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[文书-求改] MSE 第一稿ps求改!!!!跪谢!!

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enzo0816 发表于 2013-11-30 21:19:56 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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Statement of Purpose
“In the realm of ideas everything depends on enthusiasm,in the real world all rests on perseverance”Each time,when I felt lost and disencouraged,I recalled the saying of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.I tried to retrieve for the enthusiasm and passion when I first decided to choose Materials Science as my major.
. from: 1point3acres.com/bbs
Born in a family of engineers,I’ve long been taught the best approach to change the living standard of human race is the knowledge and techeniques.My mom,an intelligent and strong woman,having devoted her life into career of being an electronic engineer,she found true happiness while resolving problems.I could not forget my mom transformed our home into her work place at night,making the calculations and draftings into deep night.It is my mom, who first made me realize how enthusiasm、passion and perseverance could render the maximum momentum from a person and how knowledge of techeniques would help improve the living standard of our daily life.With almost ten years of studying primary subjects,I finally found my passion and interests in materials science,an interdisciplinary subject.I chose it as my first and only choice at the university entrance exam.After the study and research in university,my resolution to become an materials science engineer is much firmer.Improving a type of materials is not only my goal,I had determined to apply theory to practice and produce new materials and new applications that meet the needs of industry and society.. 鐗涗汉浜戦泦,涓浜╀笁鍒嗗湴
.1point3acres缃
After I entered the university,while learning introductory courses,I soon realized,there were more than academic knowledge that I need to become a qualified engineer.With great passion to seek more,I joined the colledge integrative laboratory in SOPhomore.From learning the basis of experimental operation skill,to correctly operating with equipments and experimental samples,until finally,I could successfully lead a team of my own to finish the project.. Waral 鍗氬鏈夋洿澶氭枃绔,

The first project I participated,named “Preparation and Growth Mechanism of Magnesium Borate Whiskers synthesized by high temperature solid-state method”.In this project,my primary task was to prepare Magnesium Borate Whiskers sample from boric acid and magnesium hydroxide,with nickel nitrate used as a catalyst.Then,the whisker was rosted in Muffle Furnace and grounded in a cylinder mill,finally formulated into tablet.By analyzing the differential thermal-thermogravimetric analysis (DT-TGA) curves and XRD spectrum of the tabletting sample,we discovered the lattice type of Magnesium Borate Whiskers could be controlled under different sintering temperature.We also made research on whisker morphology and distribution, characterized by SEM.During the experiment,my experimental and operational ability was significantly improved by solving one and one another obstacles.I also learned the techniques of how to acquire important data from the spectrums and what does each peaks and intervals represent in the curve.. From 1point 3acres bbs

Another project I participated afterwards,entitled“The effects of PVP on CS/PVA composite nanofibers by electrospinning”.I was assigned to operate the experiment with a graduate student.We prepared nano-compound fiber through electrospinning.The structure and surface morphology of the composite nano-fiber were characterized by SEM,XRD,and IR.We discovered and tried to explain the phenomenon of the decrease in diameter of the fiber with the increasing of compound proportion of CS and the decreasing of coumpound proportion of PVA.Throughout the study,I got better understanding of electrospinning and found it an amazing topic.Being eager to learn more,I began research on related areas.
This project offered me with valuble experimental experience and practical ability,I was selected by Professor Junfeng Lee to made a team of two other students to study on the project,entitled“Research on Nano-hydroxyapatite / Polyving Akohol Composite Nano-fiber Prepared by Electrostatic Spinning”.Based on antecedent studies,we discovered that the research on HA/PVA composite nano-fiber was not available,though HA/PVA Hydrogel and some other type of the composite system had been applied.We decided to embark upon this area and finally proved the feasibility of preparing HA/PVA composite nano-fiber by electrostatic spinning.In the project,we also optimized the structure and surface morphology of the composite nano-fiber through changing the parameters,such as the ration of HA/PVA, electrostatic voltage and collection distance.In this project,my responsibility focused on data processing using software such as OPUS,JADE,ChemDraw ,and learning how to master the inspection test,mostly IR and XRD.After the project,Imay independently lead a team to finish project in the curriculm design,and operated XRD,IR by myself.

