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[PS/CV] PS求建议,转mis的

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auffica 发表于 6 天前 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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求各位给意见啊,觉得自己写的好乱,没条理啊,却又想把自己每一面都展示一下,拜托给意见啊,谢谢大家
. 涓浜-涓夊垎-鍦帮紝鐙鍙戝竷

“Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” -Steve Jobs.         .鐣欏璁哄潧-涓浜-涓夊垎鍦
Before college, I was confused about my future career. At the time of the college entrance examination, I wanted to study architecture, but due to the interference of my parents, I chose the business specialty which was relatively popular. I was eventually admitted to the Administration Management. By SOPhomore year, I also minored in Civil Engineering. Experienced a few years of bumps, I really realized that I should take the initiative in making decisions for my own life.
        Actually, I take great interest in both computer and business. The computer courses taught during freshmen year let me have a preliminary understanding of the computer science. I also learnt the programming of Vision FoxPro which stimulated my interest in learning computer programming. Subsequently I passed the National Computer Rank Examination on office, and self-studied C language. And most importantly, I was hired by Atos as a project assistant this July and especially in charge of P project which is SAP operation and maintenance. This internship experience let me deeply realized the importance of IT in the enterprises, and also see the potential for future development of information technology.
        I am currently studying Public Administration, one of the branches of Administrative Management. It is a study on the techniques and methods of management of public affairs and public organizations based on the core of the government administrative organizations. Knowledge of these government management, let me understand the nature and management mechanism of many countries. I think that I will also need to use these knowledge and learning methods in graduate study. Besides core courses, I also did some business studies, such as, western economics and regulation economics, and had excellent performance in these courses.
        In addition to the traditional lecture courses, I also participated in a number of research topics. One of the most interesting projects is the incentive scheme of Red Star Macalline Group Corporation Ltd (one of the most famous furniture chain stores in China). Based on two-factor theory and expectation theory, we made an investigation to their sales department, and designed a set of corresponding incentive scheme. First of all, we sent out questionnaires to the sales staffs. After collected back the questionnaires, we made an overall analysis. According to the incentive factors, we finally design several different concrete proposals. The whole process was full of innovation for me. Through brainstorm and research our team came up with a lot of interesting ideas, which made me aware of the power of teamwork and creativity. Additionally, I also further my knowledge on statistics and mastered the operation of SPSS.
        To expand business knowledge, I participated in the Entrepreneurship Competition for College Students. Our team chose the topic of House-for-Pension. Through the background investigation and data collection, I was responsible for the modeling of the macroeconomic analysis in cases to analyze the benefits for individual and the overall national economy, then took further elaborate on the feasibility of House-for-Pension Pattern in Liaoning Province. This experience made me learn the basic modeling skills and enriched my knowledge of economics.
        Taking into all these factors, Information Management, the inter-discipline of Computer Science and Business Studies, is the best choice for my graduate study. In my opinion, at the era of information exploration age, how to performance well in high-speed information transmission is a key point to survive in this word. In today’s China, many enterprises are also facing with the issue of information reform, which can contribute to the standardization of management and increase the degree of adaptability of enterprises to the market. Since fast and accurate information can bring profit to the enterprises, the enterprise information is an inevitable development trend. Therefore, I believe the field of Information System has great prospects for development.
        I hope I can learn systematic knowledge of information management in the future in order to lay a solid foundation. In addition to learn the necessary computer expertise, I also hope to be able to participate in some of the project research. I really appreciate the innovative and critical education concept of MIS program in your university. I strongly hope that I can experience this kind of academic atmosphere. More importantly, the opt extension programs can offer me opportunities to have some practical experience which is really attractive to me. Finally, The United States is a multicultural and inclusive country. This environment can help me to experience a different perspective and broaden my horizon.
        I have been trying to do new things, and never put myself in a limited field. In the belief that I want to learn more knowledge, I will fully focus on learning to achieve the highest efficiency. Moreover, I also have critical thinking and open minds to different ideas. If I could have the opportunity to study in your esteemed school, I think it would be a new starting point of my life.




补充内容 (2016-11-28 13:18):. 鐗涗汉浜戦泦,涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴
是申ms的,谢谢楼下提醒
Demostronger 发表于 6 天前 | 显示全部楼层
1, PS最好不要引用,尤其是开头,我记得在哪里看到过。。因为personal statement展现的是你自己的观点,而不是别人的
2,不要讲受父母的影响,显得你很没主见,PS里多写一些积极的东西
3,第三段扯你原专业的内容太多了,最好能和你要申请的专业联系起来,要么就干脆砍掉
4,倒数第三段these factors指的是什么?前面并没有明显提到吧。
5,倒数第三段可以看出楼主是在写对行业的看法,不过这样干巴巴地写不够有说服力,建议可以把这些感悟穿插在你的经历中,这样你的经历和感悟都会更饱满
6,倒数第二段的表忠心不够personal,虽然大家最后写的都比较general,但是楼主这个真是比general还general啊= =-google 1point3acres

总的建议是楼主还是再好好构思一下吧,要把文书当成艺术品来对待,以上~. 鍥磋鎴戜滑@1point 3 acres
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Watermelon 发表于 6 天前 | 显示全部楼层
发帖要带MS/PHD才能告诉别人你的PS要怎么改呀~~LS提的建议都很好~~另外,我觉得前面几段虽然是想讲你转专业的incentive,但是结构上看上去像是在罗列CV,(我上了什么课,我参加了什么项目,我学到了什么)。我觉得还是要抓逻辑线,比如某一个event让你想去尝试,然后因为你有这个incentive,你做了很多事情去学习这个领域的知识,补充背景,在这个过程中又加深了认识。
另外还有一点就是我觉得有一点啰嗦,可以精简一下。
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 楼主| auffica 发表于 6 天前 | 显示全部楼层
Demostronger 发表于 2016-11-28 00:44. 涓浜-涓夊垎-鍦帮紝鐙鍙戝竷
1, PS最好不要引用,尤其是开头,我记得在哪里看到过。。因为personal statement展现的是你自己的观点,而 ...

好耐心的回复,谢谢,我会重新改下的,方便留个微信交流么
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 楼主| auffica 发表于 6 天前 | 显示全部楼层
Watermelon 发表于 2016-11-28 09:51
发帖要带MS/PHD才能告诉别人你的PS要怎么改呀~~LS提的建议都很好~~另外,我觉得前面几段虽然是想讲你转专业 ...

我也觉得好啰嗦,谢谢建议哈,那个incentive好有用,感谢!
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boyu 发表于 6 天前 | 显示全部楼层
引用Jobs原话不是这么说的,你改的有点蹩脚~
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IM_Sybil 发表于 5 天前 | 显示全部楼层
Demostronger 发表于 2016-11-28 00:44. from: 1point3acres.com/bbs
1, PS最好不要引用,尤其是开头,我记得在哪里看到过。。因为personal statement展现的是你自己的观点,而 ...

说得真好,讲得几个点感觉都可以用来修改我的文书~谢谢哦 鏉ユ簮涓浜.涓夊垎鍦拌鍧.
记得一个有留学经验的老师跟我说:如果你的文书看起来可以被任何人写出,或者可以适用于很多program,那这个文书就不成功~
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 楼主| auffica 发表于 5 天前 | 显示全部楼层
boyu 发表于 2016-11-28 13:16
引用Jobs原话不是这么说的,你改的有点蹩脚~

额,我查的是这样啊,不过我已经打算删掉了,谢谢啦
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