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[文书-求改] 申请金融的PS第一版,求修改

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Nicolelalala 发表于 2014-9-25 18:36:49 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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As a senior student majoring in finance in Shanghai University, one of the project 211 universities in China, I will graduate in 2015 with a bachelor degree of economics. Being a hard core fan of finance, I do not believe that graduation will be the end of my journey with finance. Armed with systematic knowledge and excellent background of mathematics, I believe I can achieve a higher level of academic life. That is the reason why I am now applying for advanced studies in your esteemed university, hoping that I can pursue a master degree of Finance at the ****University.
Since my first contact with finance in high school, I was deeply attracted by the history of finance and decided to choose finance as my major. I was admitted to Shanghai University through highly competitive entrance examination. Looking backward on the past years in university, I feel a sense of satisfaction. My passion for finance did not disappear, instead, it was enhanced and developed by delving deeper into financial field. I have devoted a significant time and energy to financial academic training to gain a solid foundation in finance and quantitative methods in mathematics and statistics. I am fully convinced that finance researchers need to take advantages of quantity analysis and apply it to get more compelling conclusions. In my undergraduate study, I achieved an average score of 87%. I am especially good at mathematics and statistics with a score of 96% and 93% respectively. The outstanding background give me confidence to further my financial path. In addition to learning many courses which are financially related and maintaining a high GPA throughout my college career, I also tried to avoid studying finance in a narrow view. In order to figure out the link-ups between law and finance, I took a law minor to push out the horizon of my knowledge. Such background will benefit me a lot in my future study and research.
I always have a desire to explore this fascinating and splendid field. Meanwhile, I also try to turn the curiousness into action. I used to spent time thinking why share holders did not sell their shares when they were aware that financial crisis was coming up. Not since I bought my first stock did I understand it. It is not about intelligence quotient, it is humanity. Greed which comes from fears and desires roots in our humanity.On the surface, We can summarize and analysis ups and downs from stock market. However, we can not figure out the reason without seeing through the appearance and digging out the deep-seated motivation. In my opinion, finance is not only a discipline which “closely related to accounting that deals with the allocation of assets and liabilities over time conditions of certainty and uncertainty”(extracted from WIKIPEDIA), but also a collection of the whole weaknesses of humanity which is so mysterious and charming that I am willing to dedicate my life to a career in finance.
Moreover, I believe that being an armchair general is absolutely unable to guarantee future triumphs. The application of professional knowledge from books is of equal importance with the acquisition of it. In order to close the gap between academic knowledge and practical operation, I positively took intern jobs in the financial institution such as bank and broker to maintain close tie with financial circle. These experiences gave me a further insight to the financial world and encouraged me to adapt myself to the competitive environment. When I was working in Bank of Communications, I was selected by my teacher Zhu Lifen to take part in the Market Research Project. Due to the overload missions, I frequently had to do intern work at day and analyzed data by building models for the project at night. During these days, I was so tired that I fall asleep as soon as touching the pillow. Fortunately, These mental and physical challenges did beat me. On the contrary, They taught me how to work under pressure and manage my time efficiently.
I am only tween one years old. I believe I still have much time and energy to catch my dream. And my education and experience have immensely contribute to my pursuit of a bachelor degree. Your esteemed university appeals to me. I love its excellent ability in academic research and interaction. I truly believe that I am prepared for the next step and the next step is at the bachelor level at the *** University.
luckystarufo 发表于 2014-11-13 14:38:11 | 显示全部楼层
这是写申请Master还是Ph.D.的  感觉motivation不是很足啊
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 楼主| Nicolelalala 发表于 2014-9-25 18:38:10 | 显示全部楼层
DIY真心好艰难
英语没达标还要卖血再考
求各位大神帮忙修改,感激不尽
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whdawn 发表于 2014-9-25 22:21:11 | 显示全部楼层
DIY确实太难,不了解金融申请,帮 LZ顶一下
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 楼主| Nicolelalala 发表于 2014-9-27 17:25:41 | 显示全部楼层
whdawn 发表于 2014-9-25 22:21
DIY确实太难,不了解金融申请,帮 LZ顶一下

泪流满面
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whdawn 发表于 2014-9-27 18:48:45 | 显示全部楼层

. 涓浜-涓夊垎-鍦帮紝鐙鍙戝竷没人回LZ也不要气馁
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rushiwowen92 发表于 2014-9-27 19:28:41 | 显示全部楼层
楼主加油啊~可能地里还是理工科为主,外加一小撮想转理工科的。。。



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 楼主| Nicolelalala 发表于 2014-9-27 19:48:00 | 显示全部楼层
rushiwowen92 发表于 2014-9-27 19:28
楼主加油啊~可能地里还是理工科为主,外加一小撮想转理工科的。。。

谢谢哦一起加油!
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 楼主| Nicolelalala 发表于 2014-9-27 19:48:19 | 显示全部楼层
.鐣欏璁哄潧-涓浜-涓夊垎鍦
继续等
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uniquegino 发表于 2014-11-12 16:50:22 | 显示全部楼层
實習經歷可以再多寫些?倒數第二段倒數第二句是不是應該把did改成didn't?
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muybienw 发表于 2014-11-12 22:19:54 | 显示全部楼层
从头到尾读了一遍,说一下个人见解:
1. 感觉目标或者说dream不明显啊,sop一般不是都有个问题是graduate study结束后你要干嘛,也就是purpose,这个要写的清楚明白一些吧
2. 对于对方学校写的也比较少,why your school和why your program这样的问题还是要回答一下的,比如课程设置、和业界的联系、某个教授的研究方向啥的
3. 同楼上,internship可以多写点,做了什么事情、职责是啥、有啥成功,商科比较看这个吧
3. 语言可以再精简,比如中间finance is ... (quoted from Wiki),我觉得可以直接去掉Wiki的内容,直接说你的想法就行
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