of engine. Besides taking classes in classroom, I have devoted to myriad experiments and course designs, I have designed a gear box and heat transfer independently, I tested the load and velocity characteristic of a two cylinder diesel. And in a semi-noise reduction lab, I managed to analyze the working condition of a diesel with numerous data detected by various sensors. Taking such specialized engineering course have definitely provided me with a solid foundation for working at the interface between theory and reality. Besides taking course required by our training plan, I also attempted to extend my scope by undertaking some extra-curriculum projects. By doing so, I wanted to establish a more comprehensive perception of how the theoretical knowledge could be applied to practical uses.
While class learning equipped me with basic theoretical knowledge, project experience led me on the road to academic maturity. In the second academic year, I started a project with four other fellows under the guide of professor Yang (one of my referees). We devised a three way valve triggered by human’s infrared signal detected by infrared sensor. And it is controlled by two time relays, used to maximize the efficiency of the system. We spent most of a summer vocation buying electric parts, inevitable tools and another 3 months assembling various parts together in the electric lab. Through wiring, welding, and testing all by ourselves, the whole system was functional as we expected. And it won a second prize in our campus science competition. From that experience, I understand the importance of team cooperation and persistence towards goal. Meanwhile at that time, I managed to apply for professor Lv’s lab (one of my referees) for further enlargement of my horizon. I have observed how master and doctoral students do their experiment on diesel engine (such as ETC testing and so on), and how they attended to problem that emerged unexpected. No matter how heavy my academic work at that time, whenever they had a discussion meeting, I would always join their discussion in purpose of new knowledge.
One of my challenges come in the third year. I cooperated with friends from the department of Computer and Science on a project on image procession funded by The National Natural Science Fund. It was really a challenge for me. I accepted it and thus get a deeper understanding of image and signal procession. Based on the technology of image processing, we proposed a new method to count cells on the image of microscopic cells with high level of recognition. To precisely count the number, our method included edge detecting and marking, efficient usage of three channel information of enhanced nucleus, binaryzation of dynamic threshold in separated areas and finally denoising. The experiment showed that our method was precise and quickly-reacted, moreover it could effectively rule out the impact of impurities. And with little adjustment, it could be applied to other fields, not only decrease the labor involved, but the budget as well. What’s more, we managed to publish our paper in Applied Mechanics and Materials, which meant my dream was thriving towards sunshine.
Looking back, I’ve already dealt with a range of relevant issues such as mechanical vibration, image and signal procession, and have got familiar with a number of experiment techniques towards internal combustion engine. These research experiences have opened a door towards the scientific world of engineering for me. Looking forward, I will definitely devote myself to this area and hope to make a contribution to a variety of essential issues..1point3acres缃
My current interests lies in mechanical engineering but not limited to. I am now engaged in my internship (next semester the internship begin). By my scrutiny of your departmental website, I am glad to know that you place great pride in your interdisciplinary work ethic and provide a variety of resources, especially advanced engine lab and E3 lab, which not only matches my academic background, but also aligns well with my interest and passion. In addition, it has a promising future and I really expect to contribute to this area. Therefore, I’m eager to be a part of your program, since the interdisciplinary training and strong academic atmosphere will certainly help me become a successful researcher to make discoveries in this field.
Others judge me by what I’ve done, but I hope you judge me by what I am capable doing. I have overcome challenges over and over again when others don’t think I can. I am positive that the graduate training from your program can equip me with great insights and strong expertise, and TAMU will definitely be the place where I can realize my dream.
zl9394 发表于 2014-10-6 21:24:09 | 显示全部楼层
鄙人认为修改文书应该言辞犀利,才能起到一定作用。所以如果有所冒犯,在这里先道个歉~
另外以下均为个人看法,我也是15fall的,也刚刚开始学文书,所以观点不一定主流=。=. 希望楼主看着采纳。
以下有一些短语我(因为见识短浅=。=)没有见过,所以暂时指出,如果lz很确定,那就无视我吧~

