PS求改、求删减、求建议~谢谢！！！

本科是交通运输方向的，想去美国读交通工程。SOP就是开头、中间三段“研究”经历（一个是帮老师翻译文章、一个是大作业课程设计、然后是交通科技大赛）、结尾段落，似乎没有什么结构可言，写的时候也是每段分写然后简单的拼在了一起，现在想改却又不知道怎么贯穿了。跪求好心人帮忙看一下~任何建议我都会很感激的~~ thanx a lot~

Statementof Purpose

I grew up in a family with my father, atalented engineer, my mother, a beloved English teacher, their undoubting loveand education for me make me who I am. To this day, I still remember all thosenights when I got back home from the playground finding my father in his deskdrawing with pencils on those white neat papers or thoughtfully erasingsomething out with a long yellow eraser. Back then, I didn’t know exactly whathe was doing, but there was a feeling so strong like a voice calling out frommy heart: that’s your old man’s profession, and one day yours as well.

In 2010, I was admitted to the South ChinaUniversity of Technology, one of the key universities in China, also known as “acradle of engineers”, and began pursuing my dream as a transportation engineer.In the coming year, I got a chance to help the head-teacher of my major, HaoXiaoni, with a project about the dispatching of buses in a parking lot, toallocate parking spaces to buses in a way that makes them ready for departurethe next morning with the minimum maneuvers. This was my first experience to bea part of a research and as it turned out the start of my ever-growing enthusiasmfor the field of transportation. My main job was to translate articles aboutthe dispatching of buses or trams, one of which was 14 pages long. At first, Ifound it extremely hard with all the professional terms and unfamiliar algorithms;however, no one could call off my desire to explore what’s inside those papersat that time, I studied the papers word by word, took notes of every new termand searched the internet as well as discussed with my teacher about themodels, such as the application of QAP (Quadratic Assignment Problem). The joyand excitement of every time I understood something new encouraged me to diveinto the following part of the paper. Weeks later, when I offered my teacherwith the translation, I could feel the growth in me, not only the knowledge butalso the passion for transportation, and this experience served well for myacademic performance, because I knew what I learn through classes could make adifference in our everyday life.

A few months later, I participated in aresearch project initiated by a doctor in my department evaluating a certainroad in Guangzhou by doing traffic volume, speed and delay surveys. I wasselected to be one of the leaders of my class and once again I was thrilledabout it, since it was an opportunity for me to do research in the downtownroad, which was the focus of transportation. In order to make sure things goingsmoothly as expected, I took my group of 10 students to check the road the daybefore, and assigned everybody his job (counting pedestrian, bicycle andvehicle volume in every direction of an intersection as well as recording videoat three consecutive intersections). Because of the full preparation, my groupcollected the data with both efficiency and high accuracy, which was vital tothe following work of data processing and analyzing, since the quality of theinput data dictates the value of the program. The processing of raw data reallytaught me a lot, for example, I was at first very frustrated thinking about theestimation of the journey speed of thousands of cars. Then I learned to use VBprogramming to select and calculate data in Excel, to select the same licensefrom three rows of data and calculate the speeds according to their time of appearanceand the distance between recording spots, meanwhile, it weeded out the invaliddata by not calculating them. During this program, through discussion with somegraduates, I realized that, as a transportation hub of Southern China, GuangZhou was the leading city as to the development of its ITS platform, such asthe advanced public transportation system (bus, subway and BRT), theintelligent parking management system, etc. Yet there were still plentyproblems remained to be solved, such as congestion during rush hours or thesafety condition of pedestrians, and I learned to see things more critically inorder to find researchable issues.