I’ve long got the memo in mind that the only source for knowledge is experiment.I hope to purchase and fulfill my desire for becoming a materials science engineer.After carefully looked up the website of your department,I found the projects really fascinating and suitable for me.I believed the best approach for me is to pursue a graduate degree in your university.Equiped with one of the most advanced laboratories and most excellent faculty.I believe I would get the things and techniques that I’ve always wanted to acquire and explore further.. 1point 3acres 璁哄潧
yls0327 发表于 2013-12-2 23:25:38 | 显示全部楼层
不要用缩写
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 楼主| enzo0816 发表于 2013-12-2 23:28:17 | 显示全部楼层
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yls0327 发表于 2013-12-2 23:31:55 | 显示全部楼层
因为我不是MSE的所以不是很懂
但是一眼看过去感觉某些大写出现的次数太多了
试着用别的替换~
缩写的话第一次写全 比如Computer Science (CS)之后用CS代替. 1point 3acres 璁哄潧
I've这种都换成I have
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 楼主| enzo0816 发表于 2013-12-3 00:02:44 | 显示全部楼层
yls0327 发表于 2013-12-2 23:31
因为我不是MSE的所以不是很懂
但是一眼看过去感觉某些大写出现的次数太多了. 1point3acres.com/bbs
试着用别的替换~

嗯好~一般还有什么其他需要注意的格式需要修改?多谢~!
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yls0327 发表于 2013-12-3 10:47:09 | 显示全部楼层
enzo0816 发表于 2013-12-3 00:02
嗯好~一般还有什么其他需要注意的格式需要修改?多谢~!

格式的话因为你直接贴过来的所以看不出。。
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nunuh89 发表于 2013-12-7 04:42:02 | 显示全部楼层
好多中式英语. 1point 3acres 璁哄潧
读起来很伤
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nunuh89 发表于 2013-12-7 05:47:06 | 显示全部楼层
Statement of Purpose
“In the realm of ideas everything depends on enthusiasm,(lz你这个逗号是中文的!)in the real world all rests on perseverance”Each time,when I felt lost and disencouraged,I recalled the saying of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.I tried to retrieve for the enthusiasm and passion(这么感觉你好像对它特没passion 只是苦逼地走上了这条道路) when I first(哦。给我感觉好想你后面转专业了才用first。有的时候可能中文想表达的是我一开始就选择了MSE,其实里面的逻辑是出于对MSE的兴趣,我毫不犹豫地选择了它作为温度major) decided to choose Materials Science as my major.(我知道你想表达的是 恢复当初选择mse的激情 之类的意思;但是英语中这样很奇怪,尽量这样写:虽然有的时候很艰难,但是你的梦想(可以具体一点,让MSE给人类带来好处什么的)激励你去克服它 探索更多)

