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黎明之前 发表于 2016-8-29 12:51:47 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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先谢谢各位同学了
题目是Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Because the world is changing so quickly, people now are less happy or less satisfied with their lives than people were in the past.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
-------------------------------------------------
正文:Modern societychanges a lot from it in the past. Some people reckon that people nowadays areless happy with their lives than people in the past were because of the rapidchange of world. To large extent, I agree with the point that we are less happybecause of the mental pressure from our environment, and little time to relaxwith laborious activities to do.
Initially, I have to admit that wemodern human have much more ways to play and enjoy than our ancestors did. Liketravelling, listening to concert, exercising, and playing video games.
Nevertheless, wealso face greater pressure from our surroundings than people did in the past. Aperson would not be happy if s/he faces too much pressure, because whenever orwherever s/he is, s/he suffers from great mental pressure, which made her/himhard to get happy. Students face too much expectation from their parents to beexcellent in the school, colleges face too much competition when interviewing,the young face pressure to be rich or famous, and or so. Say, a PhD, who justgraduates from school, at first faces fierce competition to get a goodprofessor job in university, after that, his parents push him to find agirlfriend and marry as soon as possible. When he becomes a professor, he hasto think how to get money and support from nation, companies for his project,every of which would make lots of people upset and even mad, far away frombeing happy.
Furthermore, alot of activities have taken our lives, with little time left to relax andenjoy life. It is familiar for many employees to work in company over night.They spend most of days working and making money, tired and exhausted back tohome. They have no strength to exercise or take a ride, and just want to sleep.In that case, when could they take a break and enjoy the beauty of life?Imagine a college student. He has to take 2 courses every day, which takes himat least 5 hours, and 3 hours are spent completing his homework. In addition,he has to work at a cafe at night. Obviously, he was occupied by these worksand studies, and has no time to exercise, take a concert, and or so.
To sum up,people nowadays face too much mental pressure, and too much work and studytaking up their time, so it is hard for us to enjoy the lives and become morehappy.

怀瑾 发表于 2018-3-12 17:59:47 | 显示全部楼层
Modern society changes a lot from it in the past. Some people reckon that people nowadays are less happy with their lives than people in the past were because of the rapid change of world. To large extent, I agree with the point that we are less happy because of the mental pressure from our environment, and little time to relax with laborious activities to do.(在开头段中你的两个观点有重叠部分,建议换一个观点,比如现在的环境问题污染更严重了)

Initially, I have to admit that we modern human have much more ways to play and enjoy than our ancestors did. Like travelling, listening to concert, exercising, and playing video games. Nevertheless, we also face greater pressure from our surroundings than people did in the past.(最好总结一下为什么总体而言,现在的那些方面导致更不快乐了) A person would not be happy if s/he faces too much pressure, because whenever or wherever s/he is, s/he suffers from great mental pressure, which made her/him hard to get happy. Students face too much expectation from their parents to be excellent in the school, colleges face too much competition when interviewing, the young face pressure to be rich or famous, and or so. Say, a PhD, who just graduates from school, at first faces fierce competition to get a good professor job in university, after that, his parents push him to find a girl friend and marry as soon as possible. When he becomes a professor, he has to think how to get money and support from nation, companies for his project, every of which would make lots of people upset and even mad, far away from being happy.(这里你列举的这些例子,基本都是从现在出发,怎么让人压力更大,但是题目是一个现在和过去对比的题,所以你不能只说现在,还需要论述一下过去的情况是什么样,为什么过去更好。)

Furthermore, a lot of activities have taken our lives, with little time left to relax and enjoy life. It is familiar for many employees to work in company over night. They spend most of days working and making money, tired and exhausted back to home. They have no strength to exercise or take a ride, and just want to sleep. In that case, when could they take a break and enjoy the beauty of life? Imagine a college student. He has to take 2 courses every day, which takes him at least 5 hours, and 3 hours are spent completing his homework. In addition, he has to work at a cafe at night. Obviously, he was occupied by these works and studies, and has no time to exercise, take a concert, and or so.(这一段论述的不错,最后可以加一个段内总结)