In the winter of 2012, hot debates about animproper yet incredibly common behavior, the so called “Chinese style roadcrossing”, which refers to large crowds of people crossing road in disobedienceof red lights, were everywhere. One time when I used the pedestrian push-buttonat a crossroad and it occurred to me that maybe this kind of human-orientedfacility could lead to the right solution for the problem, since the deepcontradiction between pedestrians and motor vehicles on distribution of right-of-wayis what really behind this phenomenon of jaywalking. After sharing my thoughtswith four of my classmates, we decided to work on the optimization of signalcontrol based on pedestrian-oriented crossing and sign up for the NACTranS, an academiccompetition for college students of transportation engineering from all overthe country. The three-month research was a memorable period of my collegelife, an experience that increased the breadth of my knowledge about theapplication of transportation to solve real-life problems, as well as a lessonthat taught me what it takes to be a professional researcher. In order toobtain a strategy for the signal control system, for an entire month, we buriedourselves in countless brainstorming, consulting with teachers, and studying papersfrom library or online. With every meeting or newly uncovered information, wemade a relative revision about the procedure or parameters of the strategyuntil the point where everyone seemed satisfied. During the course of making a simulationof a section of Yanling Road, Guang Zhou, where large flow of people andvehicles were generated by the nearby Tianhe Passenger Station, I spent twoweeks in school’s computer room operating VISSIM with its instruction book, andstudying its function to simulate actuated signal control as well as using VBprogramming to exploit VISSIM COM to receive evaluation data, such aspedestrian and vehicle delay. This was a crucial part of the research andrequired scrutiny and accuracy in every detail. For instance, we created threekinds of pedestrian flow, small and medium flow, which was normal according tothe data we collected, as well as a relatively larger one to test thereliability of our strategy. In the end, we came up with a signal control systemcombining video detection as well as loop detection, and the evaluation resultsof Yanling Road showed that it remarkably cut down the pedestrian delay withoutmuch influence to the movement of vehicles. As I look back, it is the cooperationand fully involvement of all members of the team that keep us workingefficiently, and it is the passion for transportation as well as the thirst tolearn more that provide us vigor to persist.

I know perfectly well that I still have along way towards my dream, and I’m planning on going as far as I can. I amdeeply drawn to the outstanding research faculty and advanced facilities ofyour school and I hope with my solid background of academic training andsufficient research experiences, as well as a clear goal to become a transportationengineer, I can be admitted as a member of your graduate program to further mystudy there.

自己顶一个、

咳咳、、、

I grew up in a family with my father is a talented engineer and he has set up good examples that provide strength for a life time. , my mother, a beloved English teacher, their undoubting loveand education for me make me who I am. To this day, I still remember all thosenights when I got back home from the playground finding my father in his deskdrawing with pencils on those white neat papers or thoughtfully erasingsomething out with a long yellow eraser. Back then, I didn’t know exactly whathe was doing, but there was a feeling so strong like a voice calling out frommy heart: that’s I have always wanted to be an engineer like my your old man’s profession, and one day yours as well.(个人比较prefer剪短to the point的开头和结尾)

In 2010, I was admitted to the South ChinaUniversity of Technology, one of the key universities in China, also known as “acradle of engineers”, and began pursuing my dream as a transportation engineer.In the coming year（简历上可以了解的信息）, As a transportation engineering undergraduate, I got a chance to help the head-teacher of my major(the department?), HaoXiaoni, with a project about the dispatching of buses in a parking lot, to allocate parking spaces to buses in a way that makes them ready for departurethe next morning with the minimum maneuvers(这句话好长哈，建议拆分为一些短句子。). This was my first experience to bea part of a research and as it turned out the start of my ever-growing enthusiasmfor the field of transportation. My main job was to translate articles aboutthe dispatching of buses or trams, one of which was 14 pages long. At first, Ifound it extremely hard with all the professional terms and unfamiliar algorithms;however, no one could call off my desire to explore what’s inside those papersat that time, I studied the papers word by word, took notes of every new termand searched the internet as well as discussed with my teacher about themodels, such as the application of QAP (Quadratic Assignment Problem). The joy and excitement of every time I understood something new encouraged me to diveinto the following part of the paper. Weeks later, when I offered my teacherwith the translation, I could feel the growth in me, not only the knowledge butalso the passion for transportation, and this experience served well for myacademic performance, because I knew what I learn through classes could make adifference in our everyday life.

