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[文书-求改] CS Master PS求啪啪啪!拍砖就送米!!

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jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-8 14:04:14 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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我是按照CMU SCS的要求写的。-google 1point3acres
文章结构:1.引子 2.一段科研经历 3.第二段科研经历 4. 一段相关的课外活动经历 5.Future plans
另求问:
1. 我写的全是科研经历,但最后写毕业后想工作,这样会有影响吗?
2. Future plan需要写很详细吗?我感觉我写的太略了
求各位多多拍砖
-google 1point3acres
鏉ユ簮涓浜.涓夊垎鍦拌鍧.
补充内容 (2015-12-8 14:04):
好吧,原来下载要费米的。。。正文在一楼
. more info on 1point3acres.com
补充内容 (2015-12-8 14:13):
3.以及我把方向写的这么详细会有什么不好的影响吗

SOP.pdf

36 KB, 下载次数: 52, 下载积分: 大米 -1 升

609064231 发表于 2015-12-8 14:49:40 | 显示全部楼层
字体改下,这个字体太不正规了
各种增删改,最好不要这种第二页只有一段,看着太不舒服了。。
内容问题你自己应该也意识到吧 我看你定位贴申请的不少是professional的项目 应该稍微侧重一下

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 楼主| jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-8 14:04:36 | 显示全部楼层
Suppose that all your online accounts have been hacked, how could you expect to have a secure life in the modern society? Under this assumption, your ID number, your mobile phone number and the deposit amount in your bank account will not be secret any more. Thus, no privacy is guaranteed. Exaggerated though it seems to be, the importance of security is manifest. And the more I am exposed to this topic, the more I realize the significance. And this is the reason why I tend to study the field with regard to networking and computer security.

As smart phones and 3G network are becoming more and more prevalent in daily life, the topic for my Xiyuan Research Program in Fudan University was targeted at on security concerning a potential attack in a certain 3G cellular network called UMTS (Universal Mobile Telecommunications System). As the specification of UMTS revealed, the signaling resources could be consumed enormously with frequent PDP (Packet Data Protocol) context activation and deactivation, which could be took advantage of to harm the UMTS network. My primary contribution was to improve the blocking algorithm to punish malicious users. When the old blocking algorithm was deployed, there exists the problem of low cost of potential attackers to jeopardize the system and major effect of legitimate users when misjudged. In consideration of this situation, I saw the necessity to adjust the intensity of the punishing strategy. Instead of blocking possible attackers for a fixed amount of time, the new strategy blocks them for a shorter amount of time when they are distinguished as malicious for the first time. With the increase of frequency of being regarded as attackers, the blocking time ascends exponentially. Based upon experimental data, the new algorithm worked out well. This experience was an eye-opener for me in enhancing my understanding of researches as this was my first time to get involved in a research. After the final report of the research program finished, I came to realize that maliciousness could be everywhere and could not imagine what would happen to cellular network once the vulnerability was made used of realistically. Still, it gave me the vision of how research work was and cultivated my interest in security research.,
-google 1point3acres
Besides mobile network security, security of computer network has constantly been one of my major concerns. With the purpose to know how attacked nodes could affect the whole network, our team simulated several correlated networks. In the research, I was in charge of designing and implementing codes to simulate the attacks and analyze the consequences utilizing networkX library in Python. There were 6 networks on which totally 18 different types of attack were performed. While unfamiliar with the Python language, I managed to learn how to use it through massive online resources and implement the code within one month. Although more theoretical, as the network was abstracted into a mathematical model in this research, it gave me a deeper understanding of the overall structure of network and how single node could affect the whole network after it had been under attack, which broadened my view about the extent that security research would access.