Statement of purpose
When I was about fourteen, my mother bought me a fancy bicycle. And from that day on, every night after finishing my homework, I always fetched a little bench sitting next to my bicycle and used all the tools I can find at home, such as wrenches, hammers and lubricant, to do some “experiments”. I adjusted the gap between wheel and friction disk, added lubricant on the gear system and improved the comfort of gear shifting.(可以把上面such as后面的东西都具体写到前面一句去,然后把such as删掉) If the outcome failed to satisfy me on the next day, I had to repeat the “experiments”(感觉这句用被动有点奇怪). In retrospect, it is obvious that my strong interest in mechanism-related work has developed from that period and my persistence was trained by that educational “experiments” as well.  . 涓浜-涓夊垎-鍦帮紝鐙鍙戝竷
In 2011, I graduated from XXX Foreign Language School and was admitted to the department of Power and Energy Engineering in XXX University of Technology, which ranks top among engineering programs in China. In the first academic year, due to dedicated focus on student activities and various contests, I didn’t pay enough attention to academic study, leaving me ranking only 13 in my class. Motivated by the shame and eager to excellence, I poured huge endeavor(这个没见人用过?) into my academic study in the second academic year, and finally reaped what I sowed——I ranked among the top 10% in my department(这里对比太弱,前面说班上13,这里说系里前10%,可是系里一共多少人?建议都改成系排名。还有一个,第三年呢?如果第三).  
During the undergraduate study in my campus, I constantly strived to improve myself, and kept a good GPA of 3.65 (5.0)(这个。。个人感觉不太很good,是不是打错了?). I have taken the class named Principle of Internal Combustion Engine, in which I got the basic understanding of engines with steps and dominant emphasis; from the class Signal Analyzing and Processing, I learnt to show a working condition graphically and from the class the Emission and Control of Internal Combustion Engine, I come to realize the vitality and difficulty of low emission of engine(这些什么课学了可以删掉,从这两句话里面看不出来你有什么品质,倒像是课程介绍). Besides taking classes in classroom, I have devoted to myriad experiments and course designs, I have designed a gear box and heat transfer independently, I tested the load and velocity characteristic of a two cylinder diesel. And in a semi-noise reduction lab, I managed to analyze the working condition of a diesel with numerous data detected by various sensors. Taking such specialized engineering course have definitely provided me with a solid foundation for working at the interface between theory and reality. Besides taking course required by our training plan, I also attempted to extend my scope by undertaking some extra-curriculum projects. By doing so, I wanted to establish a more comprehensive perception of how the theoretical knowledge could be applied to practical uses.(这段写得很不好,太泛了,这些东西committee都可以从cv上面看到的。写文书的时候心里要想着:别人能不能从我写的内容中看出我有什么特点?,如果坚持写这些东西,请找出一个重点详写,或者比如说什么:即使我的课程安排如何繁忙,我还是参加了领导了xxx课外活动,这样才能体现出一点东西,而不是“我做了A,做了B,做了C。此外还做了D,做了E”)
While class learning equipped me with basic theoretical knowledge(让步很诡异...为什么要让步呢?), project experiences led me on the road to academic maturity. In the second academic year, I started a project with four other fellows under the guide of professor Yang (one of my referees). We devised a three-way valve triggered by human’s infrared signal (人类红外信号?,,对不起我是CS的。。) which are detected by infrared sensor(两个by连着感觉有点不顺口). It is controlled by two time relays and used to maximize the efficiency of the system. We spent most of the summer vocation buying electric parts(为什么买东西会买一个暑假?,如果东西很难买,请说出有多么困难,要不然显得拖延症效率低。其实我觉得买东西买了多久就不用说了,没用), inevitable tools and another 3 months assembling various parts together in the electric lab(一个道理,像流水账一样,如果一定要描述请指出其中的艰苦,困难等等). Through wiring, welding, and testing all by ourselves(这里最好拓展一下,遇到什么问题?how tricky? 如何解决?), the whole system was functional as we expected and it won a second prize in the science competition. From that experience, I understand the importance of team cooperation and persistence towards goal(这句话是废话,删掉). Meanwhile at that time, I managed to apply for professor Lv’s lab (one of my referees) for further enlargement of my horizon. I have observed how master and doctoral students do their experiment on diesel engine (such as ETC testing and so on), and how they attended to problem that emerged unexpected(流水账). No matter how heavy my academic work at that time, whenever they had a discussion meeting, I would always join their discussion in purpose of new knowledge.
One of my challenges came in the third year. I cooperated with friends in department of Computer and Science on a image procession project funded by The National Natural Science Fund. It was really a challenge for me(删了,前面已经说过了). I accepted i and thus get a deeper understanding of image and signal procession(删了,太浅薄). Based on the technology of image processing, we proposed a new method to count cells on the image of microscopic cells with high level of recognition(这个 high level of recognitio觉怪怪的,,但是我也不知道怎么改,,可以看看其他同学的建议). To precisely count the number, our method included edge detecting and marking, efficient usage of three channel information of enhanced nucleus, binaryzation of dynamic threshold in separated areas and finally denoising(因为不懂ME,所以不知道这个具体impact如何,不过建议最好能再深入描述,描述出独到之处). The experiment results showed that our method was precise and quickly-reacted, moreover it could effectively rule out the impact of impurities. And with little adjustment, it could be applied to other fields, not only decrease the labor involved, but the budget as well. What’s more, we managed to publish our paper in Applied Mechanics and Materials, which mean my dream was thriving towards sunshine(没见过).
Looking back, I’ve already dealt with a wide range of relevant issues such as mechanical vibration, image and signal procession, and have got familiar with a number of experiment techniques towards internal combustion engine. These research experiences have opened a door towards the scientific world of engineering for me. Looking forward, I will definitely devote myself to this area and hope to make a contribution to a variety of essential issues.(这段可以删掉,没有任何有用信息)
My current interest lies in but not limited to mechanical engineering. I am now engaged in my internship (next semester the internship begin)(next semester ? now?). By my scrutiny of your departmental website, I am glad(一个glad程度太弱了,可以强一点) to know that you place great pride in your interdisciplinary work ethic(交叉学科职业道德) and provide a variety of resources, especially advanced engine lab and E3 lab, which not only matches my academic background, but also aligns well with my interest and passion. In addition, it(it是什么?) has a promising future and I really expect to contribute to this area. Therefore, I’m eager to be a part of your program, since the interdisciplinary training and strong academic atmosphere will certainly help me become a successful researcher to make discoveries in this field.. 鐣欏鐢宠璁哄潧-涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴
Others judge me by what I’ve done, but I hope you judge me by what I am capable doing. I have overcome challenges over and over again when others don’t think I can. I am positive that the graduate training from your program can equip me with much greater insights and stronger expertise, and TAMU will definitely be the place where I can realize my dream.
.鏈枃鍘熷垱鑷1point3acres璁哄潧
总评:差评。
1,全文就是在罗列laundry list, 基本没有有用信息可以看到楼主的品质(比如说,lz可以想想,这篇sop是不是也挺适合你们专业某个academic performance中下游成绩的同学?)。
. 鐗涗汉浜戦泦,涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴2,字数太多,除了删掉无用信息外,请lz再花时间精心选1~2个experience来描述,而且是要particularize。
3,to show (off) yourself, not to tell。