Born in a family of engineers,I’ve long been taught the best approach to change the living standard of human race is the knowledge and techeniques.(只是和技术不是方法,apply他们才是方法)My mom,an intelligent and strong woman,having devoted her life into career of being an electronic engineer,(你这句句子有2个主语 mom 和she 要么你把having改成have 后面加分号或者句号 要么把后面的当成形容写到mom里面去)she found true happiness while resolving(solving) problems.I could not(cannot) forget my mom transformed our home into her work place at night(transform不太好 感觉是改变了你们房子的形状 和大量的装修 应该是类似添置了一些器材 然后再家里也可办公的意思吧),making the calculations and draftings into deep night(这句话的意思是把计算和草稿做成了一个叫做deep night的东西,英语中没有deep night,你想表达的应该是类似late night或者midnight的意思 calculation是做的do conduct implement等 也可以直接用它的动词calculate;draft是画的,draft本身也是它的动词;所以大概是做什么什么till midnight).It(This) is my mom, who first made me realize how enthusiasm、(英语中没有顿号,用逗号表示)passion and perseverance could render the maximum(maximize) momentum from(奇怪的表达) a person(句子不平衡) and how knowledge of techeniques would help improve(Improving) the living standard of our daily life(lives).With almost ten years of studying primary subjects(建议换成类似探索的词),I finally found my passion and interests in materials science,an interdisciplinary subject(这个插入显得突兀).I chose it as my first and only choice(真的美国人不会明白only choice的 对他们来说转专业 易如反掌 而且刚进去很多都没有具体专业其实我觉得体现出你的激情就好了 最好是举几个例子 比如某种新型材料有哪方面的潜力 可以做那些事情 然后你的excited之类 不需要only choice) at the university entrance exam.After the study and research in university(同学们要记住你在哪个大学什么的介词是at 系是in),my resolution to become an materials science engineer is(又是一个不平衡的句子) much firmer.Improving a type of materials(a type of 有点怪 不懂想表达什么) is not only my goal,(又是一个句子2个主语)I had determined to apply theory to practice and produce new materials and new applications that meet the needs of industry and society.(好像是不仅要改进现有材料的properties 也要制造新材料的意思 那把a type of 改成 existing)

After I entered the university,while learning introductory courses,I soon realized,(为什么有个逗号)there were more than academic knowledge(s) that I need to become a qualified engineer.(额。。。那还有什么呢,这个就像win 8卖萌说正在处理一些事情一样“你倒是说啊你在处理什么?”;要成为一个合格的工程师,我发现还有更多的除了知识之外的东西,“是什么东西你倒是说啊”;或者你可以表达成仅仅是现有的知识已经满足不了我了,我希望可以探索更多或者把他们真正地应用起来之类(根据你后面一句我觉得应该更加像是这个意思))With great passion to seek more,I joined the colledge(打错了) integrative laboratory in sophomore.From learning the basis of experimental operation skill,(不需要逗号)to correctly operating with equipments and experimental samples,until finally,I could successfully lead a team of my own(我知道你要表达的是我自己的队伍的意思,其实我自己的队伍就是我是队伍的leader的意思,所以没有必要再写个of my own,这么写我倒反而觉得你的队员像你的财产一样 又或者 你想写on my own写成了of但是明显和前面lead不符合) to finish the project(可以用finish但是感觉不是太好 最好可以带一些色彩 让别人觉得你出色地完成了任务).(这个句子也不平衡 from ...to...什么的太长)
. from: 1point3acres.com/bbs
The first project I participated(in),(is)named “Preparation and Growth Mechanism of Magnesium Borate Whiskers synthesized by high temperature solid-state method”.In this project,my primary task was to prepare Magnesium Borate Whiskers sample from boric acid and magnesium hydroxide,with nickel nitrate used as a catalyst(and use ... as ...).Then,the whisker was rosted in Muffle Furnace and grounded in a cylinder mill,finally formulated into tablet.By analyzing the differential thermal-thermogravimetric analysis (DT-TGA) curves and XRD spectrum of the tabletting sample,we discovered the lattice type of Magnesium Borate Whiskers could(can) be controlled under different sintering temperature.We also made research(researched 哦 是中文 做研究? 直接写成英文的话有种你们学术造假 杜撰了一个研究的感觉) on whisker morphology and distribution, characterized by SEM.During the experiment,my experimental and operational ability was significantly improved by solving one and one another(中文 一个又一个 英文我感觉你就解决了2个问题 分别是一个和另外一个问题 你可以这样写by solving obstacles one after another;其实problem是用来solve的 obstacle应该是用来克服了 用solve不太恰当) obstacles.I also learned the techniques of how(删掉) to acquire important data from the spectrums and what does each peaks and intervals represent in the curve(在句子中的问句的 用what xx represents就可以了).

