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[T作文-已改] [独立] 4.12机经作文一篇

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ECEPE 发表于 2014-4-5 23:29:23 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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题目: Rather than help their children do school work, parents should encourage their children do work independently. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays there’s a heated debate revolving the question whether parents should help their children do school work. From my perspective, the first choice for parents is that they should stimulate their children do work by their own instead of offering direct help.
Admittedly, giving a warm hand to children when they have difficulty finishing the school work is reasonable. There’s no doubt that one of parents’ responsibility is to help children grow and release pressure from problems. What’s more, I think that every parent would help children do school work when children cannot figure out the answer or they have to stay up late. Parents are the most trustworthy and perpetual shield for their little children. Helping children do homework seems to be taken for granted. However, under different situations, it depends.
In the first place, according to the golden education theory, independence plays a fundamental role in teaching and cultivating children. Just take examples in a retrospective way. We all know that when we are in childhood, parents always utilize every opportunity to help us build a strong will and independent skill so that we can handle something important when parents are absent. So is the homework. Not only can encouraging children do homework independently enhances their ability to solve problems and consolidate their knowledge, making the steady basis of knowledge mansion, but also it would surely develop children’s own idea, a kind of wisdom not to ask others for help unless the quandary is extremely difficult to solve.
To substantiate the view point which I have stated above, I would like to discuss the bad sides caused by doting help. If parents open their aid door from the start to the end, I suppose that children would rely on them gradually, leading to failure in study at last. I still remember my friend Jack in primary school. He always asked his father, who owned a bachelor degree on math, to examine his every answer to the math homework. His father spoiled so much help and love on him that gradually he lost the chance to foster the ability to find error in calculations. As a result he failed in the math exam for the doting help from his father. Sometimes the process of asking for help would overshadow certain potential errors which can only be found by children alone.
In a nutshell, when taking complex factors into consideration, I contend that parents should appropriately help their children and in most times, they should make the most use of encouragement to cheer children up, moving forward alone and flying in the sky of knowledge. After all, some pleasure can only be experienced by children themselves.

之前几篇在句酷网上改过,不知道靠不靠谱。。
perlin 发表于 2014-4-6 21:21:09 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 perlin 于 2014-4-6 21:30 编辑

题目: Rather than help their children do school work, parents should encourage their children do work independently. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays there’s a heated debate revolvinginvolving第一句话写错词给考官印象可能会很不好 the question whether parents should help their children do school work. From my perspective, the first choice for parents is that they should stimulate their children to do homework by their own instead of offering direct help.开头有用心写,但是第一句话真的有用模板的嫌疑,我看到太多人用这种句式开头了:“最近社会上/人们就一个XXXXXXX问题展开了热烈的讨论”,尽量不要用模板句。
Admittedly, giving a warm hand to children when they have difficulty finishing the school work is reasonable. There’s no doubt that one of parents’ responsibilities is to help children grow and release pressure from problems.Chinglish的表达 What’s more, I think that every parent would help children do school work when children cannot figure out the answer or they have to stay up late. Parents are the most trustworthy and perpetual shieldChinglish的表达 for their little children. Helping children do homework seems to be taken for granted. However, under different situations, it depends.
In the first place, according to the golden education theory, independence plays a fundamental role in teaching and cultivating children. Just take examples in a retrospective way. We all know that when we are in childhood, parents always utilize every opportunity to help us build a strong will and independent skill so that we can handle something important when parents are absent. So is the homework.这句话有语法问题,So is句型只能替换前一句的主语,你可以自己感受下,如果这里用了so is,那就相当于把homework代入了上一句中的主语"We",意思就变得非常奇怪。 Not only can encouraging children do homework independently enhances their ability to solve problems and consolidate their knowledge, making the steady basis of knowledge mansionChinglish的表达, but also it would surely develop children’s own ideaidea 怎么develop?动名搭配有问题, a kind of wisdom not to ask others for help unless the quandary is extremely difficult to solve.

