申请接近尾声，重写ps，求各位有经验的小伙伴帮看！！！

前段时间联系了个教授，人家表示对我的经历感兴趣，说是申上以后可以去实验室找他一起做项目，然后我就打算申请这个项目了。仔细研究了下这个教授带的实验室研究的方向，发现跟我想学的比较match，但是问题来了，之前申的项目基本都是授课型的，这个是研究型的，之前的ps不太能用了，太general，然后我就根据项目的情况，重新写了一份ps，求各位帮忙看看可不可行。
项目的ps要求

This part of the overall application carries an extremely important weight and the ones that are written in a clear and focused manner will be favored. Namely, upon reading it, an evaluator/faculty should get a crisp idea as to:

• Why is it that you would like to work in a particular major/specialization/topic and with a particular faculty as your adviser (for MS applicants this could be a project or thesis adviser)?
• Why is it that a particular faculty should be interested in having you as an advisee?
• [size=15.1999998092651px]In each case, a successful applicant will provide a good balance between background, vision, and desiderata.
  

[size=15.1999998092651px]教授的方向是这样的
The explosive growth of the Internet and the distributed systems that build upon it are exposing the limits in our understanding of how to build networked systems, what the underlying network looks like, how people interact in these environments, and even the research model we should apply to explore these issues. My work is motivated by these challenges. I am particularly interested in the measurement, analysis and design of Internet-scale. Much of my work focuses on improving the visibility of measurement of networked systems and leveraging this visibility to characterize distributed systems, networks and their interactions, and design new and improved systems based on the gained insight.

我的ps：

Choosing to continue graduatestudy in xx(选的项目方向) is not an easy decision for me, especiallyconsidering that I have been working in IT industry for five years. In theinitial stage of my career development when I worked as a software developmentengineer and a quality assurance engineer, there were rarely much technicaldifficulties that were too difficult to overcome. However, after I was promotedto be a product manager of distributed systems two years ago, I had more jobresponsibilities and began to consistently encounter technical challenges likesuccessfully designing networked systems with users’ requirements which beyondthe scope of my professional expertise. Upon thorough consideration, I decidethat it is time for me to take a break from work, go to graduate school torefresh myself with advanced and systematic learning in my professional fieldand to do some deep research on topics that are relevant to my career. Ibelieve this graduate study experience will be invaluable to my future careerdevelopment.

My keen interests in designingnetworked systems is not fully developed until I became a product manager ofE-commerce systems which are distributed cluster-based with high performance. Ihave to lead software development projects from concept through requirementsanalysis, user survey, data analysis, interaction design and performanceevaluation. And I am fascinated with improving the performance of systems bystudying user behaviors. Our systems’ capacity had increased more than fortypercent after applying theories about user habits on the Internet to ourwebsites which triggered my passion to do more research on user behaviorpatterns for improving user conversion rate. I found that people in differentages and profession have totally different shopping behaviors on the Internet andwe should design our systems based on our main users’ usage patterns andhabits.

Although I had accumulatedquite a bit system designing experience, my expertise in user behavior patternsand how to connect these patterns with specific systems for providing betteruser service is not enough to support my further step in my career. Due tothis, I sometime had difficulties in making informed decisions in our systemsdesign. For instance, at the beginning of this year, my team designed a recommendation system based on different kinds of users and usingenvironment for improving user conversion rate. But the result was far lessthan our expectation since we lacked enough efficient researches on userbehavior. With twoyears’ product manager experience, I realized that understanding user behavioris vital in systems design. So I hope that I can return to academia to study and do system research on the interaction between userbehavior and commercial products.

My career goal is to fullyunderstand people’s requirements in distributed systems and networks and designeffective networked systems which can make people’s life more convenient. Iwant to continue my studies at Northwestern because it has a fascinating lab, xx(实验室名称),which focusing on xx(实验室研究方向) and with professorxx(联系过的教授) whom I have already contacted with and I am extremelyinterested in his research areas. I strongly believe your program vision andmission lines up very well with my professional ambitions and careerdevelopment goals. I am absolutely willing to join your program to embark onthe next chapter of my life.   

