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[T作文-已改] 求批改,by xiaoyu

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jklps 发表于 2014-1-14 16:05:07 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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本帖最后由 perlin 于 2014-1-14 21:19 编辑

do you agree or disagree : in 20 years, people will lead a more leisurely life
________________________________________________________________      
Leisure means you can spend as much time as you want on staff you like in good mood. If you ask me whether people can get leisure in the future, I will suggest you to compare now and 20 years ago. Then you will be convinced with my answer—no.
First and foremost, the impact of science and technology on people’s life become more and more immense. With new techniques, people can obtain a great deal of convenience and handle things quicker than before. Obviously speediness is not equal to leisure. For example, imagine you are a businessman. You can take a two-hour flight to Beijing from Shanghai and having a quick meeting then spend another two hours to go back to Shanghai. One day is all you need to finish a mission that you have to waste three days or more in the past. However, what will you do with reminder two days? Do something you love or accompany with your family? No, you will go on with your business day after day and hardly take a break. Can you call this kind of life leisure? I don’t think so.
Also, in the future, there will be more things that can satisfy you just by themselves. These staff seems to be good but they steal happy moments we want to spend with our friends. Let’s take mobile phone for example. Nowadays, our phone can do almost everything with enormous convenience—mailing, shopping, even reserving. It seems that we can save a lot of time and be more vacant, but the fact is that our desire increase with it. As a result, we can see a sad scene that a bunch of friends are in the same room but playing with their own phones. They are busy with replying e-mails or check out how many people have visit their personal homepages. Little by little, mobile phone take all spare time in your life just like encroaching on you. So you may have less leisure in 20 years.
In the end, let us look back at people’s life 20 years ago. Most of them do not have a mobile phone and they go traveling by slow train. Were they less comfortable or vacant? Oppositely, I think they lived a more leisure life than now. They were not afraid of forgetting reply a note or missing a flight. Of course they may spend more time but they have enough time and nobody will blame them if their train ran two days from Shanghai to Beijing. That can be defined as leisure in my view.
All in all, people with well- developed technology may not lead a leisure life because of their increasing desire in the future. But if you have a heart with peace and optimism, you can live with leisure now and forever.

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perlin 发表于 2014-1-14 21:15:01 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 perlin 于 2014-1-14 21:18 编辑

do you agree or disagree : in 20 years, people will lead a more leisurely life
________________________________________________________________
Leisure means you can spend as much time as you want on staff you like in good mood. If you ask me whether people can get a leisurely life in the future, I will suggest you to compare now and 20 years ago. Then you will be convinced with my answer—no.开头有亮点
First and foremost, the impact最好换成effection,impact好像表示“不好的影响”比较多 of science and technology on people’s life become more and more increasingly immense好词. With new techniques, people can obtain a great deal of 这个词语只能修饰可数名词复数convenience and handle things quicker than before. Obviously speediness is not equal to leisure. For example, imagine you are a businessman. You can take a two-hour flight to Beijing from Shanghai and having a quick brief meeting then spend another two hours to go back to Shanghai. One day is all you need to finish a mission that you have to waste three days or more in the past. However, what will you do with reminder the remaining two days? Do something you love or accompany with your family? No, you will go on with your business day after day and hardly take a break. Can you call this kind of life leisure? I don’t think so.极好的例子!!很能引起共鸣!
Also, in the future, there will be more things that can satisfy you just by themselves. These staff seems to be good but they steal happy moments we want to spend with our friends. Let’s take mobile phone for example. Nowadays, our phone can do almost everything 这里说的略不严谨,可以改成can conveniently do almost everything that a computer can accomplish with enormous convenience—mailing, shopping, even reserving. It seems that we can save a lot of time and be more vacant好词, but the fact is that our desire increase with it. As a result, we can see a sad sad言重了,改成disappointing scene that a bunch of 好词friends aregather in the same room but playing with their own phones. They are busy with replying e-mails or check out how many people have visit their personal homepages. Little by little, mobile phone take all spare time in your life just like encroaching on you. So you may have less leisure in 20 years.又是一个极好的例子!
In the end, let us look back at people’s life 20 years ago. Most of them do not have a mobile phone and they go traveling by slow train. Were they less comfortable or vacant? Oppositely, I think they lived a more leisure life than now. They were not afraid of forgetting reply a note or missing a flight. Of course they may spend more time but they have enough time and nobody will blame them if their train ran two days from Shanghai to Beijing. That can be defined as leisure in my view.
All in all, people with well- developed technology may not lead a leisure life because of their increasing desire in the future. But if you have a heart with peace and optimism, you can live with leisure now and forever.

这篇感觉有蛮多进步,整体读起来是蛮爽的。raw score肯定在4分之上。
但是对于文章的论点,提出两个隐忧,但愿评分官不要作出以下两点吹毛求疵的评判——

1. 开头段就提到这个逻辑“既然20年前的人不比现在更leisurely,那么20年后的人也不会比现在更leisurely”。学过GRE AW的人可能都知道这句话是建立在一个premise之上的,就是"the comparison between current life and life 20 years ago can generate the same conclusion as the comparison between life 20 years later and current life."实际上这个premise其实本身就不一定成立。

2. 实际上全篇证明的是【因为科技会更发达,所以人们的生活不会更安逸】,而没有在证明【人们生活不会更安逸】这个论点。
如果换做我,我会这样设置分论点——分论点1:科技变发达并不能使人们生活更安逸,反而更繁忙;分论点2:人的生活安逸与否与年代可能并没有必然关系,而在于选择人生或者性格因素;分论点3:人们对于生活安逸的定义,可能会在未来发生变化,50年前富人们觉得不需要每天坐Benz去参加社交季的晚宴就是leisurely life,50年后富人们觉得不需要每天坐火箭去火星参加最新一季Prada T台秀就是leisurely life.
也就是说,LZ的行文只证明了待证论点的某一个分论点。当然,评分官有可能不这么认为。

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