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[T作文-求改] 11月上旬独立写作机经,请各位大神狠狠地批啊,最近要考试的小伙伴也可以参考下题目

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Oran 发表于 2016-11-6 12:37:27 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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综合Good,独立却是Fair,很不开心,于是开始狂练,以下是第一弹~求大神给意见,thanks~
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Political leaders contribute more to the society than artists.

These days, political leaders and artists have influence on people’s lives in different ways, but some people believe that political leaders are much more important than artists because their job is more related to people’s daily lives. Even some people claim that political leaders contribute more to society than artists. This, however, is an exaggeration in my perspective. Actually, they are equally important to a society, plus, they even complete and promote each other.

Political leaders do play an important role in thriving our society. Political leaders have the capacity to make our life much better by making new laws, pass bills and setting good policies. They are people who can start an evolution in order to improve living condition so that all their citizens live in a suitable life. Thanks to their contributions on investing more budget on technology industrial, modern technology devises such as cell phones and computers are easily available for people nowadays than ever before. Due to political leaders’ efforts on solving social problems, most people now do not suffer from starving and unemployment. Without political leaders, such things will never happen. Besides, political leaders can also thrive art by supporting artists. Since art, in some extent, can stand for the soft power of a country and many artists’ work may not be paid immediately, funds from government is crucial for art and artists. With political leaders’ assistance and funding, artists would have enough money to create more works and do contributions to society, the art will be prospers as well.

Although political leaders make a lot of contributions to the society, we still need artists because they make our life more beautiful. Without artists and their works, we would have no concert to listen, no exhibition to attend, no music to enjoy as well. That will lead our life become boring and dull, also there will be nothing beauty to appreciate. We have to admit that artists indeed do a great contributions that they provide us with a special angle to have a look to nature or a certain society issue and offer a way to enjoy and be grateful to life from hearts, which cannot be done by political leaders. In turn, artists are capable to promote what political leaders do. Sometimes, politicians only can make their expression and theme more impressive with the help of works of artists like a certain photo or portrait so that they could gain more votes. Thus, under such circumstance, artists’ works could sometimes stimulate and promote the contributions of political leaders to the society.

Artists and political leaders contribute to our society in different ways and they can complete even promote each other. Therefore, it is an exaggeration to claim that political leaders contribute more to society than artists since they are equally important.

havenothingon 发表于 2017-4-16 08:39:46 | 显示全部楼层
文中并没有完全体现 equally important。 分论点展开中并没有细化, 其实你可以说leaders support us more convinient material life. while artists meet our mental needs.
They are people who...这种有点啰嗦了,正要用,不如用强调句。
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yz1024 发表于 2018-3-16 05:49:55 | 显示全部楼层
【修改】
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Political leaders contribute more to the society than artists.

(缺少attention grabber,一般每篇文章开头最好有hooks and attention grabbers。可以去google一下怎么写attention grabbers and hooks。一般托福里面用最简单的hook——疑问句)
These days, political leaders and artists have influence(语法错) on people’s lives in different ways, but some people believe that political leaders are much more important than artists because their job is more related to people’s daily lives.(background introduction不够多,可以多写点,而且这个introduction一看就是模板出来的,难道这个话题相关的真的想不出其他的东西了吗?) Even some people claim that political leaders contribute more to society than artists. This, however, is an exaggeration in my perspective. Actually, they are equally important to a society, plus, they even complete and promote each other.(文章的thesis statement应该是连成一句话的Concession+Topic+Comment的格式,放在第一段段尾。这里thesis statement写的很不清晰。先说topic,我理解你想要critical thinking,但是托福独立写作里其实critical thinking没有很要求,在这里看我会觉得文章的topic很不清晰。再一个是没有comment——so what?为什么你的topic是对的?)

(连接词,每段段首都要有过渡词)Political leaders do play an important role in thriving our society. (每段首句应当是该段中心句,也应该是topic+comment模式。这里的中心句没有comment,你在中心句就该点明这一段的主要观点和主要理由)Political leaders have the capacity to make our life much better by making new laws, pass bills and setting good policies. They are people who can start an evolution in order to improve living condition so that all their citizens live in a suitable life. Thanks to their contributions on investing more budget on technology industrial, modern technology devises such as cell phones and computers are easily available for people nowadays than ever before. Due to political leaders’ efforts on solving social problems, most people now do not suffer from starving and unemployment. Without political leaders, such things will never happen. Besides, political leaders can also thrive art by supporting artists. Since art, in some extent, can stand for the soft power of a country and many artists’ work may not be paid immediately, funds from government is crucial for art and artists. With political leaders’ assistance and funding, artists would have enough money to create more works and do contributions to society, the art will be prospers as well. (你给了例子,说了information,却没有explanation——你的information怎么去support你的point了??读者不知道)
再说前一段和这一段的例子,这两个例子都是非常宽泛的。而且段落的信息非常没有中心——一会说艺术家,一会说政治领袖。你的例子最好是一些非常详细的例子,比如说下一段你说艺术家让生活更美好,那可不可以有个例子?比如说梵高的作品,给世人带来了怎样的审美享受,让我们的生活多了一分乐趣巴拉巴拉。

Although political leaders make a lot of contributions to the society, we still need artists because they make our life more beautiful. Without artists and their works, we would have no concert to listen, no exhibition to attend, no music to enjoy as well. That will lead our life become boring and dull, also there will be nothing beauty to appreciate. We have to admit that artists indeed do a great contributions(语法错) that they provide us with a special angle to have a look to nature or a certain society issue and offer a way to enjoy and be grateful to life from hearts, which cannot be done by political leaders. In turn, artists are capable to promote what political leaders do. Sometimes, politicians only can make their expression and theme more impressive with the help of works of artists like a certain photo or portrait so that they could gain more votes. Thus, under such circumstance, artists’ works could sometimes stimulate and promote the contributions of political leaders to the society.(同上,缺explanation)
(应该再有一段,两段是不够的)
Artists and political leaders contribute to our society in different ways and they can complete even promote each other. Therefore, it is an exaggeration to claim that political leaders contribute more to society than artists since they are equally important.(结尾太短,应该是:总结前文内容(用一种新的方式),回顾过去,展望未来,回归thesis statement)
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