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[申请文书] PS physics 求改 大家看看哪些多余内容可以删除 字数控制不住了

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Personal statement
Peoplearound me always ask me why I apply to a foreign university after working fortwo years, for this seems to be a crooked road. I will answer them that this ismy dream. All I have done, four years of undergraduate study majoring inphysics and two years of working, is to prepare for chasing my dream – studyingabroad and becoming an astronomy scientist in the future. My interest inastronomy can date back to my childhood, when I was fascinated by the starrysky. Since then I started to dream about becoming a scientist, so I can unveilthe mystery of the universe by myself.
Myundergraduate experiences in Jilin University equipped me with a solid foundationin physics and mathematics, as can be seen from the grades of my physics andmathematics courses. I was not confined by the content printed on the textbooksor taught by teachers and often asked why it was so. For instance, in the ModernPhysics Experiments class, we measured the crystal property using XRD method.In the process we needed to grind the specimen to powder. So I wondered thatsince the lattice of each crystal grain would arrange randomly, how thesegrains could cause diffraction in special direction. I turned to my teacher forhelp and he explained the principles behind this phenomenon. In September 2010,I participated in the Contemporary Undergraduate Mathematical Contest inModeling (CUMCM) with other two teammates from the College of Software. I wasin charge of allocating assignments for each member and accomplishing thecomputational problems by using MATLAB. As a result, we won the first prize inJilin division and the second prize in the national level (820 out of 12,272teams).
   
Inaddition, I seized every opportunity to enrich my knowledge about astronomy. Inthe first year of my undergraduate, I joined the astrophysics group in ourcollege, which was composed of students interested in astronomy. We held one activityevery week, ranging from lectures to outdoor observations. In order to bequalified to talk with other knowledgeable teammates, I learned some coursesabout astronomy by myself, such as Physics-Astronomy Frontier and Foundation ofTheoretical Astronomy. These articles about astronomy and cosmology onScientific American also obsessed me. I was particularly interested in the starformation and evolution theory. What happened in the giant molecular clouds?How did these dense and ordered structures emerge from these superficiallychaotic areas? My knowledge was far limited to deal with such a complex systemthat included enormous unknown interactions. It confirmed my determination topursue a high degree in astronomy.
I also tookan active part in real research work. During the summer holiday of my sophomoreyear, I worked as a research assistant in a laboratory in Jilin University Atomand Molecular Institute of Physics. To understand the methods frequently usedin our research, I studied the density functional theory (DFT) by myself. Icalculated potential energies of molecules in different states with scriptinglanguage code. It enabled me to have a better understanding about the theoriesI learned in Atomic Physics course. In senior year, I completed my thesisThePreparation of Nano ZnO and the Study of Its Structure and Optical Properties”.I finished the research all by myself, including designing the experimentprocedure, conducting the experiment and studying the property of the specimenby using SEM, XRD and photoluminescence detection. The beautiful images of NanoZnO hexagonal prisms under SEM brought me huge joyfulness.
All seemedto go smoothly and I prepared to further my study in astronomy after Igraduated. However, my family encountered financial crisis and some otherdifficulties in my junior year, which made me hesitated to study for a higherdegree. On one hand, I did not want to ask for money from my parents. Duringthe undergraduate period, I paid for my tuition by student loan, which had tobe returned after I graduated. On the other hand, I wanted to do something to supportmy family. My father was an ordinary farmer and sometimes he would do somephysical work in the factories when there was little farm work. As a grown-upwho had received my parents’ nurture for so many years, I should do something. Soafter pondering seriously I decided to adjust my plan i.e. I would tentatively putaside my study after I graduated and go to find a job.
Althoughmy job had no relation with physics, it did benefit me in many aspects. Mysecond job position was a software engineer in test, offering me more opportunityto learn computer knowledge. I became familiar with the structure of Linux OSand shell script since most of our products were based on Linux OS. Because ofmy excellent performance, I was appointed to be in charge of the test work in atotally new program- the smartSTB (set top box) based on Android operating system, which was intended forabout 2,000 users. I designed the test requirements and procedures, and thencarried out the test. After six months’ hard work, including many overtimenights, our team successfully accomplished the program.
Therepetition and busyness of my work did not rub off my dream. Instead, it loomedlarger in my heart. I paid off my loan, helped my family to come through the difficultywith my wage and became financially independent. Now, the time is ripe for me toresume my study. I pick up what I learned in the university and attempt toapply to an American university. I believe a gradate study is the mostimportant step to realize my dream, especially studying in the place that maintainsthe highest academic level in the world.
The graduateprogram of the Astronomy Department at Boston University covers variousresearch areas. This will render me a good opportunity to have access to manycutting edge researches before I choose a specific field. Moreover, thelocation of the university and diverse student activities intensely attract me.I really hope to be one member of this energetic group.
How manyyears must a man wait, before he can chase his dream? The answer is two yearsfor me. This path seems to be crooked in others’ eyes, but for me it’s thedecent one. The obstacles I have to overcome in the path make my dream morevaluable. I will maintain this firm belief in my future study and academiccareer. Thank you for your kind consideration of my application for graduateadmission.



