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[T作文-求改] 不好意思又来求批改TPO43,希望有人能给我一些指导

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oifhyvsps 发表于 2016-7-6 16:12:36 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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本帖最后由 oifhyvsps 于 2016-7-6 16:30 编辑

首先很感谢在我上一个求改的帖子里给我提出建议的所有人,让我知道了自己犯的一些低级错误比如标点符号后面没空格和拼写错误,句式和词汇,包括论点和例子之间的逻辑关系等等。
虽然这次也没有太大起色,但是我感觉写的时候比之前有底子一些啦,知道要想清楚 题目-论点-例子 之间的逻辑关系再开始写。
而且我发现有一些问题很明显,希望能得到一些建议。
1看到题目的时候,我不知道开头该怎么写,而且我这篇的开头明显和后面对不上,非常奇怪。
2我写的时候会发现一开始想的论点不太好发展,而且可能出现想出来的例子和它关系对不上,所以就要根据例子把论点改掉。 这样挺费时间的
3看完题目,开始打字的时候会因为紧张有些手抖,然后就频繁按错键,很浪费时间,这有什么办法可以避免吗?
这次我把综合写作也一起发上来吧,也希望能得到一些建议,谢谢!

综合写作
According to the reading passage, much fossils of agnostids were found in many areas all over the world and some theories have been proposed to suggest how agnostids may have lived. However, the professor in the lecture refutes those theories by pointing out that each of them has serious weakness.

First, the reading passage suggests that agnostids may be free-swimming predators while the professor in the listening part claims that agnostids don't have the physical ability to be considered as free-swimming predators. Since most of free-swimming predators which swam in open oceans are equipped with large and well-developed eyes, indicating that vision is an important factor for predators to catch preys. However, agnostids which are regarded as blind have tiny and poorer eyes. Moreover, there is no evidence or record can indicate that agnostids have other organs enable them to be free-swimming predators.

Second, the professor in the lecture directly refutes the theory that agnostids may be seafloor dwellers by citing a strong argument. Typically, seafloor dwellers cannot move fast across the seafloor, they just slowly move around their habitats. What's more, they always stay in the small areas that they originated. In fact, those agnostids can spread across the seafloor and they have been able to move from one area to another for long distances, indicating that they couldn't be seafloor dwellers.

Third, though the reading passage holds the viewpoint that agnostids could be parasites, the professor points out this theory's weakness directly. We all know that parasites must live on larger organisms, getting nutrients from them. As a result, the population of parasites cannot be large, otherwise, those organisms will die eventually. Conversely, agnostids always grew in a very large population, thus its great size of population shows that they couldn't be parasites.


独立写作题目:Imagine that you are in a classroom or ameeting. The teacher or the meeting leader says something incorrect. In youropinion, which of the following is the best to do?
-Interrupt and correct the mistake rightaway
-Wait until the class or meeting is overand the people are gone, and then talk to the teacher or meeting leader
-Say nothing

As the rapid development of all-rounded areas, people nowadays are less likely to be adept to socialization and communication than those in the old times, since we can choose to avoid building connections with others in most of situations. It leads to the phenomenon that more and more people are having a lack of interacting effectively and appropriately with others. Given in the situation in a classroom or a meeting, I would definitely choose to interrupt and correct the mistake right away, for it not only can help us learn another respect of thinking from others and offer us a chance to stand out, but it also proves useful when making friends.

First of all, interrupting and correcting the mistake right away can help the process of study or discussion continue in a better way, since nobody will be misled by the wrong idea and everything can go on in a distinctive way. When having a class, teachers always offer students a general information of materials. Also, common sense informed me that it is kind of impossible for people to convey the context without any personal stand. Sometimes teachers can imply some subjective ideas which can be absolutely wrong when delivering information to students, so it is an absolute necessity to point out the incorrect viewpoints and lead the direction of discussion to a better one.

Meanwhile, professors or group leaders are always delighted when someone proposes ideas which are directly opposed to theirs, because it can give everyone present another respect of thinking, thus always spelling the heated discussions during classes. And it is noticeable that having discussions when taking courses is a fascinating method for students to learn from others with distinctive opinions, especially students with different personalities and majors. Moreover, learning from others during discussions has no restrictions of nationality and ethnicity, thus knowledge in it can help people communicate better with friends from every corner of the world.