Stemming from curiosity, I took part in one Capture The Flag (CTF) security contest named X Capture The Flag (XCTF) with teammates from our department. Being fresh to this field, we taught ourselves each week with different topics with the support of our supervisors. At the XCTF contest in Hangzhou, I managed to solve one puzzle about .NET program decompilation and found another flag in the comments of an HTML file. Though I didn’t participate in the following contests, which was a great shame, some thoughts have always haunted my mind. I was more than surprised that security work could be in such a competitive, interesting way and I really enjoyed the passion during the contest. Besides, the spirit of collaboration also considerably impressed me because nothing could have been achieved without our mutual assistance before and after the contest.

As a junior college student, I am always thinking about my future plans and my former experience told me that I should pursue further study into graduate school as I want to learn more about computer security and networking. Considering the extraordinary academic quality of your department, I am certain that it will be an excellent option for me to continue my study there. Meanwhile, I think I am a qualified applicant worth considering for you master 's program taking into account my abundant experience in computer science. After my graduation from graduate school, I would like to work for world-changing companies like Google, Facebook to utilize my competence to the fullest.
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ycai 发表于 2015-12-8 14:16:17 | 显示全部楼层
字体改下(Times New Roman)?然后关于文法通顺找个英语水平好的同学或者老师改改?这个也是我写sop时候的最大问题,自己也看得出句子不太通,但是究竟什么是通的也说不上来,判断不准。

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 楼主| jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-8 14:20:32 | 显示全部楼层
ycai 发表于 2015-12-8 14:16
字体改下(Times New Roman)?然后关于文法通顺找个英语水平好的同学或者老师改改?这个也是我 写sop时候 ...

恩恩,还有什么其他的建议吗?
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ycai 发表于 2015-12-8 14:23:46 | 显示全部楼层
jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-8 14:20. more info on 1point3acres.com
恩恩,还有什么其他的建议吗?

整体挺不错啊,背景非常雄厚,就是语言通顺问题吧,不过这个我们中国人都这样也问题不大我觉得
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ycai 发表于 2015-12-8 14:26:58 | 显示全部楼层
看了定位贴,原来是贵旦的,我觉得保底可以砍掉几个吧,nyu tandon应该可以保住了?另外,写百分制成绩会看起来舒服一点吗?
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 楼主| jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-8 14:50:08 | 显示全部楼层
ycai 发表于 2015-12-8 14:26.鐣欏璁哄潧-涓浜-涓夊垎鍦
看了定位贴,原来是贵旦的,我觉得保底可以砍掉几个吧,nyu tandon应该可以保住了?另外,写百分制成绩会看 ...
. 鐣欏鐢宠璁哄潧-涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴
其他人也这么说,不过nyu tandon ddl还早呢。GPA的话,不是听过学校那边都会自己再算一遍么。。我就没打算改写成百分制的。。
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 楼主| jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-8 14:52:26 | 显示全部楼层
609064231 发表于 2015-12-8 14:49
字体改下,这个字体太不正规了
各种增删改,最好不要这种第二页只有一段,看着太不舒服了。。. 鐗涗汉浜戦泦,涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴
内容问题你 ...

好的,我回去再筛选下题材,谢谢咯
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米狐 发表于 2015-12-8 15:59:11 | 显示全部楼层
第一段的you看的怪怪的,用不用改个说法?不过我也是今年申请没经验,用不用改lz自己来判断吧

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米狐 发表于 2015-12-8 16:08:32 | 显示全部楼层
还有那个没参加接下来的比赛,which was a great shame,是想说你很遗憾?很惭愧好像谈不上....
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 楼主| jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-8 16:26:26 | 显示全部楼层
米狐 发表于 2015-12-8 15:59
第一段的you看的怪怪的,用不用改个说法?不过我也是今年申请没经验,用不用改lz自己来判断吧
.1point3acres缃
我也觉得不够开门见山可能会改掉这个开头吧= =. 涓浜-涓夊垎-鍦帮紝鐙鍙戝竷
我感觉遗憾是这么表达的,吧。。求指导!
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hanling 发表于 2015-12-9 00:02:33 | 显示全部楼层
jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-8 14:04. 1point3acres.com/bbs
Suppose that all your online accounts have been hacked, how could you expect to have a secure life i ...

