题目：In order to become financially responsibleadults, children should manage their own money at the young age.|
The issue of how to guide children to become financially responsible adults has drawn the public attention for a long while. 这个开头句个人不建议，因为太万能了，什么话题都可以套上去，有用模板的嫌疑，事实上也没有哪个国家的公众会把这个问题当作热点话题来讨论，因而不能说has drawn the public attention 更不会是for a long while。Some people believe that to enhance children's responsibility in finance, parents should allow them to arrange their money by themselves at an early age without supervising. From my perspective, although it brings a few benefits, I don't agree with this statement.
Admittedly, by managing their own money, Not only can kids have a basic understanding of money concept删, but they also can learn about how to rationally spend them on higher priority stuffs好像stuff本身已经是复数意味，不加s rather than those which has 单复数和前面的those不一致，而且最好改成are of little usefulness. Take my cousin’s little son 最好告诉考官小朋友叫什么名字for example. Before having money under his own control, he always was was always trying to ask his mother to buy anything what删 he saw and or liked disregarding its price, which might be a few dozen or hundreds of dollars of cost. This is was，这个句子后面还有几个动词全部都要改成过去式 because he was lack of radical knowledge of money so that it seems to him that there is no difference between one dollar and one hundred dollars. Another reason is that he thought the money is infinite. If needed这句话有歧义，What is needed? 是上一句中的"he"还是"money"?指代不明的情况下不要用省略句，改成Whenever pocket money is needed, he just asked parent for it. Yet, after permitted to be in charge of his pocket money with one dollar coming in every day at the age of ten, he began to save money on food expense and 【to prioritize the things what he thought to be necessary to buy at the same time. Once the money is sufficient, he was going to purchase the most priority prior stuff.】---同学你有没有发现这两句话语义（包括用词）是重复的？ Apparently, by managing his pocket money, he became financially responsible. However, most of the time, it’s not the case in reality.
For one thing, children often blow their money without parent’s supervising supervision. At school , when a vainglorious little girl sees some classmate playing with a Barbie doll that she never had时态不一致, she would purchase the same one with her cumulative monies积攒的钱不是这样讲的，叫pocket money/spare money或者再生硬一点extra money都可，还有，为什么money要复数啊。。。。。。. A little boy, who is a crazy comic fan, would put all the saved money on the latest comic books that he has been following after as he is wandering in a bookstore. Furthermore, most of teenagers with monies under their own control, because of lack of self-discipline, could be more likely to spend all of them on candies or other sweet foods, which can decay their teeth.后面这两个例子举得很好很有画面感！
For another, there are better ways for youngsters to enhance their financial responsibility. Parents can be the excellent role models. Watching a frugal mom comparing prices in grocery stores, a kid would learn how to lead a more economical life. Similarly, a dad, who uses coupons and knows bargain tricks can show his child possible ways of saving money as well. In addition, children could also learn financial knowledge by attending such courses which is held by school. An Investment and Financing course could teach children how to make their money become value-added in future through some investment approaches.这一段写得极好！无意冒犯，但是和前面真的是同一个人写的么...
All in all , despite a few merits, keeping money by children brings about more potential harmsharm用词有点重了，concerns/worries吧. The children’s financial responsibility can be fostered by other means undoubtedly.
如果考场上是这篇作文拿来评分的话，Raw score 4分以下（满分5）