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[文书-求改] MSE master ps求改 谢谢~

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wongtw 发表于 2013-12-10 18:29:21 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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已经找人润色过了,想请大家看看内容结构方面还需要哪些调整~

The evolution of technology has played a determining role in thehistory of humankind. From the invention of metal tools in the prehistoric erato the design of semiconductors in present-day computers, technologicalinnovations dramatically affect the way we live. I would like to contribute tothe development of new technologies as a materials engineer and would considerit an honour to be given the opportunity to study at________ in order to worktowards this goal.
      
I am currently pursuing a Bachelor of Material Science at the XXX, a university of international repute. My threeyears of studies have yielded an in-depth understanding of materials scienceand engineering on both the theoretical and practical levels. My GPA attests tomy overall proficiencies in critical thinking and analysis. Furthermore, I havelearned to synthesize, characterize and test many different kinds of materials with precision and rigor.
My course in ___________ignited my passion for scientific research,inspiring me to continue my studies in materials engineering. Under my owninitiative and with the guidance of the course tutor, I synthesized thePGA-CMCTS hydrogel, whose purpose is to rapidly staunch blood flow from a woundby absorbing the water in the blood. My experiments identified the optimalcomponents of PGA and CMCTS in maximizing the hydrogel's absorbency. Thisproject was an exciting opportunity to apply the theoretical knowledge I hadacquired in my polymer chemistry class to solve tangible problems. Not only didI gain experiential skills in scientific research, but I also felt a real senseof accomplishment in finding that my work as an engineer could serve to improvetechnologies for the betterment of humankind.
In order to gain more research experience, I am currently working as anassistantto associate professor Chen Yu in his project, "The Applicationof 6-OH cyclodextrin-immobilized chitosan derivative on the electrochemical H2O2 biosensor". This project is of vitalimportance because food safety issues are becoming an increasingly severeproblem in China.One contributing factor may be the presence of residual hydrogen peroxide infoods as a result of processing. The aim of our project is to employimmobilized enzymes to break down residual H2O2 into radicals and to let them activate thefluorescent probe so that the signal can be detected by fluorescencespectrophotometer. In the first phase of the research, I was responsible fordetermining the optimal condition of the immobilized enzymes.With the help of amaster's student, I learned to use a fluorescence spectrophotometer, andconducted the experiment successfully. Inspired by my positive results, Iattempted to independently use carboxymethyl-chitosan to include the enzymes, agoal which took two months of experimentation to realize. My major problem wasthat the results of fluorescencewere different each time I performed theexperiment, even when all the variables remained the same. My efforts toprevent artificial errors and to resynthesize the reagent proved to befruitless. These multiple failures were frustrating, but I persevered in myattempts. Finally, I read an article which revealed that rhodamine B turns into lactoneconfiguration and loses its fluorescenceactivity when included by cyclodextrin. Thiswas the cause of my erratic results. Words cannot express the satisfaction Ifelt when I finally found the solution to my problem! While the project helpedme to perfect my practical skills in conducting experiments, even moreimportantly, it taught me to persist in the face of the unexpected obstaclesinherent in scientific research.
My internship at Shenma Engineering PlasticCompany played an important role in my decision to pursue my Master's Degree inthe USA. During my internship, I discovered that although the company is thelargest producer of nylon in Asia, its nylonproduction technology is American. In addition, it imports the raw materialmalononitrile from an American company to produce the nylon. This discovery mademe very keen to study in a country that boasts such SOPhisticated manufacturingtechnology, not to mention cutting-edge scientific research. Another compellingreason that I want to study in the United Statesis that scientists and researchers from all over the world choose Americaas a place to work. Meeting and collaborating with such a diverse group wouldgive me a chance to share in ideas that emanate from all over the world, andyet find their fruition in America.Compared to the fairly conservative approach I am used to in China, theresearch possibilities (and the facilities that house them) in the UnitedStates seem to have limitless potential.
Oil shortages, exhaust pollution, and global warming are becomingincreasingly severe international issues. As scientists, we are at a turningpoint, and it is up to us to lead the way forward with research into the fieldof clean energy. One potential avenue for combating our present global problemsis the development of ecological energy sources such as solar cells and batteries.In the course of a master's program, I would like to study and gather theskills needed to conduct further research in the clean energy field--not onlybecause I find this work fascinating, but also because I regard it as anessential discipline as we move forward into the next century.  
I believe that the highly research-oriented and talented facultymembers in Materials Science and Engineering at___________,along with its sophisticated research facilities, will develop my potential asa materials engineer. Enrollment in your Master's Program would be a first stepin my contributions to the evolution of technologies beneficial for both humansand the Earth.