Another project I participated (in)afterwards(删掉), (is)entitled“The effects of PVP on CS/PVA composite nanofibers by electrospinning”.I was assigned to operate the experiment (partnered)with a graduate student(单用with感觉是你用一个研究生去做实验).We prepared nano-compound fiber through electrospinning.The structure and surface morphology of the composite nano-fiber were characterized by SEM,XRD,and IR(这些都是什么 写出来).We discovered and tried to explain the phenomenon of the decrease in diameter of the fiber with the increasing of compound proportion of CS and the decreasing of coumpound proportion of PVA(try to explaint删掉吧 具体是这么解释的呢 后面可以写出来).Throughout the study,I got better understanding of electrospinning(比如呢) and found it an amazing topic.Being eager to learn more,I began research on related areas.
This project offered me with valuble experimental experience(s) and practical ability,(一句句子2个主语)I was selected by Professor Junfeng Lee to made(所以你造出了一个team 是土做的嚒 用form吧 或者用类似合作之类的词) a team of two other students to study on the project,entitled“Research on Nano-hydroxyapatite / Polyving Akohol Composite Nano-fiber Prepared by Electrostatic Spinning”.Based on antecedent studies,we discovered that the research on HA/PVA composite nano-fiber was not available(not available?不懂 research永远是可以做的 无非就是做不出结果 做出来没用),though HA/PVA Hydrogel and some other type of the composite system had been applied.We decided to embark upon this area and finally proved the feasibility of preparing HA/PVA composite nano-fiber by electrostatic spinning.In the project,we also optimized the structure and surface morphology of the composite nano-fiber through changing the parameters,such as the ration of HA/PVA, electrostatic voltage and collection distance.In this project,(删掉)my responsibility focused on data processing using software such as OPUS,JADE,ChemDraw ,and learning how to master the inspection test,mostly IR and XRD.After the project,(表意重复 independently 又 by meself 其实你是没用老师advise的意思吧)Imay independently lead a team to finish project in the curriculm design,and operated XRD,IR by myself.. 1point 3acres 璁哄潧

I’ve long got the memo in mind that the only source for knowledge is experiment.I hope to purchase(购买?pursue?) and fulfill my desire for becoming a (qualified或者加点形容词吧)materials science engineer.After carefully looked up the website of your department,I found the projects (少了个are啊)really fascinating and suitable for(to) me.I believed(干嘛用过去式,现在不相信了么 用一般现在时) the best approach(pursue graduate degree算是一种方法么 勉强可以 觉得应该是这样可以帮助你实现自己的梦想更好) for me is to pursue a graduate degree in(at) your university.Equiped with one of the most advanced laboratories and most excellent faculty.(,而且后面的主语应该是equiped的主语 不认就是你有一个最好的lab和faculty的意思)I believe I would get the things and techniques that I’ve always wanted to acquire and explore further.

英语句法,打好一个标点符号要打一个空格,你通篇一个都没有=。=||||;中文里面则不需要。. 涓浜-涓夊垎-鍦帮紝鐙鍙戝竷



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 楼主| enzo0816 发表于 2013-12-10 10:14:12 | 显示全部楼层

真的太感谢啦 好详细~请问这篇幅还用再删减一下比较好吗?
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 楼主| enzo0816 发表于 2013-12-10 10:33:15 | 显示全部楼层

“We also made research(researched 哦 是中文 做研究? 直接写成英文的话有种你们学术造假 杜撰了一个研究的感觉) on whisker morphology and distribution,”
这个是啥意思啊?是说made resesarch这个用法不当嘛 那如果表述研究了xxx要怎么说比较合适
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nunuh89 发表于 2013-12-10 12:07:10 | 显示全部楼层
enzo0816 发表于 2013-12-9 18:33
“We also made research(researched 哦 是中文 做研究? 直接写成英文的话有种你们学术造假 杜撰了一个研 ...

research本身就是个动词  researched就可以
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nunuh89 发表于 2013-12-10 12:07:36 | 显示全部楼层
enzo0816 发表于 2013-12-9 18:14
真的太感谢啦 好详细~请问这篇幅还用再删减一下比较好吗?

是有点长
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David.wx 发表于 2013-12-10 12:42:49 | 显示全部楼层
没写future plan, educational goal之类的啊,SOP应该多写一些这些东西吧
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