PS求拍 马上就要交了 心里惴惴不安啊 谢谢各位大神

Personal Statement
. ----
I hope to continue my graduate study in the department of Mechanical Engineering at Columbia University, because after 4 years of undergraduate study at Beihang University, I believe that automatic control is my real interest and I have a strong passion to pursue my Master Degree in automatic control.

My interest in automatic control was firstly inspired by one of my creative team-work design projects, which was a solar energy heating system with rotatable solar panels. The solar panel could change its tilt angel according to the position of the sun. Our creative design project won the first prize of the “Fang Xing Cup---6th Beijing University Real Estate Planning Competition”, but that was just the starting point of my passion about automatic control: I thought the light-operated solar panel is a fascinating idea so I wanted to make it into real product.

Both software and hardware would be involved in the implementation of my light-operated solar panel, which was a great opportunity for me-- a student majoring in aircraft airworthiness, which is a hybrid of software and hardware engineering-- to improve my practical skills. Based on the analysis of its working system and the knowledge about digital signal process (DSP), I believed that the TMS320F2812 could be an ideal processor to realize the function of automatic rotation. I made great efforts in both operating system modification and hardware manufacture. After experiments and revisions, I successfully made my prototype, which could detect the light and adjust its tilt angle in a dark environment. It was a really encouraging step and I was glad about my progress. However, there was still a way to my final goal—the panel should be able to detect the hardness of sunlight to make sure its high-efficiency. From the process of realizing my design ideas, I understood the difference between theory and practice, and I had more practical experience about automatic control. I also knew that there is a lot more in this field that I need to learn and explore.

The practical use of control knowledge in my field has strenghened my understanding of control. This summer, I took part in a project-oriented course which was about testing the maneuvering stability of a certain airfoil profile. I chose an airfoil profiel called MM300. I used CFD and Fluent to calculate the flying characteristics of this airfoil profile and used this data as a basis of the final test. Then I supposed that this airfoil profile should come across a micro-variation, which could be achieved by the Matlab, then I tested how it responded. The experiment showed that the angle of incidence and pitch rate were mostly influenced by the micro-variation in a short period mode, while velocity and angle of pitch were mostly influenced by the micro-variation in a long period mode. With analyzing the characteristic value, we could know whether the plane is stable or not. Furthermore, I focused on how to improve the control quality in order to provide more degrees of freedom (DOFs) to designers. Taking pitch-damper for example, it includes angular velocity sensor, amplifier and so on, which make up a closed-loop. Therefore, it will improve the short-period’s damping force characteristics. After knowing more knowledge and skills in the future, I believe that I can make it into real product. Through this project, I was not only more familiar with professional software, I also learned that the importance of control to the whole system of plane.

The experience in the class called Aircraft Stability and Control in this semester stimulated me to deepen my research. We were informed that the most effictive way to improve the characteristics of mode is to use proper feedback controller, however, the choice of parameter(K) is difficult to engineers. Our mission is to compare different parameters’ influences on the plane and find out the most proper one. I used matlab to draw the root locus diagram of the feedback controller and analyzed the amplitude-frequency curve and phase-frequency curve to get the results. Through this project, I am thinking about more convenient ways to find the most appropriate parameter, which will decrease the work burden of the designers.

During my graduate study, I would like to work on improving operating system accuracy, accelerating system running speed and optimizing software performance. After graduating from your esteemed graduate school, I hope I can work on auto-control systems and software engineering especially for aircrafts. I believe that the importance of these aspects is more conspicuous on aircrafts, because the same amount of errors will cause much more damages in aerospace industry than any other industries. That is why aerospace industry has the most strict requirements and standards about system accuracy, running speed and other components.

The major of Control at the Department of Mechanical Engineering at Columbia University focuses on software engineering, operating system and mechanical knowledge, which is an ideal direction for me to pursue my Master Degree. With my excellent theory knowledge about automatic control, practical experience of several projects and mechinanial and excellent mathematic background, I believe that I could achieve my career goals by studying at Columbia University.

