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[文书-求改] PS求改啊!!1.2号deadline!!!!

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金牌老公 发表于 2015-12-12 10:54:08 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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十万火急啊 大神们

找了一个不靠谱的中介 被坑的 自己手动改了快7遍
鏉ユ簮涓浜.涓夊垎鍦拌鍧.
这个语言还没有润色过

所以请大家更多的关注内容呢 当然如果你关注语言 那是极好的!!!!
. 鍥磋鎴戜滑@1point 3 acres
非常感谢!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


下为我的PS

After high school, I chose Food Science and Engineering as my college major mainly because my parents’ ideas. At that time, several food safety scandals occurred in China, therefore my parents believed the food industry would be promising because of the opportunity to make an improvement. As time passed, I realized this major decision was perhaps the wisest I had made. During my time in college, a graduate-level course called Dairy Product Processing taught by a professor from Wageningen University helped me to discover my passion. The class was aimed at applying acquired knowledge about functional properties of milk components for product design rather than using the trial-and error method. I found it fascinating to enhance the wholesomeness and sensory characteristics of food and create a new food product. Thus, as I complete my undergraduate studies, I desire to continue exploring this field through the graduate program in Food Science at UBC.

In my SOPhomore year, I began to work on my own research as a member of the soybean and vegetable protein team in China Agricultural University. One of my studies involved the evaluation of different kinds of soymilk’s processing characteristics. I determined several indexes of soybean and soymilk, using cluster analysis and principal component analysis to select seven categories of principal components instead of the original eighteen indicators. According to the clustering results, seven quality parameters including seed phosphorus,total sugar, titrable acidity and etc selected from seven categories of principal components could instead of the original eighteen indicators so as to simplify the evaluation indicator system. Now, I am planning to combine the physicochemical properties with the flavor of soymilk and establish a calculating model. The significance of research lies in that the food enterprises can have a direct reference method in the selection of suitable soybean to process soymilk Not surprisingly, I encountered many obstacles during the process. Inadvertently,I retested the viscosity of a kind of soymilk, and compared it with the previous data of the same variety. Although both of them were determined under the room temperature, the viscosities of the same variety differed a lot. I realized that the impact of temperature on the viscosity might be far more than we expected. Then I discussed it with my partner and started to check related literatures to see what the temperature settings of other groups who were doing the similar research as we did. I also found a viscosity - temperature conversion formula in terms of soymilk. In the end, we determined that we must conduct all the viscosity tests under the same temperature to minimize its disturbance. Completing this project not only enriched my experience in grain evaluation, but it also taught me how to solve problems with a good teamwork.这里补上我发表的论文以及正在投稿的论文。

From my perspective, science is like an exploration into an unknown territory. I would like to develop a novel method and look forward to the application by fellow scientists in the futures. My passion in food science continued to grow after I was selected to participate as a research intern in Convenience Food R&D Group in Cargill Asia Pacific Food System (Beijing) Co.Ltd. We studied the impact of different food raw materials on the oil content of fried food and the effect of different antioxidants on curbing palm oil oxidation. Specifically, I undertook almost all the analysis work, such as texture analysis, oil content analysis, IOD(具体叫啥) and etc. I also assisted developing new sauces, such as oyster sauce and cheese sauce. I got invaluable experience and knowledge about food R&D project management process, methods of text arrangement and the establishment of food evaluation standards. More importantly, I feel the passion working as a member of a team, to create a new food product.
.鏈枃鍘熷垱鑷1point3acres璁哄潧. Waral 鍗氬鏈夋洿澶氭枃绔,
I took part in the seminar hold by Cargill in Minneapolis, America and made a presentation about Chinese food safety with our team members. Our Chinese team investigated food safety issues from Internet and real life. We concluded that the main food safety risks in China in recent years are food contamination, food borne diseases and illegal additives, resembling the situation in the world .Besides, we took the Taiwan Plasticizer Contamination Scandal in 2011 as an example to explore China's food safety regulators, and the relationship between the food industry, consumers and media. After listening presentations from scholars from America, India, Brazil and Russia, we found that food safety is an common concern in the whole world .However, different countries have different solutions with the outbreak of food safety issues;therefore people have completely different reactions. I think it is important to transfer truth of these scandals to the public. Besides,I am thinking the possibility of creating new and convenient techniques to detect risks in food. Because of this, people can prevent eating risky food…….

Recently, a non-refrigerated yogurt claimed to be produced with high-tech engineering method has been popular in the Chinese market. Pasteurization is applied on the yogurt after its fermentation so that it can be transported under ambient temperature. However, the nutrition of the yogurt would be damaged sharply. I believe the reasons of the popularity indicate a lack of knowledge of food science of the public. Studying food science in graduate school will help me to get a deeper insight so as to make more scientific and rational evaluations of food products to the public in the market. My short goal is to become a food invention engineer or food scientist in multinational food corporations. My dream is to become the creator of a new food company, and it is aimed at bringing better foods which are nutritious and affordable to consumers. I believe that is the future of the food industry.

