大家帮忙看看，楼主作文没有20。。

写在前面:本人两次托福考试，作文都没有20，不知道什么原因，写了一篇，求分析。多谢。。
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题目：15. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

In order to become financially responsible adults,children should learn to manage their own money at young age.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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40分钟写完的。

思路：

1.没理财会有坏处，乱花钱

2.学会理财对未来好

3.学会理财带来成就感和信心，帮助孩子在其他方面也成功

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Nowadays children always have a lot of money given byparents or owned by themselves. With lots of money in the pockets, it's moreand more important for children to learn how to manage their own money. If theycan learn it early, they can be likely to become financially responsible adultsin the future.

Children are so young that they can not control themselveswell. If they have lots of money to use without learn how to manage, they maydo something wrong. I have a friend named Steve when I was in middle school.Steve lived in a rich family and his parents gave him a lot of money to use. Buthe did not know how to use the money properly and one time he spent all themoney to bet and then lost all his money! It shocked his parents because as itwas really a large number of money. If Steve's parents can teach him how tomanage money, he may not do such wrong thing.

Learning how to use money can also contribute to the futureof the children. Children who learn to manage their money early can also knowto how to use their money properly when they grow up. For instance, a boy whoown his money and spend it carefully in order to buy his favorite bike willalso know how to make money to buy a house when he has a family. What's more,children learn things more quickly than adults and it's also hard for them toforget what they lean at the young age. Thus children can learn how to managemoney quickly, which will benefit their future life.

Also children can get a feeling of achievement from successin managing their money, which helps children gain confidence and bring a lothelp for other things. Let's say there is a girl who do bad in math and she isalways self-abased. Then her father gives her a lot of money and tells her thatshe will not give her anymore until 3 months later. So the girl has to learn touse this money to survive for the next three month. She finally make it and herparents all feel proud for her, even though it's just a little thing. However,this thing helps the girl to be more confident and then she improves her mathsuccessfully. Learning managing one's money is not so hard for children, but itcan bring confidence for them.

If we can learn how to manage when we are young, we are less likely to do wrongs things. Instead, we can benefit a lot from it and help usgain confidence to win and success.

我的修改：


Nowadays children always have a lot of money given by parents or owned by themselves. With lots of(lots of似乎是修饰可数名词的) money in the pockets, it's more and more important for children to learn how to manage their own money. If they can learn it early, they can be likely to become financially responsible adults in the future.

Children are so young that they can not control themselves well. If they have lots of money to use without learn(without doing sth. 因为without是介词) how to manage, they may do something wrong. I have a friend named Steve when I was in middle school.Steve lived in a rich family and his parents gave him a lot of money to use. But he did not know how to use the money properly and one time he spent all the money to bet and then lost all his money! It shocked his parents because as it was really a large number of money(a large amount of money, "a large number of"用来修饰可数名词). If Steve's parents can teach him how to manage money, he may not do such wrong thing(such a wrong thing).

Learning how to use money can also contribute to the future of the children. Children who learn to manage their money early can also know to how to use their money properly when they grow up. For instance, a boy who own(owns, 主谓要一致) his money and spend(spends, 主谓要一致) it carefully in order to buy his favorite bike will also know how to make money to buy a house when he has a family. What's more,children learn things more quickly than adults and it's also hard for them to forget what they lean(learn, 少敲了一个字母？) at the young age. Thus children can learn how to manage money quickly, which will benefit their future life.

Also children can get a feeling of achievement from success in managing their money, which helps children gain confidence and bring a lot(a lot of) help for other things. Let's say there is a girl who do(does, 主谓一致) bad in math and she is always self-abased. Then her father gives her a lot of money and tells her that she will not give her anymore until 3 months later. So the girl has to learn to use this money to survive for the next three month(months). She finally make(makes) it and her parents all(both, 因为all表示3个或3个以上的数量，both表示两个人。一般家庭的parents都是父+母两个人，故用both) feel proud for her, even though it's just a little thing. However,this thing helps the girl to be more confident and then she improves her math successfully. Learning managing one's money is not so hard for children, but it can bring confidence for them.

If we can learn how to manage when we are young, we are less likely to do wrongs things. Instead, we can benefit a lot from it and help us gain confidence to win and success(succeed, 这里的win是动词，所以其并列的结构也应该用动词succeed而不是名词success).

说一说整体印象，说得直白一些，楼主莫怪：

1、上面我把能找到的语法、词法上的错误挑了出来，说实在话错得有点多。尤其是主谓一致这个问题上犯错多次，需要补习一下这个地方的知识。假设我是考官，可能面对这样的文章至多给25分了。但这并不是导致楼主分不高的根本原因。

2、文章在用词上很显“重复”。通读一遍后，感觉楼主用了大量的"money", "manage", "thing"这样的词，比如在Steve那个例子的段落中，楼主在几句话之内多次用了money，显得很重复，这导致评分继续下降。

3、文章在句式上不够丰富，基本采用了直白的陈述句，而且每个句子都比较短。即便是前后有比较紧密的一些句子，也没有适当地通过连词或者变换成定语从句等方式进行表达。另外“同位语”和“插入语”也是提高表现力的方法。句式的不丰富会降低评分。

