cs ms PS 求改

背景美本
有的词汇被屏蔽掉了
求改。。。男朋友已经被目标学校录了博士。。。
现在补申一个这个学校的硕士。。说多了都是泪

My name is XXX, and I am a senior year student majoring in computer engineering at XXX, expecting to graduate in May, 2017. My background preparation I have made, my research experiences, and reasons to pursue graduate study are described below.
Throughout my college career, I’ve consistently maintained excellent academic records. One instance of this was during my sophomore year at XXX. I was honored with numerous prestigious scholarships and was ranked 4th place out of 611 of students in my department as I received the most prestigious National Outstanding College Student of China Scholarship. I felt proud of myself as it is only warded to only exceptionally bright students. I was selected in terms of my academic records and achievements, one significant contribution was my participation in various electronic device design competitions.
During my sophomore year, I participated in the Robot Car Cup, a challenging competition held by XXX on our campus. I was responsible for programming a microcontroller and my duties consisted of utilizing motor to control the speed and orientation of car, and applying infrared sensors to encode trajectory offset information. However, I noticed that the car still suffered from instability but I discovered that If I simply adjusted the speed of its wheels in terms of the offset returned by the infrared sensors, the car could easily divert from the trajectory due to inertia. Hence, I independently learned the PID control algorithm and implemented it so as to force the car to stably stick to the trajectory. The host gave participants two months to complete the car, during which I spent all my free time dedicated to designing and debugging. Driven by my interests, I was able to overcome various bugs I encountered throughout the project. Out of the 16 projects in competition, my car was honored with 6th place. This experience sparked my initial interest in programming and laid a solid foundation for my knowledge of computer architecture.
After transferring to XXX, I joined the honor section of the C++ class and undertook the challenging assignment of creating a graphical editor and simulator for combinatorial logic circuits with FLTK library. I first built a couple of classes which held the shape of AND/OR/NOT gates. Then I derived classes to develop algorithms to calculate the truth table of each wire and hold data. In the Microprocessor Design class, I learned the booting process of Linux and wrote multiple device drivers and linker files. I was amazed by the power of programming especially in operating system, for instance, how they organize the file structure that could access the disk so fast. I was extremely curious about the structure of operating systems and how they make everything so modular. So from these two classes, I developed an incredible fascination with computer science. I decided to change my major to computer engineering to gain more knowledge about computer science. In this process, I have acquired in-depth knowledge in the fields of computer systems (operating systems), data structure and algorithms as well as mastered various programming skills and languages through course projects. My GPA is lacking for Fall 2016 in comparison to other semesters because I’m currently working on a two-semester undergraduate research program. The grade will be temporarily marked as incomplete until I complete the program.
During a summer research project in my junior year, I was introduced to the world of robotics at the XXX. I independently reviewed the basics of computer vision and SLAM. I then conducted an experiment in which an Android application I had developed was attached to a robot in order to collect data from an IMU sensor. To process the collected data, I wrote extended Kalman filter algorithm with MATLAB and successfully generated the trajectory of the robot. Additionally, I also completed a simple computer vision project to solve the Where’s Waldo Pulzzle with OpenCV. It identified Waldo by initially filtering out irrelevant colors in the certain image and then picking out the pixels with high correlation. This interesting experience motivated me to explore advanced knowledge within the computer science field not just staying the current undergraduate level.
During my senior year, I participated into the “XXX” with a project called “Robotic Arm Vehicle”. The goal of this project was to develop a mobile robotic arm that could be controlled wirelessly through the user’s arm movements. The project was coding-intensive, and required knowledge of computer networking and HCI. I coded the Kinect to sample user’s arm movements, sat up UDP network connections between the main PC and the microcontroller, and developed a graphic user interface facilitating all subsystem components and functions. The project turned out to be a great success as it was honored in the top five projects out of the total forty projects. I am truly proud of these accomplishments because I could see how I could integrate my programming knowledge into an end products and render it to the users.
Currently I am working on my undergraduate thesis concerning XXX. My work involves computational geometry, computer graphics including reeb graph, and intensive object-oriented design and programming. Reeb graph captures the topology of free space and hence generates multiple paths that could guide robotics. However, some of the paths are unfeasible considering the robot’s size. The goal of my work is to calculate the clearance of potential paths and weed out those unfeasible ones. My contribution is to link a computational geometry algorithm, known as hierarchical aggregation, with the reeb graph to calculate clearance. Hierarchical aggregation first aggregates the obstacles as a whole and iteratively releases the free space among obstacles according to the threshold that goes from a large value gradually to a small value. By mapping the released free space and paths that reside in it and dynamically analyzing the threshold value, the clearance information could be obtained.
I intend to master the current state-of-the-art computer science knowledge within the graduate level so that I can gain more advanced knowledge. With my substantial computer science background preparation, I am confident to take on the necessary challenges during graduate studies. My strength rests in my strong independent learning abilities and I believe that it will help me adapt to both graduate school and industry. Throughout my course projects and other competitions, I am able to easily pick up the necessary programming languages, platforms or algorithms needed to progress. I also have an intense passion for producing useful software or webpage, which could provide me with a sense of achievement. My career aspiration is to make an impact on this industry and create helpful end applications and products. I believe that obtaining a master degree in a reputable school XXX will undoubtedly prepare me to achieve such goals and guide me toward my future.

There are just some aspects that need further clarification as the language provides it to be a bit confusing. Additionally, please carefully look over the areas I’ve highlighted to give the readers a bit more detail about how the process of something came to be. The readers want a story of realization/discovery so they get to know you more as a students and a person, right? these small details and making these connections can help you achieve that. Good luck!

paper so gay给的建议，没太懂，哪里的细节需要丰富呢？
语法应该还好，主要就是内容方面的问题

附件就不用下了。。。。我忘记删掉
自己顶上去。。。。。

帮改加米