【独立】2011.11.19北美考题

. From 1point 3acres bbs
题目(2011/11/19北美考题)：Which is better, having a high-salary job but living away from your family members, or having a low-salary job but living with your family? (Job)

一些说明：
1、共409词。因为现在是练习阶段，所以没有限制时间，前后花费了3个小时完成，包括各种查字典和检索资料。最后一段的例子我翻了半天TED playlist才找到……
2、整体上文章是“一边倒”的观点，采用了“交锋式”的作文方法，即先批判反面观点，再建立我方的正面观点。
3、感觉到作文的语言运用其实并不是最难的问题，相反是寻找合适的论据以及合理的推理论述方式才是作文最大的难点。

文章：

(简单介绍社会背景，引出我方正面观点，但是以反方对立观点结尾，便于在第二段衔接反方观点的理由。)
As the transportation has well developed nowadays, it's becoming commonplace that people choose to live in another city far away from their family in pursuit of a high-salary job.  Although I still prefer to live with my family even I can only get a job with a lower salary, I know, of course, that some people do not agree with me.

(简述反方观点的各种理由中最重要的一两个。我这里提出两点：更多的钱可以带来更好的生活；和家人的联系可以靠高科技维持。)
    Many reasons can be found by these people to support their position.  One of the reasons they refer to the most says a well-paid job could improve the family living standard so as to live a good life, and it's not difficult to keep in touch with the family with the help of the advanced technologies such as live video chatting.

(批驳反方理由#1：更多的钱未必带来更快乐的生活，而“快乐”才能决定是否是“好”的生活。)
    They are not that wise at this point, however.  They need to reconsider the definition of "a good life".  As to me, "a good life" does not necessarily mean "a materially rich life", but means "a happy life".  It's true that, to some extent, a family must be supported by materials, mainly money in today's world.  But money just can't buy happiness, even Madonna the pop star, a self-proclaimed "Material Girl", the former symbol of materialism, agreed to this point in one of her books.

(批驳反方理由#2：依靠高科技无法维系亲人间的感情纽带，而这种感情纽带是带来家庭快乐的根本。)
    It's the emotional bond that keeps the family tight, solid and thus happy, and I believe such bond is poorly developed by only chatting with the family over the Internet or phone calls.  Instead, by, for example, embracing your parents before you go to work, reading story books for your daughter, and listening carefully to your wife's complaints, you are clearly delivering the message that you love these people, and they would also feel happy because of your love which could significantly bring the entire family tighter.  Such happiness is the real priceless thing, much more valuable than the additional money you earned from a high-salary job.(最后一句我认为很重要，因为需要和题目中的high-salary形成呼应。)

(用一个例子结尾，并间接暗示：即便有高工资的工作也要和家人在一起，从而进一步否定为了高工资的工作而离开家人的观点。)
    In a TED talk in 2011, Ric Elias, the CEO of a marketing service company, meanwhile a survivor from an air crash in 2009, shared the experience he got that eventually changed his view of life while the aeroplane was gliding down towards the Hudson River.  In the last several minutes of the talk, Ric said "I realized ... that the ONLY thing that matters in my life is being a great dad".  Ric has a job with a decent pay, but how could he become a great dad if he'd kept(我这里试图使用虚拟语气但不知道是否用对了……应该是对的……) living far away from his family?

Whichis better, having a high-salary job but living away from your family members,or having a low-salary job but living with your family? (Job)

As the transportation has been welldeveloped nowadays, it's becoming commonplace that people choose to live inanother city far away from their family in pursuit of a high-salary job.Although I still prefer to live with my family even I can only get a job with alower salary, I know, of course, that some people do not agree with me.

Many reasons can be found by these peopleto support their position. One they refer to the mostsays a well-paid job could improve the family living standard so as to live agood life, and it's not difficult to keep in touch with the family with thehelp of the advanced technologies such as live video chatting.

They are not that wise at this point,however. They need to reconsider the definition of "a good life". Asto me, "a good life" does not necessarily mean "a materiallyrich life", but means "a happy life".  It's true that, to some extent, a family mustbe supported by materials, mainly money in today's world. But money just can'tbuy happiness, even Madonna the pop star, a self-proclaimed "MaterialGirl", the former symbol of materialism(too much ornament??),agreed to this point in one of her books.

It's the emotional bond that keeps thefamily tight, solid and thus happy, and I believe such bond is poorly developedby only chatting with the family over the Internet or phone calls.  Instead, by, for example, embracing your parentsbefore you go to work, reading story books for your daughter, and listeningcarefully to your wife's complaints, you are clearly delivering the messagethat you love these people, and they would also feel happy because of your lovewhich could significantly bring the entire family tighter. Such happiness isthe real priceless thing, much more valuable than the additional money youearned from a high-salary job.

In a TED talk in2011, Ric Elias, the CEO of a marketing service company, meanwhile a survivorfrom an air crash in 2009, shared the experience he got that eventually changedhis view of life while the aeroplane was gliding down towards the Hudson River.In the last several minutes of the talk, Ric said "I realized ... that theONLY thing that matters in my life is being a great dad". Ric has a jobwith a decent pay, but how could he become a great dad if he'd kept living faraway from his family?

LZ文章写得好，自己分析得更好

注意一些小细节：

1、As the transportation has been well developed nowadays（交通应该是被发展而不是发展，或者以人为主语，发展交通……）

2、even Madonna the pop star, a self-proclaimed "Material Girl", the former symbol of materialism(too much ornament??)修饰好像有点太多了，让人有点抓不住的感觉

其它都挺好的

一家之言，还请大家批评指正

hdchina2010

2013-08-13

hdchina2010 发表于 2013-8-13 17:32
Whichis better, having a high-salary job but living away from your family members,or having a low-sa ...

多谢指正！
1. 对啊对啊，应该是 has been developed... 一时疏忽就犯二了……
2. 嗯，现在回头看看的确修饰太多了……把"Material Girl"和"symbol of materialism"留一下一个就可以了，因为两个都试图在说Madonna是一个物质主义者，不必重复。"the pop star"这个同位语我想最好不要去掉，因为虽然Madonna在美国应该是知名度很高，但最好还是用"the pop star"提醒一下考官，万一碰到个反应慢半拍的考官没有想起麦姐怎么办呢……

问个问题啊，用you 还是I，人称会有关系么？比如第四段。题目中问的是“你”怎么看，在论述的过程中换成以“我”来论述会不会好一些？

sarakaka 发表于 2013-8-14 15:17
问个问题啊，用you 还是I，人称会有关系么？比如第四段。题目中问的是“你”怎么看，在论述的过程中换成以“ ...

用I比较合适吧，毕竟独立写作问的是个人观点，那既然是我写文章，就应该用"I think", "I believe"这样的话了吧。

用"you"...我怎么觉得会很奇怪……

Ror 发表于 2013-8-14 15:47
用I比较合适吧，毕竟独立写作问的是个人观点，那既然是我写文章，就应该用"I think", "I believe"这样的话 ...

then那第四段可以改一下~