外教给的开头样式模板 和提示 大家来看一看吧

I’ve reviewed it very carefully and want to improve on one specific area: PARAGRAPH DEVELOPMENT – OPENING PARAGRAPH. So, we’re going to fix this and get your test scores up by addressing 4 things: your work, the problem, the solution and a rewritten example. 1. YOUR WORK “﷯Some people claim that the mordern civilazition's luxuries and conveniences productions become obstacles for the way individuals access to be strong and independant. I ﷯trutly﷯ disagree with that, however, because it is a inevitable progress of history and homo sapiens to bordan our horizon even makes our life high efficiency.” 2. PROBLEM 1.        You are missing a general introduction where you familiarize the reader with your topic. Instead of a general introduction, you’ve started informing the reader about a particular position in relation to the argument. That’s not a LOGICAL introduction. 2.        You are missing an explanation as to why the matter you’re writing about is important. 3. SOLUTION Here is a clear explanation as to the parts and purposes of the parts of a standard OPENING PARAGRAPH: 1.        Part 1 - A general introduction where you familiarize the reader with your topic. 2.        PART 2 – An explanation as to why the matter you’re writing about is important. 3.        PART 3 – A thesis statement where you tell the reader what your argument is and where you introduce the reader to the evidence that you’re going to use to support your argument. According to the requirements of the essay you’re writing today, you need provide for the parts described above by following a structure similar to the SAMPLE TEMPLATE: ________ (general introduction). ________ is important because__________. I think_______ because _______, _______, and ________. 4. REWRITTEN EXAMPLE “The modern world offers a number of luxuries that have changed the way we live. A discussion of the effects that those luxuries have on people is important because we need to determine both positive and negative consequences. I think that the luxuries we enjoy have made us stronger and more independent because we are required to think and react comparatively faster than in the past, we must understand a lot about the tools we use and we need to be able to teach others about the tools.” Now, you should write your next OPENING PARAGRAPH based on your new knowledge. "Anyone who doesn't make mistakes isn't trying hard enough." -Wess Roberts。
非常负责任的一个外教只是他的开开头总是和新东方老师讲的感觉不太一样，不知道听哪一个唉，各位前辈如果感觉不错就给点米吧！ 没有的给点提示吧！ 作文实在是弱啊！PS第26题ISSUE

格式调整一下吧，不然没法看了

RonHe 发表于 2013-10-8 21:17
格式调整一下吧，不然没法看了

复制粘贴后没注意唉

纠结了，外教的意思是，开头三个部分？
part 1：general introduction 会不会感觉太废话了，有点像万能六级作文开头，但没有这句话又的确有点突兀
part 2：解释你要写的东西很重要。。。
part 3：写出你啊argument的论点和evidence。。。。平常就直接跳到这了

会不会显得比较废话啊。。？？