查看: 3464|回复: 6
收起左侧

[G作文-已改] ISSUE-81(parents volunteer)

|只看干货
本楼: 👍   0% (0)
 
 
0% (0)   👎
全局: 👍   100% (38)
 
 
0% (0)    👎

注册一亩三分地论坛,查看更多干货!

您需要 登录 才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号?注册账号

x
本帖最后由 q198800287 于 2013-8-23 16:02 编辑

求重拍!

81/95.All parents should be required to volunteer time to their children's schools.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position,describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

提纲:
+:
1.        父母能更加了解孩子的学习情况和心理状态,这样有利于双方的交流;
2.        更好地对学校的教育进行监管,以便提出自己的意见;
-:
1.可行性:不一定都有时间、精力来参与;
以什么样的方式volunteer?
Required by who?比较难管理;
2.校园应该是一个孩子们独立于家庭之外的自由天地,他们在这里学会自己处理事情,最终养成性格。家长可能会无法控制地对孩子的行为进行评价或者矫正,这样会剥脱孩子犯错误的机会,从而影响孩子独立思考解决问题的能力。

校也有自己的教育方式,这些方式可能不会被所有家长接受,也不是所有老师都让家长们满意,而教育者与受教育者的关系往往需要他们自己来协调,如有成就的运动员往往有一个很严苛的教练,在家长眼中残酷的训练,最终让运动员功成名就,并对教练感恩戴德。

家长在学校会给孩子带来压力,孩子可能会因为怕让家长不满意而束手束脚;同样地,每个家长会成为孩子们的评价对象;青春期叛逆期的孩子会反感,激化矛盾。

合:
总的来说,学校对一定年龄的孩子来说代表着几乎家庭以外所有的教育。家长对孩子的教育置身事外肯定是不可取的,但是应该多大程度上参与在学校的教育,我觉得是要根据个人情况而定。有的家庭一贯养成民主的氛围,家长从小鼓励孩子与他们交流,这种交流不仅不会使孩子反感,反而让父母与孩子之间的联系十分紧密,这样的父母参与学校的教育可能正面效果会多一些。而有一些家庭父母与孩子的关系并不是那么地亲密,孩子并不愿意与父母分享他们的生活,父母们也情愿孩子独当一面,对他们来说,题设措施的负面影响可能会多一些。所以我认为折中方案(尤其对于初高中生这样年纪比较大的孩子)是由父母和孩子自己决定要不要volunteer,这样给他们更多选择性更有利于孩子的成长。









The speaker thinks that all parents must volunteer time to their children’s schools. It is not difficult to picture a harmonious scene where parents and children spend valuable time in the school.Parents’ voluntary time is a impactful way for bonding and supervision. Nonetheless, is it realistic for all family? My points of contention with the speaker involves the feasibility and implicaitons of the suggestion.

Parents can be profoundly involved in their children’s education when volunteer to the place where they spend most of their time. First of all, better understanding can foster better communication. After direct accessed to their children’s conversation with their peers, the music or stars children are obsessed with may not seem that ridiculous. In addition, schools will be supervised. Parents’ presence is an effective way to prevent teacher’s mistakes like physical punishment or prejudice from happening. Also, school can collect candid advice from parents, after all ,no one can be more concerns of children’s benefits except for their own parents.

However, the smooth conduction of the suggestion needs a system agrees with every parent’s schedule;on the other hand,compulsory volunteering means that parents have to spare time from their work ,which could increase their burden.Those two reasons can lead to lack of focus,both from school and parents, on children.

When parents do go volunteer in school,children and themselves may find it not that pleasant.I think school is the most primary place where children are educated outside their home.It is a place that children can argue with their teachers,joke with their peers,without their parents’ watching.From what I have seen and experienced, children,especially rebellious teenagers,do not want to share their campus life with their parents. Parents criticize children for their behaviors and children holds grudge,so parents’ appearance in school could exacerbate the discord between family members.

It may also deprive teachers of their license to choose the most suitable way to educate.Thanks to famous coach Omatsu Hirofum’s cruel way of training, Japanese female volleyball team gained 157 triumph in a roll, which is a global record till today.Successful coaches usually are harsh to their athletes, because idleness is a part of human nature and high requirement is a impactful way to control it. How to solve the divergence between educators and parents ? I think abundant room should be bestowe on professinals in school.

