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[文书-求改] PS第一版,麻烦各位帮我看看,多谢多谢

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我的人缘0
shenzqt 发表于 2016-10-20 19:24:08 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
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Statement of Purpose
It was not until my first visit to Shanghai Science and Technology Museum when I was seventeen that I was fascinated by the marvelous and precise movements exhibited by a wide variety of robots. At that time I was only attracted by the interesting functions and appearances displayed by these robots. However, now, after four years study of mechanical engineering, the improvement and innovation that derive from the progress of virtually every field of technology are what I find most appealing about Mechanics. Therefore, I strongly desire to pursue a Master of mechanical engineering degree and take wide-ranging curriculum in order to achieve my goal of undertaking cutting-edge research in the future.
The best proof of my interest in this field is the fast rise of my GPA in the third year. The first two years in Soochow University were a depression period for me and I did poorly in some subjects. However, in the third year, since we took more professional courses, I found its interesting to combine mechanics with other disciplines, such as Electric Technique, Principle of Microcomputer, etc. Therefore, I spent the third year in diligent and highly effective study, and my GPA rose from 3.1 to 3.44. My excellent performance in study brought me many Scholarships and reinforced my determination to devote myself to the combination between mechanics and other disciplines.
Among the full range of engineering courses, I loved Mechatronics most because it combines mechanics and electronics perfectly. I was fascinated by the various functions of senors, stepper motors and servo motors. Therefore, I wanted to get in touch with more professional research and went to the lecturer of this course, Dr. Bowen Zhong for help. After understanding my intentions, Dr. Zhong brought me to his company, which mainly relies on the manufacture and sell of piezoelectric ceramics for living. In his company, I gained a deep understanding of the inverse piezoelectric effect and various mechanical components.
Also, I took part in the 18th Extracurricular Academic Project guided by Dr. Zhong, which aimed at the design and construction of the new objective table of microscope. As a member of the project, I was responsible for the part of mechanics, that is the processing, assembly and experimentation. This project had promising applications in future medical field since it can improve the precision and efficiency of detection of blood cells greatly.
Later, my interest shifted to robotics, which involves the knowledge from various disciplines and represents the technology of world current technology frontier. I joined the professor Yuan Feng’s group in the Robot Research Center of Soochow University. Here I had opportunities to come into contact with various popular intelligent robots and also, I took part in several lectures hosted by famous professors from the United States. Though these experiences, I not only improved my English but also understood the latest situation of the development of the intelligent robots in the world.
Due to my active participation in the Robot Research Center and abundant knowledge of the programming and structure of robots, I was appointed by professor Xiangpeng Li as the leader of a team to take part in the dancing group of the Eighteenth National Robotics Championship. Because we had limited time for preparation before the start of the competition, I assigned different tasks to each team member according to their own advantage so that we can accomplish the entire dancing movements more effectively. During the process, I was responsible for the programming based on RoboBasic, debugging of movements and maintenance of electric motors. Owe to our adequate preparation and technical expertise, we finally made an excellent performance and awarded the first prize in the competition. I got a feeling of achievement when I realized that it was worth to work until deep into the night for several days. More importantly, because of this experience I made up my mind to focus my future studies on one or a combination of the following areas: systems and automatic control, computer aided engineering, computer aided design and manufacturing.
Therefore, I wish to earn a MS degree in Mechanical Engineering for further education and research. Since Mechanical Engineering Graduate Program at Purdue University is reputable for its wide-ranging curriculum and diverse research activities, attending Purdue University would give me an opportunity to enhance my expertise and sharpen my research skills. I hope you will give me the privilege of continuing my studies at your fine institution.
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上一篇:PS第一稿,麻烦各位帮我看看,多谢
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我的人缘0
462473927 发表于 2016-10-20 19:47:54 | 显示全部楼层
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0% (暂未有人投票) 【我投】
楼主 直接把PS发出来不是很好吧? 得自己长个心眼~ 有些话我就不明说了
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我的人缘0
 楼主| shenzqt 发表于 2016-10-20 19:59:32 | 显示全部楼层
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462473927 发表于 2016-10-20 19:47
楼主 直接把PS发出来不是很好吧? 得自己长个心眼~ 有些话我就不明说了
. visit 1point3acres for more.
咋了。。别人不都是直接发出来的吗
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mikemike0 发表于 2016-10-20 21:24:26 | 显示全部楼层
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0% (0) 【我投】
shenzqt 发表于 2016-10-20 19:59
咋了。。别人不都是直接发出来的吗

是啊 我覺得還好吧..
因為SOP寫起來除非有什麼過人之處 不然都大同小異我覺得
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nhqgoal 发表于 2016-10-20 21:59:08 | 显示全部楼层
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0% (暂未有人投票) 【我投】
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0% (暂未有人投票) 【我投】
学习了,ps 我还没着手写。。楼主知道哪里有比较好的优秀 ps 参考范例吗
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我的人缘1
hanling 发表于 2016-10-21 04:19:35 | 显示全部楼层
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看了一遍感觉挺好的,我也不是很会写,不过还是斗胆提一点点个人意见~

1 可能是写作风格问题,我个人觉得第一段,用更陈述和正式的语言表达出申请的目标和方向会比 “It was not until my first visit”和“I was fascinated by the marvelous xxx” 靠谱一些。比如我大概会写
Looking forward to xxxx is the reason why I apply for a master program. My research interest involves aaaaa and bbbbb.
. 1point3acres
类似 attracted by these robots 会给我感觉不够严肃?

