我真的太弱了 厚脸皮上来求改ps

哭死，没高级单词，没research， 没project，。。。。没高GPA
然后死憋出来一篇，求改

1.结构有一点乱，段落次序也许可以调一下
2.几个段落太长，英语写作时段落一般比较短，第一句话概括你这段要说什么，后面展开
3.I got a disappointing pair presentation grade. My teacher pointed out my fatal error that I left my partner with little time to practice presentation in order to avoid his shortness in oral English.
讲这些干嘛= =对你自己有副作用
4.总的来说太多太明显没得写凑字数的句子，如果真的没得写，宁愿写到800字也不要加这么多废话
5.多咨询你学统计的同学，多思考，多写一些你对统计学的理解

最大的误区就是前面的hook太长，现在ps最大的禁忌就是模版化。你开头的那些比较虚的东西committee比你还了解，尽量全部去掉。开门见山就开始介绍自己才是真正的personal statement。

我觉得写得写得太散文了。拿出写issue的三段式，直来直去，别绕来绕去，会比较好。

为何不直接粘出来？

你应该直接贴上来。。

eureka7 发表于 2013-10-26 04:48
你应该直接贴上来。。

好吧。。我直接贴上来

This is an era of data and information. When I keep receiving e-mails from Facebook and Twitter informing me of those whom I may be interested in, when my phone rings again and again showing me text messages of sales of my favorite cosmetics from Sephora, and when my mail box is filled with leaflets and brochures introducing to me products that appeal to me, I realize how irreplaceable and powerful the role played by statistics and data in everyday life is.
Having had two years of basic training in mathematics, I had been indulging in the logical structures and elegant theories of it. Yet meanwhile I felt lost. I failed to see the things I could do with what I knew most about-mathematics. At the first lecture of Mathematical Statistics, my teacher, Professor Lihong Wang recommended a book—"Ladies Tasting Tea". It was first time I took a close look at Statistics, and a turning point in my life when I found where my intellectual passion lies. Statistics has thrilled me since I was introduced to it, by combining elegant theories with applications in all kinds of fields, where it would influence the way people live, millions at a time. Hence, I made up my mind to apply for further study in Statistics in America where I can learn more theories and methodology of the first frontier.
In the hope of acquiring more practical experience, I decided to pursue further education. Throughout my undergraduate study, most of my courses were given in lectures, which meant I seldom had chances to do statistical experiments or to apply the theoretical models to other fields like economy and industry. During the lectures of Applied Stochastic Processes, my professor mentioned a lot about how Stochastic Processes were applied to the field of Finance, which triggered me to put what little I have learnt into practice. Markov Process, an extensive applied stochastic model, impresses me most. After reading an essay regarding using Markov Process to resolve problems in fund investment and forecast the tendency of market price, I was absolutely convinced that with the effort of statisticians, almost all seemingly random things in life can always be explained by a certain statistical model. Actually the wider application I knew about Statistics, the more I was looking forward to practicing it. 这边填上那个program的课程设置，表示自己有兴趣。So a graduate education is of great necessity.
Considering the fact that with a Master Degree I could have more job opportunities, I was strongly incented to pursue one. The astonishing amount of data being collected today is literally transforming science, and high skilled statisticians are more than ever in demand. According to the records, graduates of the master program have found employment in nearly all areas, including pharmaceutical research, finance, insurance, market research, public health, and government. After receiving my Master degree, I will try my best to seek opportunities of working in the field of market research and analysis. A job relevant to Business Analysis will be another good choice for me. With the knowledge of Statistics, I am ambitious to improve people’s way of working and living. As a result I am desperately longing to be admitted to the graduate program so that I can hone my skills and get more professional training.
During my years in university, I sought every opportunity to qualify myself to continue a graduate education in the United States. To begin with, attending lectures by experienced and erudite professors, I have built up solid foundation of Mathematical Analysis and Higher Algebra. Furthermore, strong background in Computer Programming facilitates my strength as well. In Numerical Methods and Experiments, I fully utilized and promoted my programming skills. To achieve the most satisfying and accurate results, I combined Matlab with Visual C++ while finishing my experiment reports. I also taught myself to use the data analyzing software such as SPSS and SAS with which I finished several papers. In addition to the two papers I did in my Mathematical Statistics course, I wrote an essay using data analysis and gave a presentation concerning the Global Changing, a new subject concerning the influence imposed to the nature by human. When working on the essay, I applied my knowledge of Statistics to figuring out the consumption of energy, forests, freshwater and the relationship between the consumption and the population growth. Confident with my independent learning ability, I am now studying to master R and SAS on my own.
What I have gained from the last three years is far from just intellectual inspirations. What is equally, if not more, valuable is my own understanding about the meaning to pursue an academic experience in the United States. The exchange program in Michigan State University offered me this concrete understanding as well as equipped me with a lot of precious capacities. Though life in America was totally different from what I had imagined before, I fit into it soon after arrival. The Modern American Language course provided me with a lot of opportunities to do presentation, interview local people, write and join teamwork. Though performing quite well in single presentation, writing and class participation, I got a disappointing pair presentation grade. My teacher pointed out my fatal error that I left my partner with little time to practice presentation in order to avoid his shortness in oral English. The lesson taught me the importance of equality of showing oneself no matter how good or bad one is at certain fields. Moreover, the class of Philosophy, a seminar for graduate students, gave me a chance to experience the life of a graduate student in advance. Large amounts of reading and writing not only enriched my knowledge of individualism but also adapt me into the way in which Americans handle with daily stuff. During the seminar, we could always discuss our own opinions freely even though they might be totally opposite to the reading material, to the idea of our teacher or even to the belief of most Americans. Moreover, parties, free trip to Chicago, county fair and trip to Lake Michigan and Saugatuck all showed me various sides of the United States. This whole program presented to me the belief that America is a place filled with freedom and equality, a place where it is all right to propose something opposite to most people’s belief, where it is common for someone with little experience like me to challenge someone senior, where everyone has a chance realize his or her dream regardless of background and social status, and where it is encouraged to share thoughts, no matter similar or contradictory - a place where academy could thrive.
With this determination, I am now applying to your master program of Statistics. I sincerely hope to be part of your master program to fulfill my goal of being a statistician, not only using statistics to give conclusions and developing new theories and methods, but also trying to benefit humankind and make more people aware of the power of statistics, of both truths and lies that can be told with it.

我大概看了下提个意见。PS不是GRE写作，不要凑那么多长句，补语和从句有些多，看着挺累的。能简单说清楚的话就别加多余的形容词。比如你提到的Markov Process，是阅读PS的教授肯定会知道的，后面那句补充说明的分句其实完全没有必要。还有一些语句的表达有点词不达意。。
字数超过1000有些多了。

上来第一段写得太散文了，开门见山的写法应该会好一点，直接声明自己的优势和purpose。毕竟字数有限制，应该挑最重要的写。

要珍惜字数来说自己啊，对领域什么的理解谈得太多，没有实质内容……前两端唯一的信息是statistics重要，我想到美国学习statistics，却要说那么多弯弯绕绕……
lz说没research, projects，那就要想办法挖掘一下，以小见大，多写具体经历，比如说自己的trip，呈现出了米国xxx，具体一点米国的xxx经历让自己在xxx方面有了xxx的想法
加油！

其实没太看明白？楼主是转专业申统计么？？如果是。我觉得最好将两者关系联系起来

华而不实，感觉没有什么内容。to be more specific