转专业PS求改...求拍砖

楼主因为sub没考好..只能突击转专业了..准备转入材料科学与工程：光伏材料方向..这是PS..也不知道写的对不对..希望大家能给个建议

Personal Statement

Even when you'restruggling, even when you're discouraged, and you feel like other people havegiven up on you--don't ever give up on yourself

                                                  -------- BarackObama

With time passing, Greenhouseeffect becomes one of the most significant challenges that mankind meet. Andrenewable energy sources are deemed that they can replace fossil fuel as majorenergy sources! Solar energy is an important kind of renewable energy sources,which will have a promising development in the future. When I was in seniorhigh school, I was very interested in solar energy. Then when I entered intouniversity, I chose physics as my major which I thought I could learn somethingabout solar. However, actually, I was wrong. So I was not very interested inthe courses and led to depravation. Then, when I was a junior student, Ithought I shouldn’t give up, I should pursue my dream: getting “close” to theSun.

In the process of realizingmy dream, I do make lots of efforts to improve my experimental ability and deepenmy theoretical knowledge. And although I meet with plenty of difficulties, Iresolve these problems correctly by myself. For the instance, whenI was a junior, I worked for an associate professor. It was a research aboutthe nonlinear optical properties of composite of polyaniline and graphene(PANI/GN).During the experiment, there was a procedure that I had to synthesize (Poly(methylmethacrylate))(PMMA) which was used as the matrix to hold PANI/GN. However,with the limited information from other papers, I had to try differentconditions to synthesize PMMA. At that time, I always stayed the whole day inthe Chemistry lab. Finally, I made the correct condition that PMMA was synthesizedin a water bath which was heated to about 81~82 ℃ and got PMMA successfully. Then, another problem came out: Ineeded to make a mold which was used to mold PMMA. The requirements were thatPMMA couldn’t be adulterated with impurities and its thickness must be 1mm. Tostart with, I chose tinfoil as the material. With the process going, I foundthat tinfoil was so flexible that the PMMA couldn’t be molded as shape wewanted with a uniform thickness and even smooth surface. Therefore, the firsttrial failed. Then, I concluded what I needed and recalled the process: beforethe polymer was casted onto the mode, it was jelly and could distribute itself equablyon the mode, so the mode must be stable and hard with a smooth surface. Then Iconsulted people on the internet and got the answer: glass. An idea struck me:the glass slide! The glass slide which is 1mm thick was the best choice. When itwas cleaned by ethanol, it’s smooth enough which ensured the polymer a spotlessoutside without impurity after its coagulation. However, here came anotherproblem: what kind of shape should the mode be? During the process ofassembling the mode, I tried different kinds of form. For example, three glassslides were stacked together by tape. Then, after the middle one was extracted,a mode was finished. This kind of mode’s problem was that ordinary tape waspermeable so that the jelly sometimes would flow out of the mode, and it’sinconvenient to operate when the jelly was casted onto the mode. So I had tothink what kind of tape was watertight and thin enough to make the glass slideshave smaller and fewer slits, then I purchased different kinds of tapes andfinally found the most appropriate one----PVC insulating tape. Then the shapeof mode was assembled by 7 slides, and the new mode could make jelly distributeeasily and it’s convenient for me to caste the jelly and eject PMMA from themode. The most important was that PMMA with even 1mm thickness was perfect forexperiment.

Although this project is cancelled at last,I think this experience is invaluable for me. When I meet some questions, I don’tgive up, instead, I try different ways to resolve the problem: my perseveranceand my ability to learn the lesson from my failure then find new solutions todeal with the problem lead me to get through tough time. At the same time,because I have been in Chemistry lab for about half-year, so I learn lots ofskills about Chemistry. As a physics student, I think my Chemistry experimentalability can help me resolve some problems. I think these kinds of attributesare of good importance for me to do well in my future research, so I think I amqualified for being a researcher.

When I finish my master study, I want topursue my research and get a Ph.D. degree. I want to contribute myself to theenvironment and make world better. Recently, Suntech Power has gone bankrupt,and everybody says that the photovoltaic industry is in winter, while I don’tthink so. The winter will pass away and the Sun is still promising. I will trymy best to achieve my dream-------get “close” to the Sun.

谢谢大家了

补充内容 (2013-11-22 10:54):
主题内容都是我在实验中碰到了一些困难，怎么解决的..但是不知道对不对..

没认真看。。不过引用别人的话这样的开头不太好的样子。有个观点就是你不应该用别人的话来写你自己的PERSONAL statement。可以考虑an interesting anecdote

sub没考好就转专业。。。楼主不要这么偏激吧？。。。

天明09 发表于 2013-11-22 14:01
没认真看。。不过引用别人的话这样的开头不太好的样子。有个观点就是你不应该用别人的话来写你自己的PERSON ...

好的，谢谢建议~~

mr_possible 发表于 2013-11-22 15:02
sub没考好就转专业。。。楼主不要这么偏激吧？。。。

主要是专业课什么的都不好..而且也算是能追求喜欢的东西吧

yinhangyt 发表于 2013-11-22 16:02
细节太多了。。啥温度啥的没必要写

那应该怎么做呢...不是说细节少了会显得很空嘛..能不能给个建议..我是怕老师觉得我说的太空像是假的..

1.不要写名人名言
2.句子开头第一个词不要用And，不正式
3.When I was in seniorhigh school, I was very interested in solar energy.
为啥感兴趣，怎么感兴趣了？
4.不要写depravation这么负面的词，而且你还是一开头就写= =！你可以说我兴趣导致我转，不能说我混的不好所以转
5. failed 这种词也少用，一次实验失败可以换一点委婉的词
6.研究那一段重要的不是写你整个流程，用了什么方法。而是重点写你为什么要用这些方法。还有这一段太长了，可以拆分成多段
7.Although this project is cancelled at last。。。。太负面啊，前面又没说整个实验很烂，怎么突然就取消了。
8.I don’tgive up, instead, I try different ways to resolve the problem: my perseveranceand my ability to learn the lesson from my failure then find new solutions todeal with the problem lead me to get through tough time.
念起来好奇怪，句子不是很顺
9.既然你作为一个物理学生想申光伏材料，就不要对化学实验写的这么细了。多写一点你对光伏材料的理解，不仅仅停留在能源短缺所以我们需要发展光伏材料这样浅的程度。写细节一点，比如说光伏材料现在效率非常低，是因为XXX引起的，我对提高其效率很感兴趣。
10.这样的Ps申PhD很不够，尤其purpose写的很不够。

pigonline 发表于 2013-11-22 23:15
1.不要写名人名言
2.句子开头第一个词不要用And，不正式
3.When I was in seniorhigh school, I was very ...

好的..谢谢大大帮忙..我改改再请您看看