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[文书-求改] 16fall,统计硕士,PS最终版求批改

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lloqiolloqio 发表于 2015-11-29 23:16:35 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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本人米不多,尽力给,谢谢!
Personal Statement
I love Statistics, not just for its abstract beauty and inner logic, but for its powerful application to solve real world problems, especially with the combination of computer science which spare us a lot of trouble. I gained a great sense of achievement in problem-solving using the knowledge and skills I own, so four years ago I enrolled in the Beijing Jiaotong University to study information and computing science, an interdisciplinary course that well integrate the mathematical tools and computer skills. However, I gradually realize that in this era when data is pervasive and significant in almost every sector of business, I lack of systematic study in the statistical theories which will guide my future research to identify the problems and then solve them. That’s why I am now applying to your esteemed program for I need a rigorous training in both statistics theories and other related skills in achieving my future goal as a data analyst.

Your program, with intensive training in all aspects of statistics theories and flexible course structures, is the right choice for me. It is without doubt that your program is highly selective about your prospective students, and I am confident to say that I am an outstanding candidate for your program, too. My academic excellency has been proved by the 3.9/4.0 GPA due to my efforts in the last three years. During my nearly four years of undergraduate education, I have taken important courses in Mathematics such as Advanced Algebra, Probability Theory, Statistical Computation, and computer languages such as C/C++, Matlab, and R, and I got As in all those subjects. Now that I am about to graduate from my college, I feel really grateful for the great academic environment it created.   

Few people could, or bother to appreciate the aesthetic appeal of statistics, while I am not one of them. And my talents in mathematics pave my way to statistics studies. Since middle school, I have participated in various mathematics competitions because the process of finding solutions really fascinated me. Later, when I entered university and got contact with more profound and SOPhisticated mathematical models, I didn’t miss any chance to participate in the school mathematics competition. What I love about modeling is that it addresses real world issues and the problem I solved in my very first competition is elevator transportation. Based on the floor priority and partition optimization, I built corresponding models and wrote programs with DEV C++ along with the use of analytic hierarchy for the sake of optimizing the designs. At last, my team won the second prize in our school and I have tasted the sweetness in practicing the magic of mathematics modeling.

After accumulating experience in the school’s contest, for the sake of further exercising my abilities, I participated for two consecutive years in the Mathematical Contest in Modeling (MCM), the international mathematics modeling competition that have some influence on universities. I managed to solve two problems in these two competitions. The first one was finding the best coach and the other one about hybrid Ebola virus and its medication delivery system. I not only learned to perform a quantitative analysis of various factors of the coaches, but also to integrate the use of AHP model and principal component analysis to realize fair evaluation criteria. While in the recent one, I further strengthened my ability to build models and optimized them based on proper theories like SIR-based approaches and differential equations. To my delight, I had a chance to practice the Newton Interpolation  which I had learned before to make up the missing data. Through these competition experiences, I also improved my skills in using MATLAB on the computer. I believe my rich experience in modeling could benefit a lot in my future quantitative research.

A good statistician should have the ability to not only see the fragmented data, but also own the ability to transform the data into a resolvable question as long as you select the right tools and quantitative approaches. Driven by my future goal in becoming a qualified analyst, I have done several projects involved in different aspects of life. In the National Undergraduate Innovation Program, I tried to predict the stock price using an optimized neural network. Specifically, I optimized the parameters and connection weight of the neural network by the Particle Swarm Optimization approach. In order to test the model, I performed simulating calculation using the data from the Shanghai Stock Market. Firstly, I was worried that our RBF neural network wouldn’t work, but the experiment results showed that the predicted time was greatly decreased and the accuracy remarkably improved. At present, I am doing another research on multiple gray predicting model for monitoring the dam safety. Having invested much time in consulting the literature reviews about the parameter estimation methods, I propose to adopt the Moore-Penrose Inverse of the matrix along with corresponding calculation examples to solve the singular matrix problem. And my job in the next month is to modify the boundary condition of the model and propose a new predicting formula.
I believe my rich modeling experience, excellent academic grades and my good command of computer languages give me the confidence that I am able to thrive in your esteemed program. The XX program in XX provided by your university is an optimal choice for me, providing me with an innovative curriculum and research seminars, from which I could obtain a broad understanding and in-depth knowledge of statistics research approaches, time series analysis for financial modeling. When I graduate from your school, I will pursue a position as a data analyst in a company. And I really hope you could consider my application favorably.
Thanks for your time.

