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[G作文-求改] 我的第一篇ISSUE文章,求改,ISSUE64。

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yanchao 发表于 2015-6-9 22:19:14 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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本帖最后由 yanchao 于 2015-6-9 22:21 编辑

64 The human mind will always be superior to machines because machines are only tools of human minds.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
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        At first sight we will stand by the speaker’s claim that human mind will always be superior to machines. But after deep consideration, we can find out some faults in the claim.
        In a social or ethical sense, the claim is tenable. The human shape the world as it is, and these machines are just one small part of what are designed by human mind and served for the human. These human-made machines help to make our daily life more convenient, and also equip us with enormous ability to construct our modern cities. Without brilliant brains, there would not be so many various kinds of effective machines, and we would not have such a convenient and amazing life as we do now. Just as the Three Laws of Robotics devised by the science fiction author Isaac Asimov states, a robot may not injure a human being and must obey the orders given it by human beings, even if the orders will lead the robot to being destroyed. In this sense human minds are definitely superior to the servile machines.
        However, the claim is absolutely not always true in all cases. In fact it is untenable in many situations. First, As effective and powerful tools, machines have a mass of abilities that are superior to those of human being. That is why human being needs these magical machines to fulfill diverse demanding tasks. For example, computer is one of the most intelligent inventions in the human history, and only with the help of computer can we solve those extreme complex mathematical problems, such as the famous problem Traveling Salesman Problem which needs such a big amount of computation that is far beyond ours ability. Second, machines can be purposely designed to obtain only good qualities so that machines would not behave evilly as human do. While there is no perfect human being and everyone have more or less flaws in humanity, such as selfish, greedy, and hate. These dark sides of humanity causes disharmonies in society.
        One the other hand, there are some significant abilities possessed uniquely by human mind. As the most intelligent group on the earth, human mind have so magical and extraordinary power that is far beyond our understanding, since we still have many unrevealed mysteries about human brain. For example, human brain have an innate ability to deal with the 3D objects in real world, while intelligent machines such as computer function badly in this region. Concretely, Human brain can recognize the specific object in different environment condition, such as lighting, perspective slant, and distant, while computer can only do in similar condition. What is more, human mind have the supreme power to think autonomous while machines can just function according to the orders. Active thinking is the most magical power with which human can do diverse design and marvelous jobs, such as artistic paints and classic music.
        Above all, we can never simply claim that human mind will always be superior to machines without considering the specific conditions.












byt2015 发表于 2015-6-9 23:55:25 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 byt2015 于 2015-6-9 23:58 编辑

求加分 :)

以下是改的内容:

At first sight we will stand by the speaker’s claim that human mind will always be superior to machines. But after deep consideration, we can find out some faults in the claim.

// 1) 去掉at first sight, 没有什么意义。
//2) 把we 改成 I.
//3) 这句话你是想表达不完全同意吗?如果如此的话,去找几个模板吧。你现在的表达有点ambiguous, 你能发现faults,并不代表你就同意或者否定原题的观点,所以这句claim不够铿锵。

        In a social or ethical sense 【英语中这叫doubling,口语中更多些,因为口语转瞬即逝,但写作中不鼓励,啰嗦,而且就这两个词而言不知道你到底是讲什么,social 跟ethical有交集,但是不同啊,你想讲啥?】, the claim is tenable. The human shape the world as it is 【这句语病,as it is 跟 human shape 无法同时存在,表意不清】, and these machines 【前面一句没有出现machine啊,这里指什么?】are just one small part of what are designed by 【the】human mind and served for the human. These human-made machines help to make our daily life more convenient, and also equip us with enormous ability to construct our modern cities. 【这句话挺好的,可以在拓展举例下如何帮助我们建造现代城市吗?】 Without brilliant brains 【前面一句的重心是brian吗?如果不是这句话跟前一句之间的coherence不太强啊。加点什么句子啥的从意思上形成衔接吧】, there would not be so many various kinds of effective machines, and we would not have such a convenient and amazing life as we do now. Just as the Three Laws of Robotics devised by the science fiction author Isaac Asimov states, a robot may not injure a human being and must obey the orders given it by human beings 【这句话跟前一句之间有什么关系?】, even if the orders will lead the robot to being destroyed. In this sense human minds are definitely superior to the servile machines.


        However, the claim is absolutely【absolutely 冗余词,删除】 not always true in all cases. In fact it is untenable in many situations.  First, 【As effective and powerful tools, machines have a mass of abilities that are superior to those of human being. That is why human being needs these magical machines to fulfill diverse demanding tasks】【两句合在一起吧】. For example, 【computer is one of the most intelligent inventions in the human history 删除,信息量少,主观性强】, and only with the help of computer can we solve those extreme complex mathematical problems, such as the famous problem Traveling Salesman Problem which needs such a big amount of computation that is far beyond ours ability 【这句话可以用三个分句形成对比。take the Traveling Salesman Problem as an example, (第一层)人类used to 如何如何解决 ; however (第二层), 这个方案有啥困难due to .... 。第三层:With the invention of computers, ... 】. Second, machines can be purposely designed to obtain only good qualities so that machines would not behave evilly as human do 【这个点挺新的,不错啊。最好能弄些具体的案例讲讲】. While there is no perfect human being and everyone have more or less flaws in humanity, such as selfish, greedy, and hate. These dark sides of humanity causes disharmonies in society.

        One the other hand 【Furthermore,递进关系,不是并列关系】, there are some significant abilities possessed uniquely by human mind. As the most intelligent group on the earth, human mind have so magical and extraordinary power that is far beyond our understanding, since we still have many unrevealed mysteries about human brain. For example, human brain have an innate ability to deal with the 3D objects in real world, while intelligent machines such as computer function badly in this region. Concretely 【换个词】, Human brain can recognize the specific object in different environment condition, such as lighting, perspective slant, and distant, while computer can only do in similar condition 【自相矛盾?既然人类跟电脑都能做,为什么说这个东西只能人类做?】. What is more, human mind have the supreme power to think autonomous while machines can just function according to the orders. Active thinking is the most magical power with which human can do diverse design and marvelous jobs, such as artistic paints 【painting】and classic music 【需要强调“古典"音乐吗?之前你不是说所有创造性的工作都不行吗?那估计所有music是不是都行啊】.

        Above all 【这个词好像不是总结性的吧,换一个】, we can never simply claim that human mind will always be superior to machines without considering the specific conditions 【啊?这个是你的论点??我以为你是要强调we can never claim machines are superior to human mind 呢】.


//Comment,感觉你语言没啥大问题,主要是论点的构建和句与句之间的逻辑衔接。建议你多列outline, 比对论点论据关系,然后多搜集点实例。
//ps, 偶也很菜,估计写出来还不如你,以上只是读者建议,仅供参考。求加分,谢啦。


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 楼主| yanchao 发表于 2015-6-10 10:20:16 | 显示全部楼层
byt2015 发表于 2015-6-9 23:55
求加分 :)

以下是改的内容:

非常感谢你给出这么详细意见!
不过我不知道你说的加分怎么加呀,一定给你加!!
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