Another crucial perspective we cannot overlook is people who interrupt the professors and group leaders and speak of themselves can always leave deep impressions on others at presence. Obviously, this kind of behavior can let those people stand out from others, since they can be memorized as those who are willing to express their distinctive opinions, indicating they are more likely to be regarded as outgoing people. We all know that this kind of people are always popular among students.

Being conducive for us to learn another respect of thinking, offering us the chance to stand out and letting us be proficient when making new friends - these three roles of interrupting and correcting the mistake right away render it dispensable for us.


PS 上午的时候看了论坛里一个已批改的作文帖子,有一位楼主的文章特别好,我打印下来,今天早上写了一篇TPO47的作文,用上了里面的一些句子,下午写这篇的时候也用上啦!嗨森!^0^
edwardpei 发表于 2016-7-10 19:20:50 | 显示全部楼层
今天刚考完托福,我就趁热说点自己意见吧。感觉楼主的思路和我刚开始写作文那会儿特别像。通过楼主试图写的长难句以及句式语法,感觉你的基本功挺不错的,平时应该也背了一些好的段子。但是,有些词汇和句式用的有些别扭,然后最主要的问题是,读文章可以明显感觉出逻辑上不是特别通顺,能明显看出很多地方是为了运用自己背的东西而故意写的句子。楼主可翻译成中文,自己读下感受下。
建议楼主转变下思路,比如拿到题目先用中文想好每段的主题和大体的论证过程。然后再用英文写出来。
这个文章,目测可以打3分。如果想上到4,要求句法更加通顺,然后逻辑环环相扣。

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hanling 发表于 2016-7-8 09:00:55 | 显示全部楼层
我不太记得托福作文怎么要求的了,是要写长难句么。。。

比如 Meanwhile 一段, 96 个词,一共就三个句号,简直反人类啊。。。

在这个前提下,还有一些我觉得是语法错误的反而不是重点了。。。

姑妄言之,有没有道理欢迎讨论。

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 楼主| oifhyvsps 发表于 2016-7-8 13:38:12 | 显示全部楼层
hanling 发表于 2016-7-8 09:00
我不太记得托福作文怎么要求的了,是要写长难句么。。。

比如 Meanwhile 一段, 96 个词,一共就三个句 ...

我不是刻意为之。。 那我想想吧。。 谢谢你
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hanling 发表于 2016-7-8 17:59:41 | 显示全部楼层
oifhyvsps 发表于 2016-7-8 13:38
我不是刻意为之。。 那我想想吧。。 谢谢你

国人写的长难句其实都挺幼稚的。先把简单句写好,每句之间的含义明确了,意思连贯了,就好啦~ 顺便 GRE 作文也就写好啦~ 如果你还要继续准备 GRE 的话~

祝复习顺利~
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 楼主| oifhyvsps 发表于 2016-7-20 12:01:06 | 显示全部楼层
我来报成绩啦! 9号考的,最没底的writing竟然27了。。。><
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edwardpei 发表于 2016-7-20 13:03:27 | 显示全部楼层
莫非9、10一起出的,我10号考的25,三次都是两good的25,发挥真tm稳定
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bbff1234 发表于 2016-7-21 07:47:30 | 显示全部楼层
个人觉得lz写作大概3-4 out of 5的水平 - 注意语法修辞和句式结构。楼上有人提到长难句的问题: 其实长难句写好了,可以给文章增添不少光彩,但是如果变成run-on sentence,那就无异于流水账。楼主有些时候有run-on的倾向(句子里缺动词,短句之间直接用逗号链接),这个会大大降低文章的印象分。语法的准确性,始终是toefl写作最需要重视的一点。

至于lz的论点我不觉得有太大问题, 还请呼叫各位大神指点一下
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sundance1 发表于 2016-7-30 13:15:17 | 显示全部楼层
lz,我看了独立作文第一段,感觉用词冗长,拖沓,好些词可以删了,句子间关系不流畅,不如行文适当简洁,表述明确,反而更好。觉得你是为了用词而用。
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