CS master SOP 各位有空请看一眼

SOP也改了好久了，从之前的流水帐改到目前的版本，发上来希望大家有空就帮忙提提意见吧，尤其是逻辑，结构和内容方面。我申请CS Master。

我的结构大概如下：

Para1: 为什么申请Master?

Para2: 本科经历

Para3: 工作经历

Para4: 兴趣(Data Mining)

Para5: 为什么选择XX学校？

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Statement ofPurpose

My objective forgraduate study in computer science is to accelerate my career as softwareengineer which started five years ago. The five years of experience in softwaredevelopment has moved me from junior up to middle level software engineer andnow I am pursuing senior level position. I believe the Master’s program incomputer science is a perfect opportunity to learn advanced knowledge ofcomputer theory and technology required by the senior level position.

Before enteringuniversity, computers are magical black boxes for me and I always wondered howcomputers work. The undergraduate study enabled me to understand the fundamentalsof computers by giving me a very substantial knowledge of the basic areas of computers.The strong curriculum introduced me to a wide range of subjects in ComputerScience and exposed me to several programming languages. The course projectsand undergraduate thesis have given me plenty of experience in programmingusing various programming languages, software packages and operation systems. Moreimportant, the undergraduate study greatly inspired my interest in softwareengineering. I enjoy the process of building up a system or an application fromthe ground up and feel great sense of achievement when I saw the system runningwell as expected.

Aftergraduation, I began my software development career. I worked at CompanyA for 3years and then worked at CompanyB until now. Jobs at both companies are verychallenging because they require engineers to build up high-quality and efficientsoftware programs in a wide range of projects including website, webapplication, mobile application and quality assurance system. Although some projectsare beyond my knowledge, my strong desire for new knowledge driven me to spendmuch time on reading books and open-source projects to learn how to implement thoseprojects. To meet the rigorous standard of business program, I made greatefforts to optimize structure and algorithms of source code to improveefficiency and quality. That was a hard but very rewarding experience whichbolster significantly almost every aspect of my capability. First of all, becausemy jobs embraced many aspect of computer science so it greatly broadened myknowledge of computer and sharpened my programming skills. Secondly, worked in largeproject team augmented my skills to effectively collaborate and communicatewhich will assist me with both graduate study and life. At last, the mostimportant thing I gained from working is the problem solving ability. Almostevery workday I encountered software bugs or issues from clients. Throughsolving these problems I created effective ways to analyze the problem,determine root cause and work out solution.

Among theprojects I did, the advertising data analysis projects regarding Data Mining interestedme most. In the era of Big Data, the explosion of available data rises up new opportunitiesthat create revolutionary breakthroughs in commerce, science and society withData Mining techniques. I witnessed the power of Data Mining when I developed advertisingdata analysis programs in CompanyA and CompanyB. The programs greatly improved thequality of advertising service by providing valuable information extracted froma large amount of advertising traffic data. I believe this meaningfultechnology will bring immeasurable value to our world and I am eager to learn more advanced knowledge which will helpme to build up more sophisticated Data Mining system.

I have selected UTDas the place for me to continue with my education because I found that graduateprogram in computer science suited my need perfectly. The department offers sixtracks of study for graduate students and among them the Intelligent SystemsTrack significantly draws my attention because of its strong connection withData Mining. Besides, the CS Department has a long and successful history ofcollaborating with industry which will provide many intern opportunities to putthe knowledge learned from university into practice. I look forward to joiningthe UTD and I am confident that my strong motivation, my academic backgroundand my professional experience will help me to measure up to the rigors ofgraduate study.

补充内容 (2014-1-4 11:41):
我去，格式怎么全乱了...

楼主重新编辑一下吧   好多词连在一起了    有些影响阅读的说

恩，确实，正在改。

我上传了附件，辛苦各位了。

感觉楼主的每个部分的主旨不是特别明显，且缺少对事例或事理的支撑，简单说就是太泛泛而谈了。
比如你谈本科经历那一段，可以找一个点展开来写（最好能与众不同一些）。比如具体的某个课程或者project。
另外PS字字如金，楼主可以尝试把每句话抓出来，仔细想想这句话传达了什么信息、有没有废话等等。
像这句话：
The course projects and undergraduate thesis have given me plenty of experience in programming using various programming languages, software packages and operation systems.
看似词很多，但是信息量很少。因为写得太泛了，说服力不够。
以上拙见，仅供参考。

细节不够的说，太宽泛了

y哥，个人认为举个具体的实例会好一些

楼主有没有找专业人士给改过语法？感觉有些地方怪怪的，另外个人认为第二段和第三段写的不好，第二段与其罗列一些大的条目不如选一个做过的项目来具体描述，并且可以通过一个项目表现自己的一些特质，比如科研能力。第三段同理，我觉得你不该上来就说我在两个单位工作过，然后就把两个单位的工作放在一起罗列大条目，感觉第三和第四段可以从新改，你在每个公司都工作很长时间，一定有印象深刻的项目，可以第三段写一个项目，同第二段，表现一个自己的强项，第四段写一个项目，表现自己的兴趣，这样就丰富了，要不字数都浪费掉了，感觉你的优势也浪费掉了。另外写的时候最好是紧扣你申请的方向，有关的精力优先，无关的除非特别出彩，不然可以酌情舍弃。个人一点小建议~