关于翻译的这一部分，我不知道有没有必要写得这么详细。因为我读研的时候，翻译过大头部的书，所以觉得翻译不算亮点，我的感觉是，这样的描写其实弱化了你其他的内容。我觉得可以直接写成你参与这个项目，然后这个项目的成果怎么样，多用一些你们的专业术语。

A few months later, I participated in aresearch In another project directed by a doctor XX(name) , I evaluated a certain road in Guangzhou by doing traffic volume, speed and delay surveys. I was selected to be one of the leaders of my class and once again I was thrilledabout it, since it was an opportunity for me to do research in the downtownroad, which was the focus of transportation(这个地方的描述有点confuse我。这个也是这个project的一部分吗？). In order to make sure things going smoothly as expected, I took my group of 10 students to check the road the day before, and assigned everybody his job (counting pedestrian, bicycle andvehicle volume in every direction of an intersection as well as recording videoat three consecutive intersections). Because of the full preparation, my group collected the data with both efficiency and high accuracy, which was vital tothe following work of data processing and analyzing, since the quality of the input data dictates the value of the program. The processing of raw data really taught me a lot, for example, I was at first very frustrated thinking about the estimation of the journey speed of thousands of cars. In order to process data efficiently, I taught myself Then I learned to use VB programming to select and calculate data in Excel, to select the same license from three rows of data and calculate the speeds according to their time of appearanceand the distance between recording spots, meanwhile, it weeded out the invaliddata by not calculating them. During this program, through discussion with somegraduates, I realized that, as a transportation hub of Southern China, GuangZhou was the leading city as to the development of its ITS platform, such asthe advanced public transportation system (bus, subway and BRT), the intelligent parking management system, etc. Yet there were still plenty problems remained to be solved, such as congestion during rush hours or the safety condition of pedestrians, and I learned to see things more critically in order to find researchable issues.

In the winter of 2012, hot debates about animproper yet incredibly common behavior, the so called “Chinese style roadcrossing”, which refers to large crowds of people crossing road in disobedienceof red lights, were everywhere. One time when I used the pedestrian push-button at a crossroad and it occurred to me that maybe this kind of human-oriented facility could lead to the right solution for the problem, since the deep contradiction between pedestrians and motor vehicles on distribution of right-of-way is what really behind this phenomenon of jaywalking. Keep this thought in my mind, with four of my classmates, I started to After sharing my thought swith four of my classmates, we decided to work on the optimization of signalcontrol based on pedestrian-oriented crossing and sign up for the NACTranS, an academiccompetition for college students of transportation engineering from all over the country. The three-month research was a memorable period of my college life, an experience that increased the breadth of my knowledge about the application of transportation to solve real-life problems, as well as a lessonthat taught me what it takes to be a professional researcher(So could you tell me exactly what it takes to be professional researchers? if you know the answer, why not go straightforward to the answer? We need specific details and defined ideas, not generalities. Everyone can say they are hardworking, how can you convince your readers that you are who you say you are?). In order to obtain a strategy for the signal control system, for an entire month, we("we" is a bad word in my mind. It makes me think that you could be a free rider. Why not for "I"? ) buried ourselves in countless brainstorming, consulting with teachers, and studying papersfrom library or online. With every meeting or newly uncovered information, we made a relative revision about the procedure or parameters of the strategy until the point where everyone seemed（这些在我看来都是减值的词汇。） satisfied. During the course of making a simulation of a section of Yanling Road, Guang Zhou, where large flow of people andvehicles were generated by the nearby Tianhe Passenger Station, I spent twoweeks in school’s computer room operating VISSIM with its instruction book, andstudying its function to simulate actuated signal control as well as using VBprogramming to exploit VISSIM COM to receive evaluation data, such aspedestrian and vehicle delay. This was a crucial part of the research andrequired scrutiny and accuracy in every detail. For instance(people want highlights in your SOP, not every details.), we created threekinds of pedestrian flow, small and medium flow, which was normal according tothe data we collected, as well as a relatively larger one to test thereliability of our strategy. In the end, we came up with a signal control systemcombining video detection as well as loop detection, and the evaluation resultsof Yanling Road showed that it remarkably cut down the pedestrian delay withoutmuch influence to the movement of vehicles. As I look back, it is the cooperation and fully involvement of all members of the team that keep us working efficiently, and it is the passion for transportation as well as the thirst to learn more that provide us vigor to persist（太general了，就好比：I learned the importance of hardword).

