写作的展开问题

7月14号考的托福，发现ets给我的反馈是development有问题。我不知道我写的是否有问题，我知道：因果展开可以背景+原因+结果。但是现在我不清楚这个展开可以不，题目和文章都在下文。希望地里的朋友能给一点意见，**走的一路超辛苦..........
题目
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
All university students should be required to take history courses no matter what their field of study is.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
作文
It is widely acknowledged that universities pay much attention to students’ quality of history. Based on my observation, some students who are major in certain disciplines is opposed this policy, since they reckon they are not require knowledge of history to achieve success in their fields. However, in my opinion, the policy that every student should take some history course is advisable, since this measure could play a conductive function for every student’s life.
First and foremost, this policy is beneficial to boost students’ life quality. As job markets are becoming more and more gloomy and competitions are becoming increasingly fierce, it is growing difficulties for undergraduate students to find a suitable and decent job. However, if a person has abundant knowledge about history, he/she is more likely to be considered as a competent and well-educated man by his/her employer. Apparently, there are more chances for him/her to get a high welfare work, which means this person could earn more money. For himself/herself, in order to reduce stress and broaden his/her horizon, he/she could spend money on travel abroad. For children,  he/she could afford to the expensive tuition so as to give children an advanced education. For parents, since they are prone to get some diseases, he/she could provide better health care for them. Consequently, this person’s life quality would be much improved. For example, Tom, one of my classmates, who has rich historical knowledge had received many offers from many companies. Without doubt, he has a well-paid job, since his boss appreciates to his historical knowledge. As a result, his family often go to abroad to take some vocations, his children are studying in a famous high school and his parents have good health care. His life is a good picture.
Additionally, this measure is conductive to promote relationships with families. It is generally acknowledged that children and their parents have the generation gap, since their differences on thinking ways and ages. Nevertheless,  people are capable of having a deeper communication with their parents, supposing that they have plentiful historical knowledge. This is because historical events are capable of bringing some common topic to you and your parents, which means you and your parents would share each other’s ideas about certain things. As a result, you know what are your parents care about, and your parents are aware of what are you thinking. Life and history are replete with such example, I and my parents hardly have any words with each other, since they had done something deeply hurt me. But, on an occasional scene, we were talking about Washington. Naturally, we respectively manifest each other’s perspective. And then, we came to talk about the option about each other. Finally, I realized that what they had done is benefit to me,  so I forgave them and express my apology to them. Eventually, the relationships between me and my parents are very harmonious.
It is true that students have to pay extra time so as to taking history course, which means their burdens will be harder. However, if those students properly arrange their time, the problem above will be perfectly solved. From what has been discussed, I draw a conclusion that it is advisable that every student is required to take some history courses, owing to its improvements of life and promotion of relationships with families.

我之前也是作文20多点，最近考的2次作文也才27，也是挣扎了蛮久的，我就说下我的看法好了。
（1）感觉作文里有些表达比较奇怪，语法和表达需要自己平时多练，例如I and my parents, 一般都把I 放在后面，写成my parents and I. 还有这句you know what are your parents care about，语法问题，陈述句里不应该用疑问句的句式，直接说you know what your parents care about. 而且就算用疑问句句式，也应该是what are your parents caring about? 这些语法问题主要自己平时多改多注意吧。
（2）不要滥用一些单词，注意同义替换，感觉文章里太多的since了，because， because of，according to， the main reason is等都可以套着用吧。而且称谓也在变化，文章大部分地方是his/her和they，第二段中突然出现了you，尽量保持人称的一致性，使文章更加具有逻辑。
（3）例子要尽量和文章主题贴近，感觉第一段的例子太牵强，没有体现出历史知识的重要性，例子应该说历史知识让你的同学更加理智，更懂得如何融入社会，才得到老板喜爱，有很多工作，而不是因为老板的欣赏就拿到很多机会，感觉该体现逻辑的地方没写出来。
（4）其实有时候句子不必太复杂，考试的时候时间有限，把事情说清楚，把道理掰扯明白就行，这算是我总结的经验吧，之前总是考虑如何多用些高级词汇，如何多写复杂句式，分反而低，现在就是很简单的写，但是会积累些好的句式和单词在考试的时候用上，感觉分反而更高些。
最后，楼主不用太担心，慢慢都会好的，我也是从托福70多挣扎到100多的，共勉。
不知道自己说的对不对，不对的地方互相学习哈~

cuplc07 发表于 2018-7-26 20:14
我之前也是作文20多点，最近考的2次作文也才27，也是挣扎了蛮久的，我就说下我的看法好了。
（1）感觉作文 ...

哈哈，谢谢大佬的评价。你的建议我也做了笔记，尽量在以后的作文中少犯。你的回答很认真，认真的人一定会有好运的。btw，能留个联系方式么。毕竟是走过差不多路的人，说不定能帮我避免一些坑......