In additon, I believe that I am the most appropriate one for your graduate program since you emphasize the basic understanding in a brand topics and a deep understanding of a particular area. I have strong background knowledge and high-motivated passion in control. I am extremely fascinated by the Longman Group: Control Systems Research Group, I do believe it can promote creativity, initiative and independent thinking in myself, which will lead me to career success.

都没人看么 自己顶一下

我粘到WORD里发现了好几处typo，比如：
. 第四段：strenghened -> strengthened
            profiel -> profile（我猜的）
第七段：mechinanial -> mechanical
第八段：additon -> addition

内容没细看，但总体来说LZ句式太单调。全文里有一堆以“I...”开头的句子，而且有一段中出现两个连续的“Then I...”，给人一种词穷的感觉。不妨用一些名词替代这些“I”，比如把I did .....改成My contribution includes......

美帝我来啦 发表于 2013-11-13 10:07
都没人看么 自己顶一下

你好听话啊

Personal Statement

I hope to continue my graduate study in the department of Mechanical Engineering at Columbia University, because after 4 years of undergraduate study at Beihang University, I believe that automatic control is my real interest and I have a strong passion to pursue my Master Degree in automatic control.这段简洁明了，若没有新颖开头，我觉得很好了哈^_^

My interest in automatic control was firstly inspired by one of my creative team-work design projects, which was a solar energy heating system with rotatable solar panels. The solar panel could change its tilt angel according to the position of the sun. Our creative design project won the first prize of the “Fang Xing Cup---6th Beijing University Real Estate Planning Competition”, but that was just the starting point of my passion about automatic control: I thought the light-operated solar panel is a fascinating idea so I wanted to make it into real product.最好再衔接的更深入些，这个比赛和project为何stimulate了你想做这的product

Both software and hardware would be involved in the implementation of my light-operated solar panel, which was a great opportunity for me-- a student majoring in aircraft airworthiness, which is a hybrid of software and hardware engineering-- to improve my practical skills. 所以这几句楼主是想说上一段最好一句话的原因么？那么建议合在一起，在组织一下结构顺序，不要分开。如我理解错误，忽略之Based on the analysis of its working system and the knowledge about digital signal process (DSP), I believed that the TMS320F2812 could be an ideal processor to realize the function of automatic rotation. I made great efforts in both operating system modification and hardware manufacture. After experiments and revisions, I successfully made my prototype, which could detect the light and adjust its tilt angle in a dark environment. It was a really encouraging step and I was glad about my progress. However, there was still a way to my final goal—the panel should be able to detect the hardness of sunlight to make sure its high-efficiency. From the process of realizing my design ideas, I understood the difference between theory and practice, and I had more practical experience about automatic control. 这句话感觉表达不清楚，楼主应该是想表达这个process是你有了更多讲理论用在实践中的经历吧？建议换更明白简单的句子I also knew that there is a lot more in this field that I need to learn and explore.这里可以结合你在做那个东东（我不懂哈）的时候遇到了什么挑战或者障碍或者发行了什么需要今后继续学习的来谈
The practical use of control knowledge in my field has strenghened my understanding of control. This summer, I took part in a project-oriented course which was about testing the maneuvering stability of a certain airfoil profile. I chose an airfoil profiel called MM300. I used CFD and Fluent to calculate the flying characteristics of this airfoil profile and used this data as a basis of the final test. Then I supposed that this airfoil profile should come across a micro-variation, which could be achieved by the Matlab, then I tested how it responded. The experiment showed that the angle of incidence and pitch rate were mostly influenced by the micro-variation in a short period mode, while velocity and angle of pitch were mostly influenced by the micro-variation in a long period mode. With analyzing the characteristic value, we could know whether the plane is stable or not. Furthermore, I focused on how to improve the control quality in order to provide more degrees of freedom (DOFs) to designers. Taking pitch-damper for example, it includes angular velocity sensor, amplifier and so on, which make up a closed-loop. Therefore, it will improve the short-period’s damping force characteristics.前面这一段你很详细的讲了你做了神马，但是没有深入讲讲你的收获，以及，开头你只是说这让你有更多的practical experience，我觉得还不够，还要再挖挖你通过它得到了什么，然后过程可以精简。但是细节还是需要有哈 After knowing more knowledge and skills in the future换句子, I believe that I can make it into real product. Through this project, I was not only more familiar with professional software, I also learned that the importance of control to the whole system of plane.