补充内容 (2013-12-10 18:41):
下面隔开了,没想到都粘一起了
 楼主| wongtw 发表于 2013-12-10 18:41:12 | 显示全部楼层
The evolution of technology has played a determining role in thehistory of humankind. From the invention of metal tools in the prehistoric erato the design of semiconductors in present-day computers, technologicalinnovations dramatically affect the way we live. I would like to contribute tothe development of new technologies as a materials engineer and would considerit an honour to be given the opportunity to study at________ in order to worktowards this goal.


      
I am currently pursuing a Bachelor of Material Science at the BeijingInstitute of Technology (BIT), a university of international repute. My threeyears of studies have yielded an in-depth understanding of materials scienceand engineering on both the theoretical and practical levels. My GPA attests tomy overall proficiencies in critical thinking and analysis. Furthermore, I havelearned to synthesize, characterize and test many different kinds of materials with precision and rigor.

. more info on 1point3acres.com
My course in ___________ignited my passion for scientific research,inspiring me to continue my studies in materials engineering. Under my owninitiative and with the guidance of the course tutor, I synthesized thePGA-CMCTS hydrogel, whose purpose is to rapidly staunch blood flow from a woundby absorbing the water in the blood. My experiments identified the optimalcomponents of PGA and CMCTS in maximizing the hydrogel's absorbency. Thisproject was an exciting opportunity to apply the theoretical knowledge I hadacquired in my polymer chemistry class to solve tangible problems. Not only didI gain experiential skills in scientific research, but I also felt a real senseof accomplishment in finding that my work as an engineer could serve to improvetechnologies for the betterment of humankind.


In order to gain more research experience, I am currently working as anassistantto associate professor Chen Yu in his project, "The Applicationof 6-OH cyclodextrin-immobilized chitosan derivative on the electrochemical H2O2 biosensor". This project is of vitalimportance because food safety issues are becoming an increasingly severeproblem in China.One contributing factor may be the presence of residual hydrogen peroxide infoods as a result of processing. The aim of our project is to employimmobilized enzymes to break down residual H2O2 into radicals and to let them activate thefluorescent probe so that the signal can be detected by fluorescencespectrophotometer. In the first phase of the research, I was responsible fordetermining the optimal condition of the immobilized enzymes.With the help of amaster's student, I learned to use a fluorescence spectrophotometer, andconducted the experiment successfully. Inspired by my positive results, Iattempted to independently use carboxymethyl-chitosan to include the enzymes, agoal which took two months of experimentation to realize. My major problem wasthat the results of fluorescencewere different each time I performed theexperiment, even when all the variables remained the same. My efforts toprevent artificial errors and to resynthesize the reagent proved to befruitless. These multiple failures were frustrating, but I persevered in myattempts. Finally, I read an article which revealed that rhodamine B turns into lactoneconfiguration and loses its fluorescenceactivity when included by cyclodextrin. Thiswas the cause of my erratic results. Words cannot express the satisfaction Ifelt when I finally found the solution to my problem! While the project helpedme to perfect my practical skills in conducting experiments, even moreimportantly, it taught me to persist in the face of the unexpected obstaclesinherent in scientific research.


