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[T作文-已改] 独立作文第一发求狠批

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gynirvana 发表于 2014-4-9 21:21:34 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: The car (automobile) has had a greater effect on society than the airplane.

计时写的时候觉得没思路,写的特别少。。。这是后来又添的。。。觉得自己弱爆了TT
求思路点拨及语言润色

With the development of technology, automobiles and airplanes have become two major transportation methods in modern society. When it comes to the effect that the two means have, someone hold that the car had a greater effect than the airplane. And I am on the same side with this idea.

Initially, I have to concede that, to some extent, airplanes had influenced our life a lot. On one hand, the introduction of airplanes made it possible for people to travel for long distance in much shorter time. Passengers can travel across the Pacific Ocean by plane without enduring seasickness for months. On the other hand, more international travel by airplanes lead to globalization, which is the most important feature of the world today. People have more communication in both economical and cultural field, leading to rapid development of economy as well as broader cultural view.

Nevertheless, because of the high price and difficulties to take care, airplanes are not as available as the car. Obviously, not everyone can afford to take an airplane to travel around and someone tend to take subways instead, but almost everyone can afford to take buses or taxis. Besides, compared to airplanes, learning to drive a car is much more easier. Thus, more and more people have private cars nowadays and can drive to almost anywhere at any time. As the most accessible modern transportation means, cars bringing us the daily convenience have no doubt the greatest effect on our life.

In addition, the car requires fewer conditions than planes thus can work under many circumstances where the planes cannot make it. For airplanes, proper wind direction, temperature and light conditions are all required as well as prepared lanes. By contrast, the cars are less strict with the environment conditions. In many mountainous areas without plains to land the airplanes, the only way to reach there is by cross-country cars. Also, We can drive cars on rainy or foggy days though circumspections are needed, when there are no chances for the airplanes to take off. Furthermore, the functions of cars are highly diversified. The cars can be effortlessly designed for numerous uses such as buses, trucks, construction cars and so on. Wider use of cars provides evidence for the greater influence of cars.

In a nutshell, since cars are more available than airplanes, they have greater influence on our life than planes do. Moreover, as cars can fit in different situations better, they are certainly more influential than the airplanes, which can be used under strict conditions and in limited ways.

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perlin 发表于 2014-4-10 17:36:01 | 显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 perlin 于 2014-4-10 17:39 编辑

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: The car (automobile) has had a greater effect on society than the airplane.

计时写的时候觉得没思路,写的特别少。。。这是后来又添的。。。觉得自己弱爆了TT  确实要计时练习:)
求思路点拨及语言润色

With the development of technology, 相信我,一定有很多中国考生都是用这句话开头的,最好换一个。automobiles and airplanes have become two major transportation methods in modern society. When it comes to the effect that the two means have, someone holds that the car had a greater effect than the airplane. And I am on the same side with this idea.

Initially, I have to concede that, to some extent, airplanes had influenced our life a lot. On one hand, the introduction of airplanes made it possible for people to travel for long distance in much shorter time. Passengers can travel across the Pacific Ocean by plane without enduring seasickness for months. 好句子On the other hand, more international travel byairplanes airplane lead to 导致这个词用得有点过,改:accelerate,加速 globalization, which is the most important feature of the world today. People have more communication in both economical and cultural field, leading to rapid development of economy as well as broader cultural view.

Nevertheless, because of the high price and difficulties to take care 改:difficulties of maintenance, airplanes are not as available as the car cars. Obviously, not everyone can afford to take an airplane to travel around and someone tends to take subways instead, but almost everyone can afford to take buses or taxis. Besides, compared to airplanes, learning to drive a car is much more easier. Thus, more and more people have private cars nowadays and can drive to almost anywhere at any time. As the most accessible modern transportation means, cars bringing us the the去掉 daily convenience have no doubt the greatest effect on our life. 这句话里面主语用了一个ing短语作定语修饰,这种用法在美式英语里面很少用,因为读起来累。

In addition, the car requires fewer conditions than planes 加and thus can work under many circumstances where the planes cannot make it. For airplanes, proper wind direction, temperature and light conditions are all required as well as prepared lanes. ByIn contrast, the cars are less strict with the environment conditions. In many mountainous areas without plains to land the airplanes, the only way to reach there is by cross-country cars. Also, Wewe can drive cars on rainy or foggy days though circumspections are needed, when there are no chances for the airplanes to take off. Furthermore, the functions of cars are highly diversified. The cars can be effortlessly designed for numerous uses such as buses, trucks, construction cars and so on. Wider use of cars provides evidence for the greater influence of cars.

In a nutshell, since cars are more available than airplanes, they have greater influence on our life than planes do. Moreover, as cars can fit in different situations better, they are certainly more influential than the airplanes, which can be used under strict conditions and in limited ways.

文章还蛮好的,论证topic sentence给的理由很好很充分,都是正确的TOEFL作文思路,发散性思维相当好!小毛病有几处需要改一下。
表达还是有些不妥帖,可以再往native speaker的表达习惯上去靠。因此,需要提醒的是,你在作文里面虽然用了一些难词(比如circumspection),但是这个并不足以帮助你在词汇这一项上拿高分,因为你其他句子里面用词还是偏简单的,显示出vocabulary不算小但不足以支持你整篇文章都用难词。

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 楼主| gynirvana 发表于 2014-4-10 17:45:55 | 显示全部楼层

谢谢版主!!计时的时候总感觉时间不够用,用词基本上是想起什么写什么来不及选==
版主的意思是,偶尔蹦出的这些难词应该避免来保持整体风格么?
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perlin 发表于 2014-4-10 17:49:08 | 显示全部楼层
gynirvana 发表于 2014-4-10 17:45
谢谢版主!!计时的时候总感觉时间不够用,用词基本上是想起什么写什么来不及选==
版主的意思是,偶尔蹦 ...

"计时的时候总感觉时间不够用,用词基本上是想起什么写什么来不及选" 说明平时阅读量可以再加大,推荐CNN的新闻通稿,用词非常精到。

不是的,能用上难词就用,只要用得得体。但是,如果文章大部分语言不是很过硬,几个难词不会wake the dead
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 楼主| gynirvana 发表于 2014-4-10 17:53:35 | 显示全部楼层
perlin 发表于 2014-4-10 17:49
"计时的时候总感觉时间不够用,用词基本上是想起什么写什么来不及选" 说明平时阅读量可以再加大,推荐CNN ...

哦哦。。谢谢~~
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