I know perfectly well that I still have along way towards my dream, and I’m planning on going as far as I can. I am deeply drawn to the outstanding research faculty and advanced facilities of your school. and I hope with my solid background of academic training and sufficient research experiences, as well as a clear goal to become a transportationengineer make me a fit candidate for this program. , I can be admitted as a member of your graduate program to further mystudy there.

说点看法。

1.感觉可能受英文写作水平限制，感情流露不是非常自然。有些地方比较Chinglish。这个最后再修改好了

2.好多句子太长了，可读性直接降低。建议把句子改一下，少用一些定语从句。

3.最后一段你有句话说你对未来有一个clear goal，感觉这个在SOP里没有体现出来。可以写写啊，你到底想干什么

4.建议尽量不要用一些消极以及不确定的词汇，比如文中用"we","seem","perhaps"等等。This is science, or prove it or disprove it. There is nothing in between. 用这些词汇让人感觉你不自信。

5. 整体结构感觉还是不错的，比较清晰。你申请PHD吗？好多研究

关键点：真情流露+不要过分吹嘘+你做过的项目如何shape的现在的你，以及将来的你+未来的goal

PS: 应邀来给点意见。同申请，最近准备东西也比较忙哎，所以看得比较粗。I wish you success!

万分感谢！！你真太好了、后面一定offer多多~
1、那个“I”换“we”建议一针见血啊、因为我在这个项目里不是leader所以显得不自信、但绝不是freerider、只是我们分工比较明确、写的时候也在纠结、看你改后启发很大
2、其实写的时候每个想表达的特质都有相应的描述、但感觉生生接起来太僵硬了、所以用了那些generalities想贯穿连接起来、现在知道问题所在、虽然还挺困惑、但会改的
3、我申请master的、除了最后一段的项目参加了比赛、其余两个都不是真正的研究、翻译和课程设计而已。。之所以“研究”多、其实是不自信、因为其他方面并不出众、所以寄希望于研究经历的描写、不太敢在ps里写别的东西。。。有好的建议么、除研究外还需要写什么可以加分呢、

顺其自然123 发表于 2013-10-28 23:29
I grew up in a family with my father is a talented engineer and he has set up good examp ...

万分感谢！！你真太好了、后面一定offer多多~
1、那个“I”换“we”建议一针见血啊、因为我在这个项目里不是leader所以显得不自信、但绝不是freerider、只是我们分工比较明确、写的时候也在纠结、看你改后启发很大
2、其实写的时候每个想表达的特质都有相应的描述、但感觉生生接起来太僵硬了、所以用了那些generalities想贯穿连接起来、现在知道问题所在、虽然还挺困惑、但会改的
3、我申请master的、除了最后一段的项目参加了比赛、其余两个都不是真正的研究、翻译和课程设计而已。。之所以“研究”多、其实是不自信、因为其他方面并不出众、所以寄希望于研究经历的描写、不太敢在ps里写别的东西。。。有好的建议么、除研究外还需要写什么可以加分呢、

Silent_monkey 发表于 2013-10-29 09:42
万分感谢！！你真太好了、后面一定offer多多~
1、那个“I”换“we”建议一针见血啊、因为我在这个项目里不 ...

我觉得可以把你的规划写的具体一些,what are you gonna do with this degree?你这个专业 解决道路设计效率等问题的吗？也许可以写写中国交通体制不健全，需要完善的地方啊，你有志于解决这些问题，所以需要这样的一个degree。不过我也是外行。

顺其自然123 发表于 2013-10-29 10:41
我觉得可以把你的规划写的具体一些,what are you gonna do with this degree?你这个专业 解决道路设计效率 ...

嗯、我对未来其实还没有特明确的规划。。。看来还是要静下来想一想。。。谢啦、我虽然不是什么大牛。。但有什么需要帮助的just let me know~

Silent_monkey 发表于 2013-10-29 10:53
嗯、我对未来其实还没有特明确的规划。。。看来还是要静下来想一想。。。谢啦、我虽然不是什么大牛。。但 ...

Silent_monkey 发表于 2013-10-29 10:53
嗯、我对未来其实还没有特明确的规划。。。看来还是要静下来想一想。。。谢啦、我虽然不是什么大牛。。但 ...

你是华工的？华中科技大学吗？我们还是校友哇