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xingyun001 发表于 2014-9-24 10:36:22 | 显示全部楼层
提示: 作者被禁止或删除 内容自动屏蔽
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dreamy 发表于 2014-10-4 15:35:23 | 显示全部楼层
妈妈的礼物的hook要不要换个。。。
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xsh6528 发表于 2015-10-31 20:11:49 | 显示全部楼层
我觉得你小时候的故事根本不需要
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2015-11-1 00:08:45 | 显示全部楼层
xsh6528 发表于 2015-10-31 20:11
我觉得你小时候的故事根本不需要

我是2015fall的,现在已经开学两个多月了。。。还是谢谢了
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cyd 发表于 2015-11-2 15:08:46 | 显示全部楼层
楼主现在在哪里呢? 我也是ME的正在改SOP,还是不大清楚关于对每个学校量身定做的那段的写法。 是可以描述特定的教授,讲他的研究吗?
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2015-11-3 04:23:45 | 显示全部楼层
cyd 发表于 2015-11-2 15:08
楼主现在在哪里呢? 我也是ME的正在改SOP,还是不大清楚关于对每个学校量身定做的那段的写法。 是可以描述 ...

osu的ME,开学两个多月了
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cyd 发表于 2015-11-6 12:12:54 | 显示全部楼层
这么牛啊,我也是ME的,想申OSU的robotics,能加您私聊吗?
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2015-11-7 16:33:11 | 显示全部楼层
cyd 发表于 2015-11-6 12:12
这么牛啊,我也是ME的,想申OSU的robotics,能加您私聊吗?

我来osu ME两三个月了,,没看见有robotic这个track啊。。。。https://mae.osu.edu/department-research-matrix
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cyd 发表于 2015-11-7 20:57:49 | 显示全部楼层
sorry,是我弄错了,我以为osu是oregon state u的缩写,不过您后来这篇sop都经过怎样的改动呢?实在是资源太少哈
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2015-11-8 02:09:28 | 显示全部楼层
cyd 发表于 2015-11-7 20:57
sorry,是我弄错了,我以为osu是oregon state u的缩写,不过您后来这篇sop都经过怎样的改动呢?实在是资源太 ...

基本内容没变,就是语句方面的改动。。。
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TOFEL 发表于 2015-11-8 16:49:26 | 显示全部楼层
, 有大神能帮忙看看PS吗? 语言自己都不忍心看啊
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 楼主| wangryan 发表于 2015-11-9 10:34:56 | 显示全部楼层
TOFEL 发表于 2015-11-8 16:49
, 有大神能帮忙看看PS吗? 语言自己都不忍心看啊

你PS没PO上来啊??
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TOFEL 发表于 2015-11-12 15:20:25 | 显示全部楼层
wangryan 发表于 2015-11-9 10:34. from: 1point3acres.com/bbs
你PS没PO上来啊??

没po呢,我准备找新东方批改网改改,不知道靠不靠谱
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