4、最关键的问题，可能还是文章的逻辑性不够强。具体说来：
1). 文章的主旨就是要论证第一段末尾的那句话：如果孩子能从小学习理财，将来会成长为一个在财务上负责的大人。Steve那个段落的例子最后却没有点到这一点上。楼主最好最后再明确点明：如果Steve从小能变成一个对自己财务负责的人，那么没有理由不相信认为他长大后也会成为一个financially responsible person.这样能呼应题目。不要把这个推理过程留给考官。
2). 第3段中：个人对"children learn more quickly"这个论点表示怀疑。从我个人的经验来看，理财是比较复杂的工程，因为需要计算预期收益率，需要比较各种不同的投资方案，还需要评估未来可能面对的财务风险。这些东西小孩学起来我想是很吃力的。但是如果从小开始学习，即便只能进行简单粗糙的管理，也会让孩子培养正确的财务观念和习惯，而这样的观念和习惯可以让其长大后更好地处理个人/家庭财务，避免财务危机。所以如果我来写的话，我会把重点放在“从小培养正确的财务观念有助于长大后对财务负责(responsible，再一次扣题)，避免财务危机”。
3). 第4段中：个人感觉用这种假设的例子（估计就是所谓“头脑实验”）的话说服力不够强……放在中国的环境下：首先小孩学习的小学和初中的math已经涉及比较深的知识了；其次小孩能学习的理财用到的数学知识应该不会多，可能四则运算就基本够了；所以小孩通过理财提高数学成绩这个推理有点……过于牵强……当然，放在外国的环境下他们小孩从小学习的数学就过于简单，通过理财提高数学成绩估计还真有可能……
4). 总体说来，论述与论点的呼应还不够紧密，会让考官难以得到那种边看文章边说“啊哈~就是这么回事”的感觉。这也会让考官印象下降。

5、所以，由于#1，分数就到25分以下了；经过#2、#3，就到20分左右了；再经过#4，就到20分以下了。

6、一些建议：
1). 解决#1: 楼主可以多发文章请别人帮忙批改，甚至可以发出文章明确告诉别人只改语法问题。这在短期内应该会容易发现自己语法上的漏洞，便于补上。
2). 解决#2: 解决“重复”问题有两个办法，一个是多记忆可以互换通用的词汇、短语，这个可以通过阅读高分作文学习；二是学习使用代词it/them等；三是采用“正话反说”的方式，例如"manage the money"的另一种说法就是"not waste the money", "do good"的另一个说法就是"not do evil"。在本文中，我建议适当使用代词和“正话反说”的方式来减轻“重复”。
3). 解决#3：这个提高就较慢了，必须得多读范文。平时做阅读的时候也可以注意人家的较复杂、较长的句子是如何构造的，其实就是读书破万卷下笔如有神。
4). 解决#4：坦白地说我是因为现在没有限时所以可以把论述什么的想得比较细，真要在考场上30分钟内我估计也会犯晕……楼主平时多注意收集一些例子，便于增强说服力。

另外在楼主原有思路的基础上尝试着修改一些段落作为例子：

第一段：
As the living standard continuously rises in the society, nowadays more and more children have a lot of money given by their parents or other relatives("or owned by themselves"似乎有点重复，毕竟这些钱也是长辈给的啊).  With money in pocket(我也不知道为什么，总觉得这样说更顺...), it's more and more important for children to learn how to use it(用代词避免多次使用money) wisely, because the earlier they start to learn, the more likely the would become financially responsible adults in the future.(用because表明前后两句的关系，并由此形成一个更复杂的长句；同时通过"the more..., the more..."这样的句式变换来提高句式的丰富性)

第二段：
Children would possibly waste the money if they have a lot but not learned how to use wisely because they are usually too young to control their desires for interesting toys, funny story books or delicious snacks, etc. (变换句式：将结果提前，然后用if连接发生此结果的条件，再用because连接创造此条件的原因，同时通过具体的原因，避免了"can not control themselves well"这样抽象的表述。同时用"waste the money"替代"do something wrong"这种过于抽象的表述)  Take Steve, my friend in middle school(用同位语增加句式变换), for instance.  Steve lived in a rich family and his parents often gave him a lot of pocket money.  Unfortunately Steve didn't know how to use the money properly so he spent much of it buying toys or playing video games(还是避免抽象描述，尽量具体化，另外也是想在给出赌博这么重磅的例子前给读者一个心理缓冲，不然一上来就赌博稍显夸张……).  He once lost all his money in a gambling game, which(通过定语从句连接两个句子) shocked his parents because it was really a large amount of money.  If Steve formed the habit of spending money arbitrarily, how could we expect him to behave responsibly for his personal finance after he grows up?

Ror 发表于 2013-8-14 16:17
我的修改：

昨天晚上忙着阅读和听写， 没能即使回复。
这毛病挑得条条有道理又犀利，其实我也感觉自己存在这样那样的毛病，只是很多说不出来，果然你一点，我就反应过来了。给的意见也很在理，多谢！
真的是太久没写文章了，还需要加强学习。多组长的指导！