Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

争议版已经建了有些日子了，帖子不能算太多，但是几乎很多都是高楼，还是有一些热点话题大家想要深入讨论的。最早建立争议版的初衷是因为很多问题本身有争议性，同时很多讨论比普通水版帖子有质量有深度有信息量，单提出来集合在一起，既不容易最后被淹没在水贴中很难再找到，也不会让水版气氛太激烈。而喜欢看的人一眼扫过去，可以都是有意义或是有意思的讨论。
既然是有争议的话题，如何有效的讨论问题就是个不可避免但是又难于解决的问题，我不知道答案，我试图寻找答案。

这两天我参与了一些讨论，也有过一些并不太愉快的经历，说出过一些脑子发热时候没控制住的话，今天白天的时候还没觉得什么，现在冷静下来想想，只有一种感觉，我浪费了很多时间，并且没有得到我想要的，总结下来，是个失败的经验。那么我想要的到底是什么呢？在写这些字的时候，又仔细想了想，实际上很简单，是沟通，是新鲜而又有质量有信息量的idea。可惜最终还是变成了无意义的打嘴架，自然有我的原因，我说了很多无意义的话。而我想很多人也许也和我一样，想要看些什么，看着看着就偏离了初衷，最终也没能收获些除了情绪波动以外的东西。

也许是时候学学这个很基本，却也是每个人都想拥有的本领了，如何沟通，如何让别人的声音传进你的心里，又如何将你的声音传递给他人，而不是半路就遇上各种壁垒，谁都听不清谁也说不清。这个问题很宽泛，也没有说起来的这么容易，但是总要有个开始，那就在这里开个头儿吧，希望可以帮助我自己，也可以帮助其他渴望良好沟通的人。

感谢小K姐姐推荐这本书，
Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone，amazon上将近150个review的同时拿到了4.8分的评价。从review里面挑了一段儿有意思的内容贴在这里，也许会有人感兴趣。

In Section II Goulston shares his "nine core rules:"
1. Move yourself from "oh F#@& to OK"
2. Rewire yourself to listen
3. Make the other person feel "felt"
4. Be more interested than interesting
5. Make people feel valuable
6. Help people to exhale emotionally and mentally
7. Check your dissonance at the door
8. When all seems lost bare your neck
9. Steer clear of toxic people
You might read over this list and "yeah, yeah, yeah I do those things already." Do you? Do you really?

白天的时候粗略看了一下，话题正是我很感兴趣的，如何沟通，how to reach people。 我们就从这本书开始。计划是这样的，我将开始读这本书，之后每周更新一些reading notes直到读完，或者频率更高些，以阅读进度而定。这本书的电子版也放在了这里，非常欢迎大家一起来读书，参与讨论，正如小k姐姐说的，“at least let's work towards adding something positive and beneficial on this board”。
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感谢！不知道放kindle上看效果好不好

久等了。。。。虽然还没完全看完，但是可以先放上来一些notes，大家可以讨论一下。还好有小k姐姐督促，不然不知道要猴儿年马月才能看完。。。。＝。＝

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝ Notes ＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
Persuasion Cycle
Get people tell you what happened in their mind

The Three-part Brain
primitive reptile layer ("fight or flight"), evolved mammal layer (seat of emotions, inner drama queen), final primate layer (logical thinking)
To reach people, talk to the human upper brain. If people are too emotional, you're like talking to a hysterical rabbit…

Amygdala Hijack and the Death of Rational Thought
Amygdala - a small area deep in your brain, flies into action if it senses a threat to you
Frontal cortex - logical part, want to analyze the threat but no time for that
So amygdala will take the power, but most of the time, amygdala will sizes up a situation before makes its move.
When your amygdala hits the boiling point, you can't access the higher brain, that's called "amygdala hijack".
Don't talk to a person who's in full amygdala hijack, you're wasting your time. But intervene before s/he hits the boiling point to prevent the amygdala hijack.

Mirror neurons
Mirror other's actions in your own mind
Try to make others feel mirrored

The "Oh F#@& to OK" process - get yourself ready to solve the problem with your human, instead of reptile, brain.
Oh F#@& - the reaction phase, silently using words to describe your feelings, which will help to calm you.
Oh God - the release phase, breath deeply and slowly
Oh Jeez - recenter phase
Oh well - refocusing phase, start thinking of what you can do to control the situation
OK - the re-engaging phase, do what you need to do.

Rewire yourself to listen
Life is mostly a matter of perception and more often misperception.
Most people don't listen. You gather some data from early interaction and jump to the conclusion

Make the other person "feel felt"
If you want to open the lines of communication, open your mind first.Do listen, not just hear.

Be interested rather than interesting
Care other people's feeling/story, don't change the conversation to your own show.

Help people to exhale emotionally and mentally (listen to the quiet)
Do not interrupt when people vent, whine, or complain.
Don't get into debate when people are doing so.
Don't talk immediately after they vent out since they are exhausted to listen and close down.
If you let him feel relieved and grateful to you, he'll be willing to reciprocate (due to mirror neurons).