My internship at Shenma Engineering PlasticCompany played an important role in my decision to pursue my Master's Degree inthe USA. During my internship, I discovered that although the company is thelargest producer of nylon in Asia, its nylonproduction technology is American. In addition, it imports the raw materialmalononitrile from an American company to produce the nylon. This discovery mademe very keen to study in a country that boasts such sophisticated manufacturingtechnology, not to mention cutting-edge scientific research. Another compellingreason that I want to study in the United Statesis that scientists and researchers from all over the world choose Americaas a place to work. Meeting and collaborating with such a diverse group wouldgive me a chance to share in ideas that emanate from all over the world, andyet find their fruition in America.Compared to the fairly conservative approach I am used to in China, theresearch possibilities (and the facilities that house them) in the UnitedStates seem to have limitless potential.


Oil shortages, exhaust pollution, and global warming are becomingincreasingly severe international issues. As scientists, we are at a turningpoint, and it is up to us to lead the way forward with research into the fieldof clean energy. One potential avenue for combating our present global problemsis the development of ecological energy sources such as solar cells and batteries.In the course of a master's program, I would like to study and gather theskills needed to conduct further research in the clean energy field--not onlybecause I find this work fascinating, but also because I regard it as anessential discipline as we move forward into the next century.  

. from: 1point3acres.com/bbs
I believe that the highly research-oriented and talented facultymembers in Materials Science and Engineering at___________,along with its sophisticated research facilities, will develop my potential asa materials engineer. Enrollment in your Master's Program would be a first stepin my contributions to the evolution of technologies beneficial for both humansand the Earth.
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yinhangyt 发表于 2013-12-10 19:03:33 | 显示全部楼层
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 楼主| wongtw 发表于 2013-12-10 19:08:02 | 显示全部楼层
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yinhangyt 发表于 2013-12-10 19:10:53 | 显示全部楼层
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nunuh89 发表于 2013-12-11 08:08:07 | 显示全部楼层
The evolution of technology has played a determining role in thehistory of humankind. From the invention of metal tools in the prehistoric erato the design of semiconductors in present-day(换modern吧) computers, technologicalinnovations dramatically affect the way we live.(有点不平衡 建议缩短from to里面的内容) I would like to contribute tothe development of new technologies as a materials engineer and would considerit an honour to be given the opportunity to study at________ in order to worktowards this goal.

.鏈枃鍘熷垱鑷1point3acres璁哄潧
. 鍥磋鎴戜滑@1point 3 acres
I am currently pursuing a Bachelor of Material Science at the BeijingInstitute of Technology (BIT), a university of international repute.(额 建议不要用这种形式夸自己的学校) My threeyears of studies have yielded an in-depth understanding of materials scienceand engineering on both the theoretical and practical levels. My GPA attests tomy overall proficiencies in critical thinking and analysis. Furthermore, I havelearned to synthesize, characterize and test(ed) many different kinds of(不用kinds of 太粗暴了这个词 具体这么不同写出来) materials with precision and rigor.



My course in ___________ignited my passion for scientific research,inspiring me to continue my studies in materials engineering. Under my owninitiative and with the guidance of the course tutor(with my innovation and guided by...), I synthesized thePGA-CMCTS hydrogel, whose purpose is to(which can) rapidly staunch blood flow from a woundby absorbing the water in the blood. My experiments identified the optimalcomponents of PGA and CMCTS in maximizing the hydrogel's absorbency. Thisproject was an exciting opportunity to apply the theoretical knowledge I hadacquired in my polymer chemistry class to solve tangible problems. Not only didI gain experiential skills in scientific research, but I also felt a real senseof accomplishment in finding that my work as an engineer could serve to improvetechnologies for the betterment of humankind.