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withing 2013-11-20 17:16:56 | 只看该作者
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讲自己选择就业而不是再读书的地方是不是该减一点,可能国外教授不会想知道你的私人情况,还有,第一段前半句是always ask,后半句是will answer, 时态上会不会有点不对,最后一段与前面没有逻辑联系,直接结尾太武断了点吧。 再有其中词与词之间没有空开。
P.S.:楼主是申PHD么?
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 楼主| zzqandrew 2013-11-20 22:13:17 | 只看该作者
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withing 发表于 2013-11-20 17:16
讲自己选择就业而不是再读书的地方是不是该减一点,可能国外教授不会想知道你的私人情况,还有,第一段前半 ...

是PHD,开头的地方我再改改。选择就业的地方要删减,我想把这个地方解释的合理一点,不知道是不是太personal了。最后一段想照应开头,同时总结全文。可能有些唐突,我再改。字之间没有空格是格式的问题,我复制进去的时候都是有空格的。
非常感谢~
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额  好中式的英文
逻辑不够 比如你说你的dream是在国外读书 那么为什么是国外呢 (因为研究更严谨 技术更成熟?)
类似这种你说了一点 但是没有把真正的原因说出来
还有job的跟research没关的就少说一点吧
国内数模竞赛什么的 人家也不会太care
第2.3.4段要精简
show your commitment 是phd ps最重要的
老板最关心什么呢 你是不是真的对研究感兴趣能不能苦逼个5年 有没有相关的研究经历
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 楼主| zzqandrew 2013-11-21 19:29:15 | 只看该作者
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爱丽丝和鲍勃 发表于 2013-11-21 18:28
额  好中式的英文
逻辑不够 比如你说你的dream是在国外读书 那么为什么是国外呢 (因为研究更严谨 技术更成 ...
. 1point3acres
非常感谢。我加一些想去国外读书的原因。主要因为没有像样的科研经历,所以2,3,4段写的有点多。工作部分是和research不相关,我在犹豫要不要写在PS里。
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zzqandrew 发表于 2013-11-21 03:29
非常感谢。我加一些想去国外读书的原因。主要因为没有像样的科研经历,所以2,3,4段写的有点多。工作部分 ...

我觉得可以从反面来写。
你这种看的人心里会有既然工作了为什么还回来读书的想法。
你可以说工作不那么有关系,自己还是想要读博士什么的。
不过这样人家心里又会有那么你现在相关的研究能力会不会退化了的想法,那就看你要怎么说服人家了
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pigonline 2013-11-25 09:02:23 | 只看该作者
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1. It confirmed my determination to pursue a high degree in astronomy.. 1point 3acres
注意你pursue的不是学位,是知识
2. On one hand, I did not want to ask for money from my parents.
说太多私人事情了。并且还会让教授们产生疑问,家里背景不好,需要赶紧工作挣钱的的情况下怎么可能安心做天文这样基础的研究。
3. I really hope to be one member of this energetic group.
多说一点,哪个教授,什么方向你感兴趣
4. 最后一段说一下你的远期规划

. 1point 3 acres
楼主对科学追求的态度很让人感动,Good luck!
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 楼主| zzqandrew 2013-11-25 12:23:50 | 只看该作者
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pigonline 发表于 2013-11-25 09:02
1. It confirmed my determination to pursue a high degree in astronomy.
注意你pursue的不是学位,是知 ...

非常感谢~
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