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[G作文-求改] 求对GRE issue有些见解的大牛指点一二【后天考G 在线等T T】

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kim0113 发表于 2014-9-11 23:36:53 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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实在是感谢各位大神抽出空指点一二,小弟在下面附了一篇作文,我根据XDF老师上课的时候的issue的要点进行比对,要点有
1.要正反面都要讨论到,即又要同意一部分,又要反对一部分
2.论证充分到位,第2段用了正反论证,第3段用了举例论证,第4段用了逻辑上的三段论,跟老师所用的论证方法相近,并且都已经论证到了明显的好处了
3.要有平行的分类,我的第3段里有用到平行的分类,但是不清楚是不是符合老师所谓的碰到学科就分文理艺术什么的,碰到社会就分经济政治什么的
反正综上所述 我觉得我这篇文章应该写的还是挺符合issue的标准的,但是实际上我这是一篇toefl的作文。。。
所以想请教各位大神 这样一篇托福的作文可以用来做issue的作文吗?如果不行的话是因为什么呢?如果改的话要怎么改啊?
希望大家能指点一二,小弟感激不尽 !!
A tremendousnumber of people hold the standpoint that the dishes made in the past  were definitely healthier than thecounterpart made nowadays, claim that the air pollution , termination of thecultivatable area, and the deliberately worsening quality of the pork and beefall destroy the reputation of the meals made today . Even though I cannot denythis opinion ,in my view ,every excellent chef could make a healthier and even moredelicious dinner than they did in the past  ,especially considering enlargementof the variety of materials and development of the science and law in theeating field .  .
Initially ,oneissue encourages me to hold this idea is that the meal materials ,theprerequisite for healthy meals ,have been cultivated even in the oppositeweather. When equipped with modern facilities and plenty of fresh andvarious  vegetables which are generated,chefs could organize the organize the composition of the vegetation and meat,therefore  promoting the flavor of themeals and constructing a healthy frame .On the contrary ,lack of the materialswould contribute to the dull and boring dishes with few kind of the food. Andthe chefs ,even with the perfect technology ,could not cook a healthy meal,since the combinations of the food and taste are dramatically strict.  
Lending morecredibility to my point of view is that the science about food nowadays havebeen establish more completely which improved the health and freshness of thefood .For example a immeasurable number of science studies stimulated theprocess of food safety test ,by preventing the unhealthy food from entering themarket and protecting the interest of the customers. Similarly scientists strengthenthe projects about the connection between health and different combinations ofthe meal ,by studying the volunteers’ conditions before  and after they eat some specific dishes andcomparing with others who eats different food ,and finally the scientist figureout how to balance the composition of the meal to benefit the physical health.Perhaps most importantly ,scientists and the cooks discover  various seasonings which containing some indispensablenutrition of body health ,therefore decreasing the number of the specialillness and improving the health condition of people especially children andthe old .  

Nevertheless ,therequirement for freshness and guarantee of health actually seems difficult nowadaysbecause of the degrading termination. Few would dispute that the fastereconomics grows ,the worse the environment deteriorates ,for the reasons thatmanufacture industries mobilize their productivity by cutting the cost of theprotection of the environment. Moreover universally acknowledged is that thebasic value and ethnic systems have been obviously destroyed .Hence a countlessnumber of fake merchandise and unhealthy food have done irreparable harm to thehealth of people. Accordingly , chefs could not be able to make healthy disheswithout acquiring the proper food.

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