In order to gain more research experience,(to explore more about ....) I am currently working as anassistantto(with) associate(删掉 是professor 就写professor) professor Chen Yu in his project, "The Applicationof 6-OH cyclodextrin-immobilized chitosan derivative on the electrochemical H2O2 biosensor". This project is of vitalimportance because food safety issues are becoming an increasingly severeproblem in China.One contributing factor may be the presence of residual hydrogen peroxide infoods as a result of processing. The aim of our project is to employimmobilized enzymes to break down residual H2O2 into radicals and to let them activate thefluorescent probe so that the signal can be detected by fluorescencespectrophotometer. In the first phase of the research, I was responsible fordetermining the optimal condition of the immobilized enzymes.With the help of amaster's student, I learned to use a fluorescence spectrophotometer andconducted the experiment successfully. Inspired by my positive(删掉) results, Iattempted to independently(删掉) use carboxymethyl-chitosan to include the enzymes, agoal删掉 which took two months of experimentation to realize. My(The) major problem wasthat the results of fluorescencewere different each time I performed theexperiment, even when all the variables remained the same. My efforts toprevent artificial errors and to resynthesize the reagent proved to befruitless. These multiple failures were frustrating, but I persevered in myattempts(I was persistent in researching this ....). Finally, I read an article which revealed that rhodamine B turns into lactoneconfiguration and loses its fluorescenceactivity when included by cyclodextrin. Thiswas the删 cause(s) my erratic results. Words cannot express the satisfaction Ifelt when I finally found the solution to my(the) problem! The project helpedme to perfect my practical skills in conducting experiments, moreimportantly, it taught me to persist when facing an unexpected obstacle inherent in scientific research.
. From 1point 3acres bbs


My internship at Shenma Engineering PlasticCompany played an important role in my decision to pursue my Master's Degree inthe USA. During my internship, I discovered that although the company is thelargest producer of nylon in Asia, its nylonproduction technology is American(应该说的他的核心技术是在美国被研发的 is researched and developed in US 最好给这个技术加点好的形容词). In addition, it imports the raw materialmalononitrile from an American company to produce the nylon. This discovery mademe very keen to study in a country that boasts such sophisticated manufacturingtechnology, not to mention cutting-edge scientific research. Another compellingreason that I want to study in the United Statesis that scientists and researchers from all over the world choose Americaas a place to work.(这里可以夸学校 不要夸美国了) Meeting and collaborating with such a diverse group wouldgive me a chance to share in ideas that emanate from all over the world, andyet find their fruition in America.Compared to the fairly conservative approach I am used to in China, theresearch possibilities (and the facilities that house them) in the UnitedStates seem to have limitless potential.



Oil shortages, exhaust pollution, and global warming are becomingincreasingly severe international issues. As scientists, we are at a turningpoint, and it is up to us to lead the way forward with research into the fieldof clean energy. One potential avenue for combating our present global problemsis the development of ecological energy sources such as solar cells and batteries.In the course of a master's program, I would like to study and gather theskills needed to conduct further research in the clean energy field(不是further research。research有什么好做的  是为人类的福祉服务)--not onlybecause I find this work fascinating, but also because I regard it as anessential discipline as we move forward into the next century.  



I believe that the highly research-oriented and talented facultymembers in Materials Science and Engineering at___________,along with its sophisticated research facilities, will develop my potential asa materials engineer. Enrollment in your Master's Program would be a first stepin my contributions to the evolution of technologies beneficial for both humansand the Earth.

总体写的还可以
你做research不是为了做继续做research  而是为了让research转变成生产力 改善人类生存什么的
你实习那段夸美国有点厉害了,后面夸学校有点少了。 后面写的自己感兴趣的方向不知道有没有和学校还有老师的方向结合起来

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 楼主| wongtw 发表于 2013-12-11 16:46:53 | 显示全部楼层
nunuh89 发表于 2013-12-11 08:08
The evolution of technology has played a determining role in thehistory of humankind. From the inven ...

谢谢修改,我大致懂了应该是why school 这边还是不够,应该再加些东西
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