To sum up, people nowadays face too much mental pressure, and too much work and study taking up their time, so it is hard for us to enjoy the lives and become more happy.
总体而言,还不错,但是需要注意这是一个时间前后比较类的题目,两个方面都要顾及。
文章最好是有三个主体段,如果想不出来三个观点,可以加一个让步段。
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yunyanyan 发表于 2018-3-15 13:12:52 | 显示全部楼层
感觉楼主整体结构和思路还是有的,但是在用词和句法上有待提高啊,单复数主谓语很多很基本的语法错误一定一定要避免啊
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yz1024 发表于 2018-3-16 06:01:01 | 显示全部楼层


题目是Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Because the world is changing so quickly, people now are less happy or less satisfied with their lives than people were in the past.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
-------------------------------------------------【修改】
1、文章很多词都是连在一起,比如“societychanges”不清楚是你打字问题还是论坛版本问题。但是,如果你托福写作这样打上去,你连在一起的词全部都是语法错误,分自动降一个档次。
2、 很多语法错误,下回可以拿grammarly先跑完再发上论坛。
3、文章太短,字数太少,也是一个大短板。
4、逗号句号后请务必空格。


正文:(常见问题:缺少attention grabber,一般每篇文章开头最好有hooks and attention grabbers。可以去google一下怎么写attention grabbers and hooks。一般托福里面用最简单的hook——疑问句)Modern societychanges a lot from it in the past. Some people reckon that people nowadays areless happy with their lives than people in the past were because of the rapidchange of world. background introduction不够多,可以多写)To large extent, I agree with the point that we are less happybecause of the mental pressure from our environment, and little time to relaxwith laborious activities to do.(文章的thesis statement应该是连成一句话的Concession+Topic+Comment的格式,放在第一段段尾。第一个问题,你没有concession;第二个问题是你没有comment——so what?为什么你的观点是对的?)
Initially,(段首有连接词,好) I (比较正式的写作减少使用I, us, our, you, we等第一人称或者第二人称)have to admit that wemodern human have much more ways to play and enjoy than our ancestors did. Liketravelling, listening to concert, exercising, and playing video games.这一段是在搞什么?托福作文最好的结构是开头段+三个PIE body paragraphs +conclusion段落。这个段落在这里非常非常尴尬。要例子没详细例子,要解释没解释,point也很混乱。
Nevertheless, wealso face greater pressure from our surroundings than people did in the past. (每段首句应当是该段中心句,也应该是topic+comment模式。这里的中心句没有comment,在中心句就该点明这一段的主要观点和主要理由)Aperson would not be happy if s/he faces too much pressure, because whenever orwherever s/he is, s/he suffers from great mental pressure, which made her/himhard to get happy. Students face too much expectation from their parents to beexcellent in the school, colleges face too much competition when interviewing,the young face pressure to be rich or famous, and or so. Say, a PhD, who justgraduates from school, at first faces fierce competition to get a goodprofessor job in university, after that, his parents push him to find agirlfriend and marry as soon as possible. When he becomes a professor, he hasto think how to get money and support from nation, companies for his project,every of which would make lots of people upset and even mad, far away frombeing happy.(跟很多人一样,例子太宽泛了,没有说服力,说完例子就没有认真解释为什么例子能support段落中心句了)
Furthermore, alot of activities have taken our lives, with little time left to relax andenjoy life. It is familiar for many employees to work in company over night.They spend most of days working and making money, tired and exhausted back tohome. They have no strength to exercise or take a ride, and just want to sleep.In that case, when could they take a break and enjoy the beauty of life?Imagine a college student. He has to take 2 courses every day, which takes himat least 5 hours, and 3 hours are spent completing his homework. In addition,he has to work at a cafe at night. Obviously, he was occupied by these worksand studies, and has no time to exercise, take a concert, and or so.
(应该再有一段,两段是不够的)
To sum up,people nowadays face too much mental pressure, and too much work and studytaking up their time, so it is hard for us to enjoy the lives and become morehappy.(结尾太短,应该是:总结前文内容(用一种新的方式),回顾过去,展望未来,回归thesis statement)



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laopeng1000 发表于 2018-5-10 06:56:01 | 显示全部楼层
yz1024 发表于 2018-3-16 06:01
题目是Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Because the world is changing so q ...

关于你第一段指出的问题 能否请有空的时候提供下具体如何修改?
第一次看到托福作文首段的这样的修改意见
求教 谢谢
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