Choosing to continue graduate study in XX is not an easy decision for me, especially considering that I have been working in IT industry for five years. In the initial stage of my career development, when I worked as a software development engineer and a quality assurance engineer, there were barely any technical problems that proved too difficult to overcome. However, two years ago, after I was promoted to product manager of distributed systems, I had more job responsibilities and began to consistently encounter technical challenges, like how to successfully design networked systems according to users’ requests that were beyond the scope of my professional expertise. Upon thorough deliberation, I decided that it is time for me to take a break from work, go to a graduate school to equip myself with advanced and systematic knowledge in my professional field, and conduct some in-depth research on topics relevant to my career. I believe this experience of graduate study will be highly invaluable to my future career development.


My keen interest in designing networked systems is not fully developed until I became a product manager of E-commerce systems, which are distributed cluster-based (这里不太懂，你自己再改改) with high performance. I had to lead and supervise the software development projects from concept to requirement analysis, user survey, data analysis, interaction design and performance evaluation. I was fascinated with the improvement of the systems performance by studying user behaviors. Our systems’ capacity had increased more than forty percent after I applied theories about online user habits to our websites, which triggered my passion to do more research on user behavior patterns to improve user conversion rates. I found that people in varying ages and professions have totally different shopping behaviors on the Internet, and we should design our systems accordingly.


Although I have accumulated quite a lot of experience in systems design, my expertise in user behavior patterns and how to connect these patterns with specific systems to provide better user service, is not enough to support my further step in career. Because of this reason, I sometimes had difficulties in making informed decisions in our systems design. For instance, at the beginning of this year, my team designed a recommendation system based on different kinds of users and using environment to improve user conversion rate(这里不太懂，你自己再改改). But the result was far worse than our expectation since we lacked enough knowledge on user behaviors. With two years’ experience as a product manager, I realized that understanding user behaviors is extremely vital in systems design. So I hope I can return to academia to study the interaction between user behaviors and commercial products, and conduct relevant research.


My career goal is to fully understand people’s requirements in distributed systems and networks, and to design effective networked systems that can make people’s life more convenient. I want to continue my studies at Northwestern because it has a fascinating lab, XX, which focuses on XX, and because I am extremely interested in the research areas of Professor XX, whom I have already contacted. I firmly believe your program objectives and contents(我不确定你想要表达的意思) fit well with my professional ambitions and career  goals. I am absolutely determined to join your program to embark on the next chapter of my life.   

Choosing to continue graduate study in XX is not an easy decision for me, especially considering that I have been working in IT industry for five years. In the initial stage of my career development, when I worked as a software development engineer and a quality assurance engineer, there were barely any technical problems that proved too difficult to overcome. However, two years ago, after I was promoted to product manager of distributed systems, I had more job responsibilities and began to consistently encounter technical challenges, like how to successfully design networked systems according to users’ requests that were beyond the scope of my professional expertise. Upon thorough deliberation, I decided that it is time for me to take a break from work, go to a graduate school to acquaint myself with advanced and systematic knowledge in my professional field, and do some in-depth research on topics relevant to my career. I believe this experience of graduate study will be highly invaluable to my future career development.


My keen interest in designing networked systems is not fully developed until I became a product manager of E-commerce systems, which are distributed cluster-based (这里不太懂，你自己再改改) with high performance. I had to lead and supervise the software development projects from concept to requirement analysis, user survey, data analysis, interaction design and performance evaluation. I was fascinated with the improvement of the systems performance by studying user behaviors. Our systems’ capacity had increased more than forty percent after I applied theories about online user habits to our websites, which triggered my passion to do more research on user behavior patterns to improve user conversion rates. I found that people in varying ages and professions have totally different shopping behaviors on the Internet, and we should design our systems accordingly.


Although I have accumulated quite a lot of experience in systems design, my expertise in user behavior patterns and how to connect these patterns with specific systems to provide better user service, is not enough to support my further step in career. Because of this reason, I sometimes had difficulties in making informed decisions in our systems design. For instance, at the beginning of this year, my team designed a recommendation system based on different kinds of users and using environment to improve user conversion rate(这里不太懂，你自己再改改). But the result was far worse than our expectation since we lacked enough knowledge on user behaviors. With two years’ experience as a product manager, I realized that understanding user behaviors is extremely vital in systems design. So I hope I can return to academia to study the interaction between user behaviors and commercial products, and conduct relevant research.


