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[T作文-已改] 独立:Getting advice from friends who are older than you is more valuable

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RonHe 发表于 2013-11-25 23:51:46 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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本帖最后由 RonHe 于 2013-11-26 00:25 编辑

题目:Getting advice from friends who are older than you is more valuable than getting advice from friends of your own age.


Everyone needs advice at times, and most people seek their peers for help. However, I think it is far better to receive advice from older friends than from peers, for the mistakes that older friends have made and the more experience they own.

To begin with, older friends have made mistakes, so they are capable of helping their younger friends avoid the similar ones. Thus it is usually wise to consult older friends for their opinions before making an important decision. For instance, before my last school year of college, I had to make a important decision about the plan of my summer vacation. I asked my older friend Li Lei who had attended a college. Then he said that working experience is indispensable for me and hence persuaded me to find an internship on summer vacation. Once in the past, he had traveled with his girl friend on the last summer vacation of college. Then in his last year of college, he had a hard time to find a full-time job because of the lack of hands-on experience. Therefore, his mistake reminded me to avoid making one myself.


Besides, older people often possess more real-world experience, so their advice is more valuable. If you have a friend who is older than you, there is a good chance that they have solved the problem which is similar to yours. For instance, when deciding which university to apply for, my brother asked his older friend in a university where he should study. His older friend advised him to take into consideration the total expense and hence recommended several inexpensive colleges. Thanks to his older friends’s advice, my brother finally attended a college that he could afford by doing some part-time jobs. Thus, he didn’t have to worry about having a heavy student debt in the future.


Admittedly, sometimes older friends may not totally realize your situation before giving you advice. One the one hand, they may analysis your problems based on previous social background which could lead to biased advise. On the other hand, they may neglect the specific details of your dilemmas, and thus they could not focus on the key points of your problems. Therefore, getting advice from older friends doesn’t work. Nevertheless, by communicating with your older friends and explaining your circumstances thoroughly, such negative situations can be avoided.


All in all, I think older friends end up giving better advice because they are veterans in solving problems and have more experience in making mistakes than you. Therefore, if you ever want some advice, just ask ask your older friends what to do.

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qingshan412 发表于 2013-11-26 10:17:28 | 显示全部楼层
Everyone needs advice at times, and most people seek their peers for help. However, I think it is far better to receive advice from older friends than from peers, for the mistakes that older friends have made and the more experience they own(感觉and前后的意思有互相包含的关系)是不是可以说他们更有经验,所以他们的亲身经历可以防止我们犯一样的错误,还可以从一个更成熟的角度来考虑问题。另外,可以考虑把第二句和第一句换一下位置,这样更清晰,毕竟托福是人看的,第一句做总结比较好。个人观点哈~.

To begin with, older friends have made mistakes, so they are capable of helping their younger friends avoid the similar ones. Thus it is usually wise to consult older friends for their opinions before making an important decision.(同义重复again) For instance, before my last school year of college, I had to make a important decision about the plan of my summer vacation. I asked my older friend Li Lei who had attended(是要说finished么?) a college. Then he said that working experience is indispensable for me and hence persuaded me to find an internship on(in) summer vacation. Once in the past, he had traveled with his girl friend on the last summer vacation of college. Then in his last year of college, he had a hard time to find a full-time job because of the lack of hands-on experience. Therefore, his mistake reminded me to avoid making the same one myself.


Besides, older people often possess more real-world experience, so their advice is more valuable. If you have a friend who is older than you, there is a good chance that they have solved the problem which is similar to yours. For instance, when deciding which university to apply for, my brother asked his older friend in a university where he should study. His older friend advised him to take into consideration the total expense and hence recommended several inexpensive colleges. Thanks to his older friends’s advice, my brother finally attended a college that he could afford by doing some part-time jobs. Thus, he didn’t have to worry about having a heavy student debt in the future. 我觉得段首的总起句就让我觉得跟前一段的意思差不多。。其实例子都还不错,但是第一句就让人不想看。例子的话,可以再加细节,像你哥他同学都没想到啊,你哥家其实不宽裕啊,所以年长朋友的意见帮了大忙之类的。


Admittedly, sometimes older friends may not totally realize your situation before giving you advice. One the one hand, they may analysis your problems based on previous social background which could lead to biased advise. On the other hand, they may neglect the specific details of your dilemmas, and thus they could not focus on the key points of your problems. Therefore, getting advice from older friends doesn’t work. Nevertheless, by communicating with your older friends and explaining your circumstances thoroughly, such negative situations can be avoided.感觉是GRE作文的写法。。你要证明你的观点,但是不用把缺点强调出来,可以在之前的论证中一笔带过。我觉得这样单开一段处理缺点不太好,反而放大了缺点。。个人观点哈~


All in all, I think older friends end up giving better advice because they are veterans in solving problems and have more experience in making mistakes than you. Therefore, if you ever want some advice, just ask ask your older friends what to do.感觉结尾有点单薄。。。
个人观点哈~lz加油~

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perlin 发表于 2013-11-26 10:56:34 | 显示全部楼层
题目:Getting advice from friends who are older than you is more valuable than getting advice from friends of your own age.


