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[文书-求改] PS第一稿求改,感谢感谢!!

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HazyDream 发表于 2016-9-7 10:53:29 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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凑啊凑的,终于勉强完成了第一稿,也有找亲朋好友帮忙看了看改了改,希望大家再帮忙看看。科研经历太少,真的是硬凑。而且感觉很多地方挺重复的,导致字数很多很臃肿的样子= =,有没有什么建议。
语言可以先忽略下,最后应该还会找机构帮忙润色。
如果下面这个看的不舒服,这里有网盘链接http://pan.baidu.com/s/1pKDUBQ7



My nameis Zhen Wang. Currently, I am a student in Nanjing University of Aeronauticsand Astronautics (NUAA). NUAA is one of the top universities in China. From there,my academic career take off.
During the first year in NUAA, I studied in AirportManagement. This major is to train airport operational and support personnel.When I realized that I could predict almost all the career possibilities in my future,I knew that Airport Management is not the major that I want. Therefore, Idetermined to pursue a more challenging and innovative major, Automation-Avionicsand Control. In China, it is of strict requirements to change major. I need tobe best of the best just in order to choose my major on my free will.Eventually, through one year of hard working, I became top 1 in Airport Management.As a result, not only I succeeded to get into Automation faculty, but alsoachieved the National Award, which only awarded top 1% among all majors.
Since my secondyear, I devoted great enthusiasm to this interdisciplinary subject of controlscience, computer science and so on. I participated in several electroniccircuit design competitions and did research on relevant chips. I also studiedhard on course projects, such as global navigation system and helicoptercontrol. During my study, I applied proper algorithm to manager primaryproblems. For example, I used the PID control algorithm to realize the controlof coaxial helicopters. I believe it is the curiosity that drivenmyself in learning. Through unremitting efforts, I achieved an excellent grade,90.4/100 and ranked 1/25(Number of the students) among my track.
In a widerange of learning and practice, I also adjust the direction of my dream butnever slow down. Now, standing in the interception of the graduation, I listento the call of my heart and make a careful and determined choice. I decide toget engaged with major of computer science and let it be my lifelong career.
When Iwas a freshman, I independently completed the design ofSpeeding Tickets Generation System with C language. From then I clearly feltthe satisfaction of using algorithms to solve practical problems. This kind ofexperiences stimulates my interest on the computer science. With the depth oflearning, my passion on computer science increased. I tried to enhance mymathematical ability to lay a solid foundation for my future development. I wasselected by the Engineering Mathematical Analysis class to learn the mostdifficult advanced mathematical course for engineering students and phrasedwith 1 additional point (scale 5) of grade. What is more, I have extensivecontacts with all kinds of principle and applications of computer science,including neural network, genetic algorithm, assembly language, adaptiveprinciple, data structure, computer vision etc.
Apartfrom a large number of in-depth theoretical studies, I also seized everyopportunity to participate in scientific research and practice.
In myjunior year, I led a course project entitled optimization algorithm on theelevator group control and its economic analysis. In this process, I not onlylearned how to design algorithm corresponding with real-world models, masteredthe complete and rigorous research methods, but also to understand theresponsibility of the team leader and the value of teamwork.
I alsotook part in the project of Policy Analysis Based on Back Propagation (BP) Neural Network. My task was to establish aneural network, so that it could make a higher accuracy of prediction. In theperiod of reading a large number of references and studying many related cases,I got a deep understanding of the structure, function and realization method ofneural networks and generated a neural network model. However, improving theprediction accuracy was the biggest problem. I got stuck in this problem for along time. Through repeatedly comparing and screening various plans, I finallyfound a solution of comprehensively utilizing different influential elements,like increasing the capacity of training data, adjusting political factors, andusing the proper normalized function. The accuracy finally met the requirement.The completion of this task promoted the development of the entire projectresearch. From this project, I have got a deeper understanding of artificialintelligence and the importance of standardized scientific research.
This summer, I achieved theopportunity to work as an intern in Shanghai Creating Information TechnologyCo., I took the position to assist the development of the management software,DRGs evaluation platform. During this internship, I learned the C# and theprimary design idea of aspx .net, which greatly enhance the ability ofobject-oriented programming and algorithm design. My supervisor asked me to createthe system login page. It was not easy for the first time to write. I had toread the definitions of all the needed classes, study the proper use of the dynamiclink library, learn the communication with the database and have a clear ideaof both the page design and the background processing. When the mission wasalmost finished, I come across a trouble that when the tips appeared, theoriginal page would refresh. Assisted by my supervisor, I knew the method touse Ajax to realize the asynchronous update of the page. Finally, the task wascompleted and the Co. was satisfied with my performance.
All the research and practiceexperiences are of great value to me and I want to participate in more projectsin the graduate stage. Realizing that my professional capability is stilllimited, I hope to pursue a master degree in USC to solid the foundation andfurther enhance my background. USC enjoys a high reputation in the world and Viterbi School of Engineering is the target school for many famous companies. The Computer Science -Scientists and Engineers program is carefully crafted to students with limitedbackground. All these not only let me yearn and accord with my presentsituation as well. I treat master not as the end of academic study, but a newstart. I want to apply to Ph. D program so as to improve my scientific researchstrength and academic attainments. And my long-term goal is to get into theindustrial field and become a top software engineer. Technological innovationis the key to the progress of the era. It is the full application of advancedtheory to the real world that maximizes the creation of value. I believe the Scientistsand Engineers program is the most suitable program to me and could realize mypotential. I sincerely hope to join you next year.