The experience in the class called Aircraft Stability and Control in this semester stimulated me to deepen my research. We were informed that the most effictive way to improve the characteristics of mode is to use proper feedback controller, however, the choice of parameter(K) is difficult to engineers. Our mission is to compare different parameters’ influences on the plane and find out the most proper one. I used matlab to draw the root locus diagram of the feedback controller and analyzed the amplitude-frequency curve and phase-frequency curve to get the results. Through this project, I am thinking about more convenient ways to find the most appropriate parameter, which will decrease the work burden of the designers.我理解你的意思，但我觉得这个句子有点中国式，可以写成（楼主我只是举例哈， 我的英语也一般）this project has stimulated me to think about more convenient way xxxx类似的。
During my graduate study, I would like to work on improving operating system accuracy, accelerating system running speed and optimizing software performance. After graduating from your esteemed graduate school, I hope I can work on auto-control systems and software engineering especially for aircrafts. I believe that the importance of these aspects is more conspicuous on aircrafts, 换句子，楼主是想说这个领域非常重要？不知道具体表达方法，但读着乖乖的because the same amount of errors will cause much more damages in aerospace industry than any other industries. That is why aerospace industry has the most strict requirements and standards about system accuracy, running speed and other components.

The major of Control at the Department of Mechanical Engineering at Columbia University focuses on software engineering, operating system and mechanical knowledge, which is an ideal direction for me to pursue my Master Degree. With my excellent theoy knowledge换词 about automatic control, practical experience of several projects and mechinanial and excellent mathematic background, I believe that I could achieve my career goals by studying at Columbia University.感觉怪怪的
In additon, I believe that I am the most appropriate one for your graduate program since you emphasize the basic understanding in a brand topics and a deep understanding of a particular area. I have strong background knowledge and high-motivated passion in control. I am extremely fascinated by the Longman Group: Control Systems Research Group, I do believe it can promote creativity, initiative and independent thinking in myself, which will lead me to career success最后两段略显重复，而且结构不太清楚，若无更好版本，建议写成最普通版本：即你的career goal or academic objectives，学校能给你带来什么帮助是你实现你的goal和interest，然后讲自己的strength和value，能够为学校带来什么，为什么是最佳的申请人。逻辑脉络清晰些不要一会说一下goal又说一下优点，一会又说。。。.

大概就是这样了，楼主加油。
我不是你的专业的，所以改的不一定对，见谅啊。。我自己也在申请，虽然不是一样的专业，但是我觉得看看大家的文书一定能学到东西。嘻嘻~~一起加油

yanyanlr 发表于 2013-11-13 23:06
你好听话啊

对啊！版主，但是回的人好少，要不您也给我加点米

兔子喵喵喵 发表于 2013-11-14 00:15
Personal Statement

I hope to continue my graduate study in the department of Mechanical Engineeri ...

哇塞！！！ 太感谢了，很多都一针见血呀，正在继续改，最后两段怎么都说不清楚，，我想分的两段是这样的：： 你们学校怎么怎么好，然后我怎么怎么好。但是夸学校那很单薄啊

美帝我来啦 发表于 2013-11-14 01:17
对啊！版主，但是回的人好少，要不您也给我加点米

我给忘了 能不能给你加米啦