UBC has long been my dream school for its excellent reputation, outstanding academic achievements, and elite education. I was more than thrilled to find the Food Science MSC program as the perfect opportunity for me to fulfill my goals. Moreover, an ideal climate in UBC together with the brightest and task-driven students in such an academic and innovative atmosphere in Vancouver will be the largest step ever to my career goals. In particular, I am interested in the research on functional foods. Professor Kitts’s paper “Studies on Mitigating Lipid Oxidation Reactions in a Value-Added Dairy Product Using a Standardized Cranberry Extract, stand out among many papers I read during an undergraduate class period  called Functional Food, and I credit this class and this paper introducing me to the fascinating field of the food science and human nutrition. Together, the professor Lu’s research on developing techniques to rapidly detect chemical and microbiological hazards in food systems would also make my experience at UBC a challenging and enjoyable one


lele94218 发表于 2015-12-12 12:30:46 | 显示全部楼层
建议你还是淘宝吧,这个东西不花钱没人会用心给你改的。
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 楼主| 金牌老公 发表于 2015-12-12 13:02:25 | 显示全部楼层
lele94218 发表于 2015-12-12 12:30. from: 1point3acres.com/bbs
建议你还是淘宝吧,这个东西不花钱没人会用心给你改的。
.1point3acres缃
我花了钱了 就是想求点评内容 语言之后有老外改的 我只是想知道下大家对内容的建议
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notperry 发表于 2015-12-12 13:53:41 | 显示全部楼层
卑詩大學 好學校唷... 溫哥華是北美最好的城市(可能只比紐約差一點,但是 depends on your taste),這點可以展開來寫。。UBC 一大賣點就是溫哥華。。。. 鐣欏鐢宠璁哄潧-涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴
然後可以寫更specific.. 不用寫一些 adj,可以用 details to support your viewpoint... 比如下面
. 1point 3acres 璁哄潧
UBC has long been my dream school for its excellent reputation, outstanding academic achievements, and elite education.  I was more than thrilled to find the Food Science MSC program as the perfect opportunity for me to fulfill my goals.  這段可以刪掉,改成你對 學校的 match ... 總而言之,如果有句話把你換成 另外一個人沒有任何違和感,那這句話就很失敗 XD
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 楼主| 金牌老公 发表于 2015-12-12 17:15:41 | 显示全部楼层
notperry 发表于 2015-12-12 13:53
卑詩大學 好學校唷... 溫哥華是北美最好的城市(可能只比紐約差一點,但是 depends on your taste),這點可 ...

感受到了!!谢谢点评!!!我刚下下午又重新改了一遍,为了让我的ps更加的specific!!!

请你看下我新写的最后一段:
I believe the MSc Food Science program at the UBC is my top choice because of its basic and applied sciences, which greatly matches my research interests and career aspirations. Firstly, I have real interest and passion in Food Science which my undergraduate experiences will tell more. Moreover, I appreciate the well-constructed curriculum which offers both professional subjects and selective courses such as International Food Laws and Regulations, and Food Market Analysis. By taking these courses, I will explore more in this cross-over study incorporate with food science and market. Lastly, I am particularly interested in the research on functional foods. Professor Kitts’s paper “Studies on Mitigating Lipid Oxidation Reactions in a Value-Added Dairy Product Using a Standardized Cranberry Extract, stands out among many papers I read during an undergraduate class period called Functional Food, and I credit this class and this paper introducing me to the fascinating field of the food science and human nutrition. Together, the professor Lu’s research on developing techniques to rapidly detect chemical and microbiological hazards in food systems would also make my experience at UBC a challenging and enjoyable one. If were trained in your program,I would feel optimistic about reaching my intensions .Hence, I sincerely hope for your serious consideration to my application. 鏉ユ簮涓浜.涓夊垎鍦拌鍧.
.鐣欏璁哄潧-涓浜-涓夊垎鍦
这一段有木有加强一点~~还有就是  别的段落OK吗~~尤其是第一段,感觉很少有人会那一个经历放开头》?
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notperry 发表于 2015-12-12 17:34:41 | 显示全部楼层
金牌老公 发表于 2015-12-12 17:15
感受到了!!谢谢点评!!!我刚下下午又重新改了一遍,为了让我的ps更加的specific!!!

请你看下我 ...

不需要講 家人 跟 高中啦。。主要展示你的 research vision, 不是個人故事喔
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 楼主| 金牌老公 发表于 2015-12-12 21:21:00 | 显示全部楼层
notperry 发表于 2015-12-12 17:34
不需要講 家人 跟 高中啦。。主要展示你的 research vision, 不是個人故事喔

嗯呐 我又改了第一段!我用了我在美国的seminar的经历:
In August,2013, during the seminar hold by Cargill in Minneapolis, America. I made a presentation about Chinese food safety situations with our team members. Our Chinese team investigated food safety issues from Internet and real life, and concluded that the main food safety risks in China in recent years are food contamination, food borne diseases and illegal additives, resembling the situation in the world .Besides, we took the Taiwan Plasticizer Contamination Scandal in 2011 as an example to explore China's food safety regulators, and the relationship between the food industry, consumers and media. Although we tried our best to explain that food safety issues were a common concern in all the world, I felt the powerlessness faced with other countries’ scholars questions. I jumped on every opportunity I got to learn and showcase more about knowledge about food science .Therefore, I yearn for an opportunity to study in program in Food Science MSC Program offered by from UBC .
. 1point3acres.com/bbs
我想表达因为这次seminar而萌生了读研的想法 然而感觉衔接的不好哎 求指点~~
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