你的语法和用词非常地过硬,但是长句太多。。看得略累,美国人写文章的规律是长短句结合的,你可以看看CNN的新闻通稿,一句话很少有超过30个单词的。
还有,你的思维还是蛮中国的(类似于“家长们总是想赶紧培养小孩的能力,万一以后父母不再身边了也好有个傍身的技术”之类的中国父母思维),但是这样的思维很难引起美国评卷老师的共鸣,可能会有评分官觉得很confused“为什么小孩子要independent skill 才能handle something important?”
最后,你的说理部分太多,实例完全没有,TOEFL作文不需要太多说理,但是举出实例非常重要,“ability to solve problems是什么problems?”"consolidate their knowledge, making the steady basis of knowledge mansion是些什么knowledge?"“something important又是啥?”这些问题都没有说清楚,IQ偏低的美国人根本读不懂。

To substantiate the view point which I have stated above, I would like to discuss the bad sides caused by doting help. If parents open their aid door from the start to the end, I suppose that children would rely on them gradually, leading to failure in study at last. I still remember my friend Jack in primary school. He always asked his father, who owned a bachelor degree on math, to examine his every answer to the math homework. His father spoiled so much help and love on him that gradually he lost the chance to foster the ability to find error in calculations. As a result he failed in the math exam for the doting help from his father. Sometimes the process of asking for help would overshadow certain potential errors which can only be found by children alone.
In a nutshell, when taking complex factors into consideration, I contend that parents should appropriately help their children and in most times, they should make the most use of encouragement to cheer children up, moving forward alone and flying in the sky of knowledge. After all, some pleasure can only be experienced by children themselves.

LZ的文章措辞很用心,不敢确定LZ的这篇文章会判为几分,但一定不是典型的TOEFL作文结构,LZ是不是有考过GRE AW?事实上,TOEFL作文考官倾向于总分总的简单结构,总起段给出一个观点,再给出2~3个分论点和分论据,最后结尾总结。不需要任何转折让步,不需要任何分类讨论,绝对不要倒叙插叙。

给LZ一个建议,仔细揣摩TOEFL OG上的5分、4分范文,感受下TOEFL的举例方法、风格、行文结构,用什么文章修改网站/软件不是重点。


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 楼主| ECEPE 发表于 2014-4-6 22:42:30 | 显示全部楼层

谢谢版主。我之前考过两次g,作文功底一般般,都是3.5,写托福时也情不自禁了。建议很中肯,我会去瞅瞅的。接下来准备练练总分总的结构。不过,之前issue的abb框架要舍弃吗?我习惯这个攻击顺序了,好写然后容易递进或并列说明。还有就是有时候想炫一炫词汇,然后又跳到中式英语的坑里了。。我身边好多同学也是。。
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 楼主| ECEPE 发表于 2014-4-6 22:54:12 | 显示全部楼层
perlin 发表于 2014-4-6 21:21
题目: Rather than help their children do school work, parents should encourage their children do wo ...

今天早上刚看了一篇ets的6分范文。http://www.sharewithu.com/thread-619178-1-1.html
感觉结构并列很乱,分述点没有联系。是不是只要把理由讲通了就可以,不用去管里面的逻辑?
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perlin 发表于 2014-4-6 22:56:08 | 显示全部楼层
ECEPE 发表于 2014-4-6 22:42
谢谢版主。我之前考过两次g,作文功底一般般,都是3.5,写托福时也情不自禁了。建议很中肯,我会去瞅瞅的。 ...

真的不用攻击递进转折让步,issue的思路确实需要暂时丢掉。
托福作文绝对不会因为你的逻辑严密性不足而扣分,相反,语言的用法地道与否非常重要
只要首先给出一个论题“我觉得让小孩独立完成作业比较好”,
然后给出3个理由“我觉得像吃饭睡觉叠被子一样,做作业也是小孩子自己的事情,不需要家长代劳”“我觉得小孩需要做到的是认真听课,老师讲的都学下去了的话,不需要家长教”“我觉得家长有时候教得不到位,家长自己学历不够,教小孩做作业反而会教坏”3个理由各自举出一个非常具体的实例,就可以了。
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perlin 发表于 2014-4-6 23:03:55 | 显示全部楼层
ECEPE 发表于 2014-4-6 22:54
今天早上刚看了一篇ets的6分范文。http://www.sharewithu.com/thread-619178-1-1.html
感觉结构并列很乱 ...

你说对了,就是给一个分论点,给一个和分论点紧密相关的具体例子就已经算是证明命题了,不需要严密论证。AW能战3.5的人TOEFL作文没问题的,只是一个观念转换的问题
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 楼主| ECEPE 发表于 2014-4-6 23:06:05 | 显示全部楼层
perlin 发表于 2014-4-6 23:03
你说对了,就是给一个分论点,给一个和分论点紧密相关的具体例子就已经算是证明命题了,不需要严密论证。 ...

谢谢!接下来几天会好好揣摩下的~
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