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[T作文-已改] 求批改! by 晓宇

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jklps 发表于 2014-1-12 17:17:33 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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本帖最后由 perlin 于 2014-1-12 23:51 编辑

   Do you agree or disagree :your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.
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   Job means many things to a man. People spend most of their life on jobs. But I don’t think you can say that one’s job has more effect on his happiness than his social life. And I will tell you why.
    First of all, job does not equal to interest. A mathematician can be good at calculating and ratiocination but his true interest may be basketball or cooking. He is just a genius in math without any love for math. He picked up this job in order to satisfy his mother or earn enough money for a house. So we can see that specializing and loving are absolutely two different things. When a man does a job that he hates, can he be happy?
    Also, in my view, it is because people want to gain the qualification to socialize that they work hard despite they do not like their jobs. For example, if I fall in love with some girl who was born in a rich family, but I am very poor, I will work hard to make enough money so that I get the qualification of approaching her. I am not saying that poor people can not marry rich people. But the fact tells us that it is difficult. Another example is that supposed all people in the world hate teachers, can a teacher still be proud of what he is doing and tell everybody he knows that he is a teacher? You make yourself gorgeous in order to attract others, and obviously that’s why you are happy. In other words, your job serves your social life. Your happiness is counting on your social life.
    In the end, I have to say that most of us want to gain without pain. We eagerly look forward to money falling from sky. But everyone likes social life. Human being is social animal. Everything you do is coming from a desire that you want to obtain people’s approval. That is the true source of your happiness and you know it.
    To sum up, job is important and some people may really love their jobs. These people can have a wonderful life with enormous happiness from work. But essentially people gain happiness from social life. If there is only one person in the world, I do not think he can still love his job, because he does it happily just in specific social environment.
共401字

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JustForR 发表于 2014-1-12 17:20:36 | 显示全部楼层
哈哈哈哈标题好有趣
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perlin 发表于 2014-1-13 00:52:31 | 显示全部楼层
   Do you agree or disagree :your job has more effect on your happiness than your social life does.这道题目机经里待了很久了都没有考掉啊...
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   Job means many things to a manman是可以表示“人”,但是最好改成person不然有sexism之嫌. People spend most of their life on jobs. But I don’t think you can say that one’s job has more effect on his happiness than his social life. And I will tell you why.很直白的开头,好。但是and but之类的连词是用来连接两个分句的,绝对不能放在句首
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    First of all, job doesis not equal to interest. A mathematician can be good at calculating and ratiocination but his true interest may be basketball or cooking. He is just a genius in math without any love for math. He picked up this job in order to satisfy his mother "满足老妈"?这个有点没说清楚了,改成"obey/comply with parents' wishes" or earn enough money for a house.Chinglish,改成“earn sufficient income/salary to cover his house mortgage” So we can see that specializing and loving profession and hobby are absolutely two different things. When a man does is engaged in a job that he hates, can he be happy?这里最好加一句“Obviously not.”托福作文要求话说到底
    Also, in my view, it is because people want to gain the qualification to socialize that they work hard despite they do not like their jobs. For example, if I fall in love with some girl who was born in a rich family, but I am very poor, I will work hard to make enough money so that I get the qualification of approaching her. I am not saying that poor people can not marry rich people. But 同样的问题the fact 不要加the, 因为没有特指哪个fact, 定冠词慎用,然后最好改成reality tells us that it is difficult. Another example is that supposed all people in the world hate teachers, can a teacher still be proud of what he is doing and tell everybody he knows that he is a teacher? You make yourself 加seem to be gorgeous in order to attract others, and obviously that’s why you are happy. In other words, your job serves your social life. Your happiness is counting on your social life.这个老师的例子本来是很有一个思辨性的例子,不过个人感觉和social life关系不密切,因为all people in the world和everybody好像不在你的社交圈内,你的social life应该是你的亲友同事之类的人。


    仔细想想你举的例子是不是有点抽象。注意TOEFL作文里面的“美国人都是傻子”原则("All Americans are idiots" principle(No offense to the USA citizens)),因为美国人的思维是直线型的,不需要你像中国人一样做推导论述。
    只需要举些简单的例子就可以,比方说“我有个数分老师叫Andy. 他在一次office hour的时候跟我吐槽,我教书超认真,但是不开心,学生家长都没有称赞我教得好,倒是在和其他老师学者一道聚餐的联谊会、酒会上,我和同行们聊得超high,这使我非常高兴。”
    这个老师显然不存在,整个例子显然也是为了命题而编造的,并且Andy个人的例子也不足以证明命题,但是TOEFL作文评分官喜欢看到的就是类似于这样逻辑简单、完全针对论点的例子。
    In the end, I have to say that most of us want to gain without pain. We eagerly look forward to money falling from sky.Chinglish, 天上掉馅饼的英文表达是pies in the sky But everyone likes social life. Human beings is are social animals. Everything you do is coming from a desire that you want to obtain people’s approval. That is the true source of your happiness and you know it.
    To sum up, job is important and some people may really love their jobs. These people can have a wonderful life with enormous happiness from work. But essentially people gain happiness from social life. If there is only one person in the world, I do not think he can still love his job, because he does it happily just in specific social environment.结尾是亮点!
共401字字数刚好,时间充裕的话可以再长点。


1. 注意paraphrase,文章里面出现了好几次job, 可以同义替换,profession/occupation/vocation/work/errands
2. 文句表达有些地方不够地道,如果有背过GRE单词建议放适量的高难词进去,文章的用词还是偏简单的。不过语法拼写都没有严重错误,文章读起来很流畅
3. 文章的思辨性已经足够了,严密的论证至多给你加分1分,着重在语言和分论点的设置上比较好。
4. 如果写作目标27+分的话,我会建议从反面论证"job对于happiness不重要"的篇幅缩减到2句话,而对于“social life对于happiness很重要”分成3个分论点来论述,即把你原文的第3段扩充成三段,并且删掉你原文的第4段。现在这篇raw score在4分左右

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