16Fall EE申MS PS求批改

背景见此帖http://www.1point3acres.com/bbs/thread-144009-1-1.html
本科没什么科研 research都比较水
PS已经自己删改过 目前680字
PS中提到的UIUC是我随意找了个学校写的 针对不同学校还是要改的

Personal Statement
Being a top student major in electrical engineering, I would like to pursue further study in your Master’s Program in order to obtain a deeper understanding of the field as well as gain some research experience. Such studies will enable me to be an outstanding engineer constructing stronger and cleaner grid in China.
My interest in electrical engineering was gradually raised from the year when I was in high school. I was the representative of physics lesson in my class and my interest in physics is largely attributed to my enthusiasm for circuits and electromagnetism. Succinctness of Ohm’s Law fascinates me a lot and I can even imagine currents flowing in a circuit when using it. Moreover, after I learned the Lorentz force which explains the movement of a charged particle in motion, I was excited that I grasped the working principle of CRT, the core of old-fashioned television. So my passion finally leads me to study electrical engineering after graduating from high school.
During my study in XXX University, probably the best university in XXX, I have excellent performance in courses. I have done well in Calculus, Linear algebra, Electromagnetic Field and Circuit Theories which are fundamental courses in electrical engineering. I have also got high scores in major courses like Electric Machine, Power System Analysis Theory and Automation Control Theory. These courses lay a solid foundation for me and enable me to do further study more smoothly in the field.
I have adequate self-learning ability and I am very persistent to my work. My research in wind power integration was done in my first year in XXX when I had only taken some fundamental courses so I did not even know the meaning of many professional terms. I struggled with them by online search, referring to encyclopedias and asking professors. After massive reading and repeated searches, I finally got familiar with those terms and read papers more smoothly. My experience in XXX University proves my self-learning ability and persistence as well. I took a course called Introduction to Data Science and its slides were easy. Homework, however, was far more difficult which could not be done only with the help of the slides. I spent plenty of time searching on Google and looking through all kinds of web pages that teaches R and provides solutions to certain requirements. Often it costed me the whole afternoon and evening to finish it and I just worked on it without stop. Finally, I completed my homework in very good quality.
Electrical Engineering is a new-born subject with only more than a hundred years of age so there are many problems to be solved. Burning fossil fuel is a major way to generate electricity which leaves massive pollution. As people begin to realize the importance of environmental protection, using clean energy to generate electricity becomes a popular topic. Clean energy like wind power and solar power has an immanent problem which is irregularity. With irregular power source, how to keep power system providing stable and high-quality electricity becomes a heated issue. I have strong interest in this field hoping that I can find a way to integrate as much as clean energy into power system as well as to maintain the stability of the grid.
Master’s Program in UIUC is an excellent choice for me to pursue further study. Students are given the freedom to choose courses and research areas they like. All the courses provided by ECE department are elective with only thesis to be compulsive which enable me to conduct my own study plan. Open Lab at ECE department is a great place for me to do projects as well.
I would like to return to my motherland after graduation. China is a developing country which consuming more and more energy every year. With a large quantity of clean energy source, the China is now encouraging to integrate electricity generated by clean energy into grid. The condition here is very conducive for me to realize me aspiration to construct stronger and cleaner grid in China after graduation.

帮你顶一下，延时摄影我也喜欢。。但不会弄，哈哈

内容上我也不了解怎么写最好，但是觉得语言选词上还是有很大提高空间的。。比如hiqh quality比 very good 好一些吧。。还有手误的 my aspiration。。
希望大神来帮你改~

讲真 这是你自己写的吗？感觉略chinglish啊  光I开头的句子就不少。。。而且简单句好多啊

建议找个机构帮你润色一下会好很多 本来ps分量在申ms 就不是特别重。。。如果满篇chinglish 老外肯定更看不下去了

ouanka 发表于 2015-10-24 23:16
讲真 这是你自己写的吗？感觉略chinglish啊  光I开头的句子就不少。。。而且简单句好多啊

建议找个机构 ...

是自己写的 好的吧 我去找机构帮忙改改 0 0

chenyutong 发表于 2015-10-24 22:29
帮你顶一下，延时摄影我也喜欢。。但不会弄，哈哈

内容上我也不了解怎么写最好，但是觉得语言选词上还是 ...

多谢支持啊 英语水平一般

没有人帮忙看看吗

把文书直接贴到网上，后来给学校发过去会被认为是抄袭吗…毕竟用谷歌百度什么的搜得到？

jiguang 发表于 2015-10-26 15:32
. 把文书直接贴到网上，后来给学校发过去会被认为是抄袭吗…毕竟用谷歌百度什么的搜得到？

不会吧至少还会改改

暮默 发表于 2015-10-26 17:27
不会吧至少还会改改

我也不太清楚，但是网上搜得到好多文书，传播了之后感觉也不好…