issue 11--People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own

11. People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

Outline: partial agree,

正：1.建立相对自由而不伤害他人的社会，impossible绝对自由，保障well-being of the society

2.父母送小孩去优秀的学校

反：1.purpose of education, independent thinker,轻易受影响是不成熟表现

正文

1)The speaker claims that it is the exterior forces rather than the interior one that largely determine people's behavior, but is the statement generally correct? It seems difficult to find out which factor have more impact on the conducts of the people, since the cases at different time and different places are quite various. I concede that to some extent, people's behavior are subjected to the environment around them. However, when people grow to maturity and develop a independent ability to handle problems in their own ways, people are inclined to base their behavior on their interior factors, which is also regarded as the purpose of education.

2)Admittedly, the society and legislation have established certain rules which people should obey, in order to regulate and protect the society from being in chaos. It is the assurance of the relativity of freedom of every specific individual in the society that leads to the consents among people not to infringe the basic rights of each other. Otherwise, the unlimited freedom of human are definitely detrimental both to the stability, security and welfare of the whole society. For instance, a man greedy for money cannot just steal it from the bank or other people, which is obviously illegal. It is these legal constraints that preserve the security of people's life, which should naturally forbid the unlimited and irrational behaviors of some people. Besides the legal constraints, people in society are also submissive to other physical restrictions or limitation of abilities, such as the financial limitation of a person obstructs his ability to become a philanthrope.

3)Another conspicuous evidence for the determinant effect of exterior environment is the susceptibility of children. One can just see how prevalent the facts that parents intend to send their children to study in the best school in their hometown. In the ancient China, Menci's mother moved their home for triple times, and at last settled their house near a school, which provided the best atmosphere for Menci to study, who eventually became a great philosopher in China. Due to the naivete and immaturity of children, the outside events can have a major influence on the behavior of them. Thus many parents do their best to create the propitious environment for their child.

4)However, as children grow up to adults, it is entirely possible that the interior factors replace the exterior ones, exerting the main effects on people's behaviors. Being independent, analytical as well as insusceptible to various temptations, all of these abilities contribute to one's perseverance in pursuing his personal goal of life. Moreover, the purpose of education is not just instilling students with knowledge, but to develop other vital abilities of students, such as thinking analytically, putting forward question and solving it independently, self-teaching, etc. Therefore, it is convincing to say that every educated person should have the capacity of sticking to his own desire of success, as well as unaffecting by exterior impacts.

5)In conclusion, although many rules set up by legislation do regulate and restrict the certain behaviors of humans, it is the interior factors, to a larger extent, that have great impact on every educated person, who is insusceptible to temptations, analytical to difficult problems, and perseverant to achieve one's own destination.

words:533

麻烦批改者给点建议，句式上或词汇上的，谢谢。

需要回批的留下地址。

应邀来改。

1) 首先，开门这句话"but is the statement generally correct?"有一种浓浓的托福独立写作味道。。不大建议用这么口语化的表达。这半句话完全可以删掉。
其次，开头段的引导貌似不太对，你先concede了你agree的重心，又用however说了一大堆，这是在告诉读者你的论证重心在however后面，也就是说你的观点是partially disagree. 整个文章三段论证的开头也采用了 让步，让步，转折的架构，明显是重心错误了。你在引导读者接受however后面的观点，但你自己却说了很多admittedly的内容。逻辑词怎么用需要斟酌一下，这是整篇文章的大问题

2)  both to the stability, security and welfare of the whole society   这里用not only but also可能更合适，both and是两者并列一般
the financial limitation of a person obstructs his ability to become a philanthrope 这句话总觉得好奇怪。。为什么要举一个阻止人博爱的例子呢，你完全可以说阻止一个人成为购物狂或者拥有一切他想拥有的东西啊。翻译成中文你自己读不会觉得作者思路很奇怪么。。

3) One can just see how prevalent the facts that parents intend to send their children to study in the best school in their hometown.这句话后面欠一句说明论证。只是这么说并不能说明孩子易受影响。个人觉得这里应该加一句“在孩子的成长过程中，很多重要的事情，尤其是教育，都会受到父母和外部环境的深刻影响。”然后再举例孟子
. 1point3acresThus many parents do their best to create the propitious environment for their child. 这句话和你文章论点一点关系都没有吧。。

4) 这段的论证有点站不住脚。。 这么说LZ看看是不是好点：人在成长过程中经过各种体验（experience）能确立自己的目标，而为了目标会在教育的帮助下培养自己的各种能力（LZ说的那一大堆）。获得这些能力后，人就可以通过独立思考来为自己的行为作出决策，从而想着自己的目标努力。这时，人的行为就更多的受到自己内在动力的影响，而不再在观点、行动方式、和目标上受到外部环境的制约。

5) 结尾段和开头一个问题，把你全篇的重心搞反了。。

m4reiiy 发表于 2013-8-29 12:40
应邀来改。

1) 首先，开门这句话"but is the statement generally correct?"有一种浓浓的托福独立写作味 ...

谢谢大大，终于有人帮我改了，内牛满面。
其实刚开始列提纲时是2正2负的，结果写到第3点字数较多就把最后1负去掉了，使整篇论证重心发生偏移。我把首尾两段改成agree好了
虽然文章被大大痛批，但第一次被这么认真的批改，心里还是非常激动，谢谢大大给我继续写下去的信心。中间3段给的建议也特别好，非常感谢！

xzb88 发表于 2013-8-30 00:06
谢谢大大，终于有人帮我改了，内牛满面。
其实刚开始列提纲时是2正2负的，结果写到第3点字数较多就把最后 ...

不算是痛批哈。。可能说话客观了点显得语气生硬了点

总体来说行文还是很流畅哈，就是一些中国人不易注意的英语逻辑需要注意一下

整个文章重心要不改成反，要不改成正（改开头结尾和论证段的论证倾向），就是一篇不错的issue了哈