2 正文的 5 个主题段落的主题句不是很明显,我觉得最好每一段能用一个简单句概括一下这段讲述的经历的收获或者缘由,比如第二段开头 “The best proof of my interest is xxx” 就很好的概括了第二段的内容,后面则不那么明确。

3 这一点不算建议,就是好奇一下,全文好像出现了 3 个 professor 的名字,是不是 lz 的三封推荐信分别由这三位老师来写?如果是的话,简直 perfect
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 楼主| shenzqt 发表于 2016-10-21 09:03:33 | 显示全部楼层
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hanling 发表于 2016-10-21 04:19
看了一遍感觉挺好的,我也不是很会写,不过还是斗胆提一点点个人意见~. 留学申请论坛-一亩三分地
. 留学申请论坛-一亩三分地
1 可能是写作风格问题,我个人觉 ...

太谢谢了, 这些建议都很有用,我会再改改。另外,里面3位教授有两位是帮我写推荐信的

评分

参与人数 1大米 +3 收起 理由
hanling + 3 据说经历和推荐信相呼应有加分,但我觉得都.

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 楼主| shenzqt 发表于 2016-10-21 09:04:48 | 显示全部楼层
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nhqgoal 发表于 2016-10-20 21:59
学习了,ps 我还没着手写。。楼主知道哪里有比较好的优秀 ps 参考范例吗

我是在各论坛里搜的,地里也有很多这类资料
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zj45499 发表于 2016-10-21 09:30:43 | 显示全部楼层
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100% (1) 【我投】
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放到google doc里呗?. more info on 1point3acres
看了两行我就觉得我要瞎了
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 楼主| shenzqt 发表于 2016-10-21 09:39:39 | 显示全部楼层
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zj45499 发表于 2016-10-21 09:30-google 1point3acres
放到google doc里呗?
看了两行我就觉得我要瞎了
. more info on 1point3acres
啥意思啊。。我不太懂额
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zj45499 发表于 2016-10-21 09:44:13 | 显示全部楼层
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Screen Shot 2016-10-20 at 9.43.13 PM.jpg

现在懂了么?. From 1point 3acres bbs
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 楼主| shenzqt 发表于 2016-10-21 10:08:38 | 显示全部楼层
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zj45499 发表于 2016-10-21 09:44. 围观我们@1point 3 acres
现在懂了么?
. 围观我们@1point 3 acres
我把它转成pdf了,你看看可不可以

statement of purpose.pdf

47.56 KB, 下载次数: 8, 下载积分: 大米 -1 升

评分

参与人数 1大米 +3 收起 理由
hanling + 3 下载附件需要积分哈哈哈哈于是就没人下载了

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zj45499 发表于 2016-10-21 10:16:06 | 显示全部楼层
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shenzqt 发表于 2016-10-21 10:08
我把它转成pdf了,你看看可不可以

no....      
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 楼主| shenzqt 发表于 2016-10-21 10:26:32 | 显示全部楼层
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0% (暂未有人投票) 【我投】
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0% (暂未有人投票) 【我投】
. more info on 1point3acres

                               
登录/注册后可看大图

                               
登录/注册后可看大图

                               
登录/注册后可看大图

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TreVv94 发表于 2016-10-30 18:01:14 | 显示全部楼层
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我也没什么经验,英语上提不了什么意见,讲几点看法,楼主看看行不行
1. . Therefore, I wanted to get in touch with more professional research and went to the lecturer of this course, Dr. Bowen Zhong for help. After understanding my intentions, Dr. Zhong brought me to his company
这一段,感觉说了点废话,不用说这么细节,其实重要的就是这个公司是干啥的 & 你在这个公司干了啥 对吧,简洁一点会好一点
2. Later, my interest shifted to robotics
这一段有点突兀,就你突然好像就换了个兴趣了,一般的思路应该是我做了什么然后产生了什么兴趣吧,你可以把这一段的行文顺序改一改
3.最后建议写一点你和这个学校比价match的部分
. 牛人云集,一亩三分地
预祝我们都申请顺利
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一家衬衣厂 发表于 2016-10-30 18:30:15 | 显示全部楼层
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只看了前面一部分,看到了poorly

强烈建议不要在自己身上用这种词汇。你要知道美国人都是把自己往死里吹的,中性词就代表了不好,你用个poorly……
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