Check your dissonance at the door
What you're trying to express may not be perceived correctly by other people
Ask other people what did you do to make them uncomfortable
Ask them suggestions for improving that in the future (people are more open to this rather than say something bad at you)
Book recommended: What Got You Here Won't Get You There
When you can't avoid dissonance, appreciate it.
Next time before you start sliding into an argument, stop and say to the other person, "Right now I feel like you're attacking me, and I'm guessing you feel like I'm attacking you. But in reality I think we're both defending ourselves. So I want you to know that I don't want to hurt you - and I know you don't want to hurt me. If we can start fresh with that agreement in place, I bet we can solve this problem together."

刚看完前9章，感觉心态平和多了现在，确实很多时候的争论是完全没有必要也没有意义的，双方都是reptile brain的时候真是说了也白说。。。

刚看到一章讲 steer away from toxic people，有个有意思的测试，看看你是不是应该steer away from someone。。。

Rate the person in question on this 1 to 3 scale (1 = not at all; 2 = some- times; 3 = almost always):

■ Does the person whine?

■ Does the person complain?

■ Does the person come off like a victim?

■ Does the person seem to be saying, “Feel sorry for me”?

■ Does the person want to be pitied?

■ Does the person cry or act deeply hurt when something doesn’t go

his or her way?

■ Does the person attempt to make you feel guilty?

■ Does it seem to you that the person is a bottomless pit whose

needs can’t ever be met?

■ Do you want to avoid the person?

■ Does your stomach get a knot whenever you receive a voice mail

or e-mail from the person?

■ Do you feel like yelling at the person: “Toughen up!”?



■ Do you feel guilty because you find yourself rooting against the person?

Here’s how to score your answers:

12 = low maintenance: a person who’s worth keeping in your life.

13-24 = medium maintenance: is this relationship really worth your time?

25-36 = high maintenance: leave (if you can) before this person sucks the life out of you.

Expose your weakness/vulnerability, don't try to hide it to earn respect.
Ask help before you mess up so others won't see it as a way to get out of punishment.
Even reaching people after a screw-up is better than nothing.
Don't pretend you're fine.
Whatever attitude you have, people will mirror it, that's called empathy. So don't use anger to cover up fear.
People feel your pain, that lead to a desire to help, and then a solution.
Exposing vulnerability may turn strangers into friends.

Steer away from toxic people
Drain-your-blood needy people who demand constant help and attention.
Bullies. Make eye contact. Act perfectly polite but ever-so-slightly bored, as if your mind is elsewhere.
Strike back hard if you can take some risks.
Takers who ask for favors all the time but never return.
Narcissists who don't give a damn about you and self-centered.
Psychopaths - cold-blooded, lack of empathy, self-centered, use people for sexual or financial purposes and then discard them.

Check who's the problematic person, maybe you are.
If you’re hesitant to say “No”, you may be neurotic. If you’re truly afraid to say “No,” you’re probably dealing with a toxic person. And if nobody ever says “No” to you, that toxic person could be you.
Take steps to be a positive person, not a toxic one.

Ask questions like "Do you really believe that?" when people are exaggerating.
Tell them if they do believe that then we're in problem and let's solve it.
Usually they'll admit that they are exaggerating.

Hmmm… strategy
Let people speak out and relieve when they are coming to you with angry.
Do not defend yourself or even attack back.
Show your interest/understanding about their problem and your willing to try to solve it.

Stipulate - expose your weakness to others, so they won't find it's uncomfortable to try to avoid talking about your weakness.
If they're feeling uncomfortable, their mirror neuron can't create an emotional connection since they're actively avoiding that connection.

No transactional conversations.
During interviews, ask questions about the other person or the company, but not all about you.
Ask questions that will show your interest in the other person’s ideas, interest, future success, or life.
Move beyond transacting to relating.
If the one you asked start “looking up to the sky” and thinking, probably your question worked and your conversation is no longer a negotiation but a dialogue.

Care yourself. Ask yourself questions like,
What would I like to be doing with my life this time next year?
What do I need more or less of in my life right now?
If my kids looked at me twenty years from now, what would make them proud of me?

Side-by-side approach
Ask people questions to walk them through the problem instead of giving advises directly.
Don't argue with the other people, ask more questions and go deeper.
Don't make them become defensive, disarm them, respect their answers.
Like how Socrates asking around in the town and help people figure out the answers themselves.

Overall, three basic rules, make feel interesting, make them feel important, make them feel felt.

大段英文啊。。。。。。。

东西很多，我觉得得刻意的每天生活中去练练才行，光看一遍但是用不上也不行。
最后一个 section 特别好，融会贯通了各种技巧。

小K 发表于 2013-2-21 22:53
大段英文啊。。。。。。。

啊？英文不行啊？。。。。看的时候是英文，用中文写好别扭的说。。。咋办？难不成翻译一下？。。

看完用自己的话写啊。。。