        



. 涓浜-涓夊垎-鍦帮紝鐙鍙戝竷

补充内容 (2016-10-19 20:00):. visit 1point3acres.com for more.
修改后的第二稿在这http://pan.baidu.com/s/1jIlWXwy。。。求指点了。时间紧迫了
Alice Wandering 发表于 2016-10-19 15:42:18 | 显示全部楼层
这篇文书抛开语言不说,内容逻辑也是比较混乱…… 我给你提一些意见,建议你回去自己再好好理顺一下思路,自己好好改一下,再拿给靠谱文书机构招外国老师改。

I decide toget engaged with major of computer science and let it be my lifelong career. 这一句话之前的部分大多是无效部分,建议你开头开门见山,As a Automation-Avionics and Control major in Nanjing University of Aeronautics and Astronautics (NUAA), one of the top universities in China, I would like to apply for XXX program in your university.  (美国学校不会care你转专业多难,这也和你申请CS项目没什么关系,用大段废话将转专业多难,不如后面好好把project的细节讲清楚)。然后说明,during the four year undergraduate study, I ranked #1with a GPA XX and have a solid knowledge foundation of XXXX (一般写数学课和一些程序语言课,这些是CS项目比较看重的)。我同样还有很多和CS相关的时间精力以及研究经历,我相信所有的一切,使得我是一个strong candidate. (美国人的思维真的不喜欢你那么多铺垫段落,开门见山说你多么优秀,然后我要申请你们的项目,就可以)

然后接下来的段落可以按照时间顺序写(看你目前的文书基础也是按照时间顺序写的多). 涓浜-涓夊垎-鍦帮紝鐙鍙戝竷
我对CS的兴趣起源于大一,XX实例支持。
我知道数学是学好计算机学科的基础,所以我努力学好数学,并且被选去上 Engineering Mathematical Analysis class(虽然我不懂为什么要被select去上?)然后讲讲你学到了什么先进知识,为之后计算机深造打下什么基础啊?
除了数学课,我还有很强的计算机理论基础,你学了什么相关的课,取得了什么成绩,为之后计算机深造打下什么基础啊?
下面挑2个比较重要的实践项目详细讲,具体讲你怎样实践了你的计算机理论,学到了什么,和接下来申请CS有什么联系?(举例不在于多在于精,一般的经历放在CV里就好了)
接下来就是why school部分了,这部分你基本sense是有的,但可以写的再丰富一些,例如USC哪些课程你认为感兴趣?UCS地理位置里硅谷近,有更多实习机会你不会心动吗?USC大牛小有多人脉广,你不会不知道吧? 说most suitable program to me,不如说你认为你是学校的一个宝贵的asset...
再回去好好改改,祝你成功!