Everyone needs advice at times, and most people seek their peers for help(seek后面好像应该加sth., 改成seek help from their peers或者turn to their peers for help). However, I think it is far better to receive advice from older friends than from peers, for the mistakes that older friends have made and the more experience they own.peer只是表示同类人,不一定能表示是同龄人,所以要把第一段里面第一个peer改成peers of our own age.注意TOEFL作文rater是看不到我们写的独立写作题目的,阅卷的时候是很多不同题目的作文混在一起批的,如果在topic sentence里不指明是“同龄人”,后面考官读起来会感到confused

To begin with, older friends have made mistakes, so they are capable of helping their younger friends avoid the similar ones. Thus it is usually wise to consult older friends for their opinions before making an important decision. For instance, before my last school year senior year of college, I had to make an important decision about the plan of my summer vacation my summer vacation plan尽量不用of表示修饰成分,会显得略生硬. I asked my older friend Li Lei 不是Hanmeimei 嘛哈哈 who had attended a college. Then he said that working experience is indispensable for me and hence persuaded me to find an internship on summer vacation. Once in the past, he had traveled with his girl friendgirlfriend on the last summer vacation of college. Then in his last year of college, he had a hard time to find a full-time job because of the lack of hands-on 好词,学到了experience. Therefore, his mistake reminded me to avoid making one myself. 非常好的结尾句,这句很有必要:)


Besides, older people often possess more real-world experience好词, so their advice is more valuable. If you have a friend who is older than you, there is a good chance that they have solved the problem which is similar to yours. For instance, when deciding which university to apply for, my brother asked his older friend in a university where he should study. His older friend advised him to take into consideration the total expense and hence recommended several inexpensive colleges. Thanks to his older friends’s advice, my brother finally attended a college that he could afford by doing some part-time jobs. Thus, he didn’t have to worry about having a heavy student debt “债台高筑”有很多有趣的说法,比如plunge deep into debts, run up one's loans, debt-infested life等等,可以尝试一下in the future.


Admittedly, sometimes older friends may not totally realize your situation before giving offering you advice. OneOn the one hand, they may analysisanalyze your problems based on previous socialsociety background which could lead to biased advise. On the other hand, they may neglect the specific details of your dilemmas, and thus they could not focus on the key points of your problems. Therefore, 改成In this case getting advice from older friends doesn’t work. Nevertheless, by communicating with your older friends and explaining your circumstances thoroughly, such negative situations can be avoided.非常好的结尾句,这句也非常有必要:)


All in all, I think older friends end up giving better advice because they are veterans in solving problems 好词and have more experience in makingcorrecting mistakes than you. Therefore, if you ever want some advice, just ask ask your older friends what to do.

RonHe版大的这篇还蛮好的呀~牢牢抓住中心句行文,非常符合TOEFL作文规范,字数也正好。如果综写也是这个水平,Writing至少25分。
文章里面有注意paraphrase,但是这两个词older, attend出现了多次,有点重复,可以分别替换:senior/aged/elderly,get matriculated/get enrolled/be admitted等等。总之选词还可以再精妙一点。
好像表示“所以”的词(Thus Therefore hence)用得有点多,仔细感受一下可以发现有几处其实上下句之间并没有因果逻辑,你可能只是想对段落做一个总结而已。
选例也尚可,不过最好不要两个例子都是个人经历,可以尝试找找名人事例、历史故事、统计数据...来作为论据。

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 楼主| RonHe 发表于 2013-11-26 11:45:27 | 显示全部楼层

辛苦了,非常感谢!意见很到位,都是我写的时候感觉到困难的地方。我再组织组织
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 楼主| RonHe 发表于 2013-11-26 11:46:42 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 RonHe 于 2013-11-26 11:50 编辑
perlin 发表于 2013-11-26 10:56
题目:Getting advice from friends who are older than you is more valuable than getting advice from f ...

辛苦版主大人了,非常感谢!赞rater内部消息,错字细致纠正,遣词造句。像我错字这么多的考试时候是不是就没有必要冲五百六百了
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qingshan412 发表于 2013-11-26 12:07:03 | 显示全部楼层
RonHe 发表于 2013-11-26 11:45
辛苦了,非常感谢!意见很到位,都是我写的时候感觉到困难的地方。我再组织组织

我觉得麻烦的就是想细节。。因为平时很难写到这种东西。。我也很挫。。〒_〒。。就只能多想想多抠抠啥是细节。。加油!反正我不想再考了。。囧rz。。
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perlin 发表于 2013-11-26 22:42:06 | 显示全部楼层
RonHe 发表于 2013-11-26 11:46
辛苦版主大人了,非常感谢!赞rater内部消息,错字细致纠正,遣词造句。像我错字这么多的考试时 ...

客气!
写错单词且不影响理解,好像是6个以内(不计重复的)就不会扣分,这个e-rater会自动统计的;
其实字数多,说明打字熟练,反而不会有什么错字哎~
TOEFL作文如果能有500已经接近上限了

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