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[T作文-已改] 小女子表示不会改作文...求狠批文章内容、结构、词汇

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凝香夜雪 发表于 2014-1-31 00:45:22 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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Question:
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences,career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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It's seems natural that people attend college or university as if it is a must-go path in everyone's life. Yet, in fact, seldom do people seriously consider why they have to or need to receive an undergraduate education. Here I have some ideas on this issue.

Firstly, college or university education qualifies one for the job market. Contrarily, people who have not receive college or university education may not be well qualified in majority of the jobs in nowadays job market. They are not well-specialized or well-trained in a specific area, which alleviates their competence in the competition among those jobs that require highly specialized abilities. Indeed, there exist certain jobs that don't required much specialized knowledge, and people can easily take up their work. However, when they meet the promotion, it is very likely that they are out of the list of the highly-recommended to-be-promoted staff list, that is, at the same workload level, the people with higher education level, is more competitive to be promoted.

Besides qualification which is equipped by college or university, there is spiritual fulfillment that college or university brings to people. That is, confidence. College or university education brings people confidence in themselves, not only on the ability, but more of their self-recognition . During one's general four years' education, students have enough opportunities to learn about everything that interests them. For instance, an undergraduate like me, have taken courses so various that I have never imagined before, these courses expand my horizon and help me discover many exciting aspects of the world. Through learning and mastering these courses, I gradually find what interests me most, and what's more, I gradually find the true part of my self. I get to realize who I am, what I want to be in the future. And this recognition is something I believe will never be acquired from any other experiences. Then I gain confidence above this recognition to seek my own future, and my career.

Above all these, most importantly for us is that we get some lifetime connections in the college or university that take important parts in our future. Our alumni, our former schoolmates, etc. are possibly our current colleague, work with us in the same field. So, if we have any problems, we may have someone at hand to ask for help. Instead of fighting alone, people who have broad connections are more likely to feel easier in the workplace and thus success is closer. There is one golden saying goes like this, if you want to go faster, fight alone, yet, if you want to go further, fight together. I firmly believe that connections are one of most important thing that college or university brings us, and are the very one we should cherish most as well.

Facts to be told that attending college or university is not necessary. But considering at least all three I mentioned above, college or university experience is something you are worth trying and going through. In fact,as far as I'm concerned, hardly do people regret their decision to attend college or university. The unique charms of college or university experience will continue to imprint on people's hearts from generations to generations. I believe so.

538 words
 楼主| 凝香夜雪 发表于 2014-1-31 00:48:18 | 显示全部楼层
感觉自己作文一直以来存在的问题是用词低级,写作缺乏句式上和词汇上的变化...背过的高级词汇没有使用意识,也不会自然使用
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小柯西 发表于 2014-1-31 02:56:56 | 显示全部楼层
写托福作文高级词汇不是问题。。初略看了你头两段,最大的问题在于用词不当和表述太啰嗦。。
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readman 发表于 2014-1-31 11:18:45 | 显示全部楼层
而且 错别字很多 如: have not receive  => have not recevied
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immortaliqi 发表于 2014-1-31 12:59:24 | 显示全部楼层
好多不认识的词....  托福的话 把内容说清楚 是最重要的吧  举例  排比 每段一个就够了

论证过程有点拖沓啊感觉   我一般是这么:

上大学才能有资格找工作-> 上大学能学各种知识 -> 我学cs 学coding -> 因为找工作需要coding -> 所以上大学能找到工作

每段话5-6句话就够了吧....
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 楼主| 凝香夜雪 发表于 2014-1-31 13:22:17 | 显示全部楼层

谢谢建议,确实觉得自己这样写未必说清楚了什么
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starsrest 发表于 2014-1-31 14:14:50 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 starsrest 于 2014-1-31 14:18 编辑

多看高分范文的句子。像我这种特别懒的从小都不喜欢背课文,所以练作文的时候都是抄范文,边抄边分析句子好在哪。另外看看高频题材的范文,学习一些素材。
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