My career goal is to fully understand people’s requirements in distributed systems and networks, and to design effective networked systems that can make people’s life more convenient. I want to continue my studies at Northwestern because it has a fascinating lab, XX, which focuses on XX, and because I am extremely interested in the research areas of Professor XX, whom I have already contacted. I firmly believe your program objectives and contents(我不确定你想要表达的意思) fit well with my professional ambitions and career  goals. I am absolutely determined to join your program to embark on the next chapter of my life.   

Choosing to continue graduate study in XX is not an easy decision for me, especially considering that I have been working in IT industry for five years. In the initial stage of my career development, when I worked as a software development engineer and a quality assurance engineer, there were barely any technical problems that proved too difficult to overcome. However, two years ago, after I was promoted to product manager of distributed systems, I had more job responsibilities and began to consistently encounter technical challenges, like how to successfully design networked systems according to users’ requests that were beyond the scope of my professional expertise. Upon thorough deliberation, I decided that it is time for me to take a break from work, go to a graduate school to equip myself with advanced and systematic knowledge in my professional field, and conduct some in-depth research on topics relevant to my career. I believe this experience of graduate study will be highly invaluable to my future career development.


My keen interest in designing networked systems was not fully developed until I became a product manager of E-commerce systems, which are distributed cluster-based (这里不太懂，你自己再改改) with high performance. I had to lead and supervise the software development projects from concept to requirement analysis, user survey, data analysis, interaction design and performance evaluation. I was fascinated with the improvement of the systems performance by studying user behaviors. Our systems’ capacity had increased more than forty percent after I applied theories about online user habits to our websites, which triggered my passion to do more research on user behavior patterns to improve user conversion rates. I found that people in varying ages and professions have totally different shopping behaviors on the Internet, and we should design our systems accordingly.


Although I have accumulated quite a lot of experience in systems design, my expertise in user behavior patterns and how to connect these patterns with specific systems to provide better user service, is not enough to support my further step in career. Because of this reason, I sometimes had difficulties in making informed decisions in our systems design. For instance, at the beginning of this year, my team designed a recommendation system based on different kinds of users and using environment to improve user conversion rate(这里不太懂，你自己再改改). But the result was far worse than our expectation since we lacked enough knowledge on user behaviors. With two years’ experience as a product manager, I realized that understanding user behaviors is extremely vital in systems design. So I hope I can return to academia to study the interaction between user behaviors and commercial products, and conduct relevant research.


My career goal is to fully understand people’s requirements in distributed systems and networks, and to design effective networked systems that can make people’s life more convenient. I want to continue my studies at Northwestern because it has a fascinating lab, XX, which focuses on XX, and because I am extremely interested in the research areas of Professor XX, whom I have already contacted. I firmly believe your program objectives and contents(我不确定你想要表达的意思) fit well with my professional ambitions and career  goals. I am absolutely determined to join your program to embark on the next chapter of my life.

补充内容 (2016-2-12 00:07):
以最后一个版本为准。我已经改了很多时态和单复数，也稍稍换了一些词语，使得用词更为恰当。
住promote sb to sth 当中，sth前面不需要加冠词a

自顶下，求小伙伴支招

楼主非常棒啊！首先在工作5年后有这样的决心重拾高等教育！胆识非常棒棒哒！！
同时，楼主的英语文笔也非常老练！读起来非常顺口，非常地道，有种母语的风范！！总之非常棒！
只不过有些时态问题，但几乎不影响阅读和欣赏！！

补充内容 (2016-2-11 14:52):
还有个别单复数问题

myproudname 发表于 2016-2-12 00:02
Choosing to continue graduate study in XX is not an easy decision for me, especially considering tha ...

谢谢帮我看，中文是你的疑问是么

yanmorenshijian 发表于 2016-2-12 00:06
谢谢帮我看，中文是你的疑问是么

英文是我帮你改好的部分，中文是我的疑问

myproudname 发表于 2016-2-17 21:48
这么认真地修改，求加大米啊！！！！！！！！！！

不知道怎么加啊……

楼主PS写这么好，为什么AW才3.5啊？