While it is well-intended for the speakers to advise that voluntary time from parents is indispensable,I find it hard to conclude that the advantages is outweigh the disadvantages, since different family have different situation. Admittedly,parents do need to occasionally visit the school so that they can be fully informed of their children’s education status.So I think a selective voluntary program provided by school is a flexible alternative.

谢谢费心了~

评分

参与人数 1大米 +30 收起 理由
q198800287 + 30

查看全部评分


上一篇:2个月搞定G
下一篇:zz新GRE最后30天备考冲刺经验
小样天黑了 2013-8-16 11:16:31 | 显示全部楼层
本楼: 👍   0% (0)
 
 
0% (0)   👎
全局: 👍   98% (62)
 
 
1% (1)    👎
lz总体写得很好啊,语言功底很强,不过单词用的有点生硬,中文式的英文有点明显,建议多读老美的文章,另外就是逻辑性还有待加强,毕竟gre重逻辑。
The speaker thinks that all parents must volunteer time to their children’s schools. It is not difficult to picture a harmonious scene where parents and children spend valuable time in the school.Parents’ voluntary time is a impactful way for bonding and supervision. Nonetheless, is it realistic for all family? My points of contention with the speaker involves the feasibility and implicaitons of the suggestion.

Parents can be profoundly involved in their children’s education when volunteering to the place where they spend most of their time. First of all, better understanding can foster better communication. After directly accessed to their children’s conversation with their peers, the music or stars children are obsessed with may not seem that(这个是中文用法吧,推荐用much) ridiculous. In addition, schools will be supervised. Parents’ presence is an effective way to prevent teacher’s mistakes like physical punishment or prejudice from happening. Also, school can collect candid advice from parents, after all ,no one can be more concerns of children’s benefits except for their own parents.((个人觉得你这一段逻辑性不是很强,你是要说参与的好处,那本段的首句就要更像主题句一点,而且主题句明确表明参与的好处,我觉得你的这个主题句没有能把你的小论点都算上。另外说实话,我觉得你不必要用那么多碎的论据,你可以抓住一个写细一点,要不然显得太肤浅,有点像托福作文了)

However, the smooth conduction of the suggestion needs a system agrees(ment,不应该用这个词吧,可以考虑avaliablity) with every parent’s schedule;on the other hand,compulsory volunteering means that parents have to spare time from their work ,which could increase their burden.Those two reasons can lead to lack of focus,both from school and parents, on children.

When parents do go(go去掉) volunteer in school,children and themselves may find it not that(同上) pleasant.I think school is the most primary place where children are educated outside their home.It is a place that children can argue with their teachers,joke with their peers,without their parents’ watching.From what I have seen and experienced, children,especially rebellious teenagers,do not want to share their campus life with their parents. Parents criticize children for their behaviors and children holds grudge,so parents’ appearance in school could exacerbate the discord between family members.(个人觉得这一段写的很好,主题句明确,结尾能对应,又有比较多的分析)

It may also deprive teachers of their license to choose the most suitable way to educate.Thanks to famous coach Omatsu Hirofum’s cruel way of training, Japanese female volleyball team gained 157 triumph in a roll, which is a global record till today.Successful coaches usually are harsh to their athletes, because idleness is a part of human nature and high requirement is a impactful way to control it. How to solve the divergence between educators and parents ? I think abundant room should be bestowe on professinals in school.(论据很好,但是为什么不再细一点分析这个论据和论点的关系呢,建议可以写如果家长参与很可能导致coach的失败)

While it is well-intended for the speakers to advise that voluntary time from parents is indispensable,I find it hard to conclude that the advantages is(outweigh是动词,前面不用is) outweigh the disadvantages, since different family have different situation. Admittedly,parents do need to occasionally visit the school so that they can be fully informed of their children’s education status.So I think a selective voluntary program provided by school is a flexible alternative.(我觉得你不必把观点总结的那么中间,gre作文应该不怕极端吧,只要你的文章逻辑性强即可,而且我觉得你的文章大部分在说缺点,而且连接词用的是however,这就决定了你的文章重心是在不同意,如果你想折中,做好用on the other hand 一类的连接词,并把正反论点写得平行一点)
以上都是个人观点,lz斟酌,另外祝lz杀g愉快

评分

参与人数 2大米 +83 收起 理由
q198800287 + 80 欢迎继续
oliviahuang + 3 感谢~

查看全部评分

回复

使用道具 举报

 楼主| oliviahuang 2013-8-16 11:46:06 | 显示全部楼层
本楼: 👍   0% (0)
 