重装玛丽莲 发表于 2015-11-30 07:13:37 | 显示全部楼层
感觉结构上还可以再调整再精炼一点。第一段是中心段,你申请的项目是什么,Why U, Why Me, Why now这些最基本的问题都可以用一句话或者两句话在开头段清晰的写出来。当然最后一段也可以继续照应第一段来写。中间段落安排你的论据,你可以着重写Why U,Why Me, Why now的某一个或者全部,但是每一段的第一句一定要是中心句。

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xixippz 发表于 2015-12-4 23:52:38 | 显示全部楼层
lloqiolloqio 发表于 2015-12-1 05:31
好的,那 I lack of systematic study in the statistical theories . That’s why I am now applying to ...

我觉得最好不要这么直接地写负面,你可以说,因为专业课程设置的原因我没有上过很多统计课,但是我课下怎么怎么锻炼了,我有什么什么能力,我会什么什么了,我现在的专业知识能怎么帮助我,这样的话可以给人一种积极的感觉.毕竟申请就是自我营销嘛.
一点个人意见,希望有帮助.. more info on 1point3acres.com
话说楼主准备申哪呢
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nwzqx0815 发表于 2015-11-30 03:10:42 | 显示全部楼层
General comment: Do not have negative words anywhere. Example: "I lack of systematic study in the statistical theories"

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 楼主| lloqiolloqio 发表于 2015-11-30 09:37:13 | 显示全部楼层
重装玛丽莲 发表于 2015-11-30 07:13.鏈枃鍘熷垱鑷1point3acres璁哄潧
感觉结构上还可以再调整再精炼一点。第一段是中心段,你申请的项目是什么,Why U, Why Me, Why now这些最基 ...

我为什么只能给一升米……QAQ
我原本打算最后一段写申请学校,难道第一段就要引入进来吗?不过那个中心句我觉得很对啊!做了这么多阅读题忘了第一句很重要
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 楼主| lloqiolloqio 发表于 2015-11-30 09:40:05 | 显示全部楼层
nwzqx0815 发表于 2015-11-30 03:10. 鐗涗汉浜戦泦,涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴
General comment: Do not have negative words anywhere. Example: "I lack of systematic study in the st ...

为什么要去这个学校,不就是自己欠缺的地方么,是需要换一种表达方法么?
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重装玛丽莲 发表于 2015-11-30 09:57:54 | 显示全部楼层
lloqiolloqio 发表于 2015-11-30 09:37
我为什么只能给一升米……QAQ. From 1point 3acres bbs
我原本打算最后一段写申请学校,难道第一段就要引入进来吗?不过那个中心 ...

有些同学在PS的题目中也直接了然的写明了申请的是什么项目,所以个人觉得在第一段集中最密集的申请信息也是有必要的,毕竟有些系下面有不同的统计项目,phd的,ms的,applied stat的,data science的,所以开头写清楚或许更好一些,就当成高考作文一样,老师或许未必能在最后一段能够喵到你要申请什么项目。第一段最好四五句话把PS的全部重点写出来,你就当成老师如果只看第一段就能大致判断申请人是否是他们想要找的就行了。

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 楼主| lloqiolloqio 发表于 2015-12-1 12:31:49 | 显示全部楼层
重装玛丽莲 发表于 2015-11-30 09:57
有些同学在PS的题目中也直接了然的写明了申请的是什么项目,所以个人觉得在第一段集中最密集的申请信息也 ...
. visit 1point3acres.com for more.
好的,那 I lack of systematic study in the statistical theories . That’s why I am now applying to your esteemed program,这句话算是对自己的负面评价吗?要删改吗,谢谢!
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 楼主| lloqiolloqio 发表于 2015-12-6 21:10:38 | 显示全部楼层
xixippz 发表于 2015-12-4 23:52
我觉得最好不要这么直接地写负面,你可以说,因为专业课程设置的原因我没有上过很多统计课,但是我课下怎么 ...

准备申美加的统计和DS,最近正在缩学校名单~
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