补充内容 (2016-10-19 15:49):
深夜写评价。。发现好多错别字哦。。
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cuichen1995 发表于 2016-9-7 11:35:29 | 显示全部楼层
说清楚你是Undergraduate 还是已经是Master
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 楼主| HazyDream 发表于 2016-9-7 12:04:41 | 显示全部楼层
是本科申请硕士,本科自动化,ce/cs混申= =
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 楼主| HazyDream 发表于 2016-9-7 19:22:25 | 显示全部楼层
感觉要沉= =我顶
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 楼主| HazyDream 发表于 2016-10-19 20:02:39 | 显示全部楼层
Alice Wandering 发表于 2016-10-19 15:42
这篇文书抛开语言不说,内容逻辑也是比较混乱…… 我给你提一些意见,建议你回去自己再好好理顺一下思路, ...

非常感谢!!!确实是我的病症所在。我按这个改了第二版,还有之前找人改的一份,发在了上面,不知哪个好一点。如果您有时间可不可以再帮忙看下,感觉时间很紧了,好慌。
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Alice Wandering 发表于 2016-10-19 23:24:32 | 显示全部楼层
HazyDream 发表于 2016-10-19 20:02
非常感谢!!!确实是我的病症所在。我按这个改了第二版,还有之前找人改的一份,发在了上面,不知哪个好 ...

没有看到第二版诶。。。我是打算每天帮地里同学评一篇文书的。。。今天打算看其他人的。。。
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 楼主| HazyDream 发表于 2016-10-20 00:59:27 | 显示全部楼层
Alice Wandering 发表于 2016-10-19 23:24
没有看到第二版诶。。。我是打算每天帮地里同学评一篇文书的。。。今天打算看其他人的。。。

就在补充内容里,百度云。之后要是有时间求指点啊(εó
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velano 发表于 2016-10-20 02:14:03 | 显示全部楼层
嗨,我也看了你的帖子 要不你留个网盘或者什么 我把一些拙见写在文档给你?
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 楼主| HazyDream 发表于 2016-10-20 11:07:39 | 显示全部楼层
velano 发表于 2016-10-20 02:14. visit 1point3acres.com for more.
嗨,我也看了你的帖子 要不你留个网盘或者什么 我把一些拙见写在文档给你?

上面补充内容里是分享的网盘。。。我留个邮箱吧wangzhen5161@qq.com。。。谢谢啦!!
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velano 发表于 2016-10-20 12:23:25 | 显示全部楼层
好嘞!今晚发你 至少我也是改了好久的文书,感同身受
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Alice Wandering 发表于 2016-10-22 00:48:58 | 显示全部楼层
HazyDream 发表于 2016-10-20 00:59
就在补充内容里,百度云。之后要是有时间求指点啊(εó

选第1版,逻辑清晰,内容也饱满,第2版的问题很大,里面的小标题都要去掉,完整的PS里不需要小标题 . 里面有一些很虚的废话,完全占用了宝贵的PS空间,内容槽点很多,只是语言比之前提高了。
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 楼主| HazyDream 发表于 2016-10-22 10:21:10 | 显示全部楼层
Alice Wandering 发表于 2016-10-22 00:48
选第1版,逻辑清晰,内容也饱满,第2版的问题很大,里面的小标题都要去掉,完整的PS里不需要小标题 . 里 ...

好的好的谢谢啦
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cxw1003 发表于 2016-10-26 21:34:39 | 显示全部楼层
看了楼主第一版,写的很详细,感觉像美赛论文,不过字数会不会太多了
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