之前看了 CV ,感觉蛮不错的就没有留言。同在申请季,提点小建议,欢迎讨论!

第二段首句 As smart phones are becoming more and more prevalent in daily life,个人觉得,as xxx get more and more xxx 这个句式十分的烂大街,最好可以换一个。如果想开门见山一点,可以删掉然后直接说,My Xiyuan Research Program in Fudan Univ was targeted xxx. 当然前提是这句话可以作为第二段的 theme sentence。. 1point 3acres 璁哄潧

which was a great shame 感觉也怪怪的,不太需要这么说吧。. 鐣欏鐢宠璁哄潧-涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴

以及,不知道卤煮 GRE 考得如何,我深深地感觉到文中的一些句子有股 GRE 阅读的味道。各种小转折,各种小插入语,各种非限定性定语从句。个人觉得这不是一个好的行文习惯。简单句,简单说,是最简洁明了的。能少绕弯就少绕弯。

PS:现在是 junior student 吗?大三么?

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ShalynChin 发表于 2015-12-9 00:12:12 | 显示全部楼层
今天刚花了1500找人修改,就当多申请一所学校了

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 楼主| jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-9 10:05:50 | 显示全部楼层
hanling 发表于 2015-12-9 00:02
之前看了 CV ,感觉蛮不错的就没有留言。同在申请季,提点小建议,欢迎讨论!

第二段首句 As smart ph ...
. Waral 鍗氬鏈夋洿澶氭枃绔,
我还以为我的CV太烂没人看呢。。。谢谢哈~. 鍥磋鎴戜滑@1point 3 acres
嗯,主要我又怕简单句太多让人觉得我英语表达能力太差,感觉权衡简单句和复杂句有点微妙。。
我册。。。senior写成junior了,,我的天,幸好你发现了,谢谢!
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 楼主| jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-9 10:07:51 | 显示全部楼层
ShalynChin 发表于 2015-12-9 00:12
今天刚花了1500找人修改,就当多申请一所学校了
. 鐗涗汉浜戦泦,涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴
我准备写好过后给学长学姐看看有没有什么结构上的问题,但是找不到native speaker改语言,又不想找文书机构(太矫情了我。。。)
1500是CV,推荐信,SOP所有文书修改的价格吗?还是只是SOP?
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ShalynChin 发表于 2015-12-9 10:50:32 | 显示全部楼层
jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-9 10:07
我准备写好过后给学长学姐看看有没有什么结构上的问题,但是找不到native speaker改语言,又不想找文书机 ...

只是sop,因为我指定编辑了,不指定的话800字也就600块钱
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hanling 发表于 2015-12-9 11:23:07 | 显示全部楼层
jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-9 10:05
我还以为我的CV太烂没人看呢。。。谢谢哈~. 鐣欏鐢宠璁哄潧-涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴
嗯,主要我又怕简单句太多让人觉得我英语表达能力太差,感觉 ...

其实迷思不在简单句和复杂句的选择,而是整体逻辑的顺畅吧~ anyway,可以请个编辑调整语言哈哈哈哈~
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 楼主| jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-9 11:37:33 | 显示全部楼层
ShalynChin 发表于 2015-12-9 10:50 鏉ユ簮涓浜.涓夊垎鍦拌鍧.
只是sop,因为我指定编辑了,不指定的话800字也就600块钱
. 1point3acres.com/bbs
我觉得还是挺贵的
还是想自己先改改再说(可能最后还是会找机构改文书吧。。。)
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 楼主| jimmyalearner 发表于 2015-12-9 11:42:23 | 显示全部楼层
hanling 发表于 2015-12-9 11:23
其实迷思不在简单句和复杂句的选择,而是整体逻辑的顺畅吧~ anyway,可以请个编辑调整语言哈哈哈哈~

嗯嗯,可能最后还是会找人改改语言吧。
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