 
0% (0)   👎
全局: 👍   100% (38)
 
 
0% (0)    👎
小样天黑了 发表于 2013-8-16 11:16

首先真是太感谢了,这么详细的修改,改得真好,我作文写得很少,语言逻辑真的有待加强。
这篇作文因为是高频,还是很用心写的,但是写的时候就有两个问题:
第一我不知道这个题怎么发散,所以就套用了一个思路:它不适合所有人(我的开头和结尾都写到了这个),但是我没有专门来写这个方面,不知道你觉得这是一个点吗?我应该分出一段来写还是每个论点都提到它一下?
第二是对于没时间没精力参加这个论点我不会展开,求教...
我是14FALL的,这个月31号考最后一次G,只有不到半个月了,作文是我的短板,这次不上3.5就只能伤心了,希望您能给我在提高作文方面指导一下..感谢
回复

使用道具 举报

小样天黑了 2013-8-16 12:02:04 | 显示全部楼层
本楼: 👍   0% (0)
 
 
0% (0)   👎
全局: 👍   98% (62)
 
 
1% (1)    👎
oliviahuang 发表于 2013-8-16 11:46
首先真是太感谢了,这么详细的修改,改得真好,我作文写得很少,语言逻辑真的有待加强。
这篇作文因为是 ...

没明白你的第一个问题,作文要高分,肯定是需要大量时间的啊,需要每个题目的提纲都很清楚,而且要有自己的素材库,这样拿到题目就可以直接开始写了,时间上就有保证。当时我准备的时候,作文花了好多时间。
回复

使用道具 举报

 楼主| oliviahuang 2013-8-16 12:45:43 | 显示全部楼层
本楼: 👍   0% (0)
 
 
0% (0)   👎
全局: 👍   100% (38)
 
 
0% (0)    👎
小样天黑了 发表于 2013-8-16 12:02
没明白你的第一个问题,作文要高分,肯定是需要大量时间的啊,需要每个题目的提纲都很清楚,而且要有自己 ...

这两个问题是针对我写的这篇ISSUE的:

第一我写到了强制父母volunteer不适用于所有家庭,这个作为一个论点好吗?应该分出一段来写还是每个论点都提到它一下?

第二是对于父母没时间没精力来学校这个论点我不会展开,就是具体怎么论证,求教...
回复

使用道具 举报

小样天黑了 2013-8-16 14:28:37 | 显示全部楼层
本楼: 👍   0% (0)
 
 
0% (0)   👎
全局: 👍   98% (62)
 
 
1% (1)    👎
oliviahuang 发表于 2013-8-16 12:45
这两个问题是针对我写的这篇ISSUE的:

第一我写到了强制父母volunteer不适用于所有家庭,这个作为一个 ...

关于第一个:一个分论点就用一段吧,而且你的这个论点并不是你的总体观点
关于第二个:父母没时间这个很好论证,可以顺便引用一个调查说明现在父母非常忙,这种比较宽泛的东西,还可以举小例子,实在没办法,就说自己的父母或者周围的朋友
回复

使用道具 举报

 楼主| oliviahuang 2013-8-16 21:31:47 | 显示全部楼层
本楼: 👍   0% (0)
 
 
0% (0)   👎
全局: 👍   100% (38)
 
 
0% (0)    👎
小样天黑了 发表于 2013-8-16 14:28
关于第一个:一个分论点就用一段吧,而且你的这个论点并不是你的总体观点
关于第二个:父母没时间这个很 ...

Thank you!

点评

感谢修改人 就个分呗 加分不扣自己的分  发表于 2013-8-16 22:01
回复

使用道具 举报

您需要登录后才可以回帖 登录 | 注册账号
隐私提醒:
  • ☑ 禁止发布广告,拉群,贴个人联系方式:找人请去🔗同学同事飞友,拉群请去🔗拉群结伴,广告请去🔗跳蚤市场,和 🔗租房广告|找室友
  • ☑ 论坛内容在发帖 30 分钟内可以编辑,过后则不能删帖。为防止被骚扰甚至人肉,不要公开留微信等联系方式,如有需求请以论坛私信方式发送。
  • ☑ 干货版块可免费使用 🔗超级匿名:面经(美国面经、中国面经、数科面经、PM面经),抖包袱(美国、中国)和录取汇报、定位选校版
  • ☑ 查阅全站 🔗各种匿名方法

本版积分规则

>
快速回复 返回顶部 返回列表