工科转CS PS和CV求修改

求狠批！是中介初稿！
Personal Statement

The first time I assembled my computer using computer configuration in middle school brought me to the world of computer science. Out of curiosity about computer science, I started to keep up with related news developments. Google’s AlphaGo artificial intelligence programme defeated a professional human Go player for the first time, which contributed greatly to my interest in computer science. Later, AlphaGo defeated the world’s top-ranking player, marking an astounding milestone in the development of artificial intelligence and machine learning. This advancement led me to reflect on the power and importance of computing as well as on the future direction of emerging technologies. At the same time, the global computer and mobile application development industry has grown by leaps and bounds in recent years. Apps that incorporate the use of large datasets are becoming more commonplace and are bringing increased convenience to our lives through systems such as the Internet of Things (IoT). As computer science remains a compelling topic for me, I am interested in developing more comprehensive expertise in the field. Therefore, studying in a graduate programme would be the logical next step in my education and preparing for my professional career.
My time at Sun Yat-Sen University, majoring in Marine Engineering and Technology, has provided me with a range of theories and skills that I can build upon through advanced study.  To better grasp computer science, I participated in the China Undergraduate Mathematical Contest in Modelling and studied Mathematical Modelling with my group members. Through this process, I taught myself machine learning as well as algorithmic optimisation methods (graph theory and dynamic programming) and evaluation methods (neural network analysis and cluster analysis). Working with a lot of data in ACCESS and EXCEL during the competition also gave me a basic idea of how to create a database. Furthermore, in my Data Analysis Methods in Oceanography module, I was able to classify the data using entropy and cluster analysis through MATLAB to further analyse the current situation of water resources in the cities of Guangdong Province. In addition, the Computational Fluid Dynamics course taught me how to build and compute the “quasi one-dimensional nozzle flow” model using the C language and MATLAB. This course gave me an initial understanding of the wide range of applications of computer science. In all, I believe that my undergraduate education has prepared me extensively for taking on a more comprehensive and systematic Master’s course.
In addition to the theories and skills learned at the undergraduate level, I have had opportunities to develop my hands-on abilities. Fortunately, I joined the research team of Associate Professor Peng Xie, whose work focused on Marine Engineering Structure Performance and Safety using Python in conjunction with engineering tools such as Abaqus. I was struck to see how many manual tasks had been replaced by programming. To reduce time and programming procedures, I referred to a script programme written in python developed by my senior for modelling based on the model using Python. This inspired me greatly to continue my research in this area. As I studied more, I was astonished at how many processes it could eliminate, and I believe this highlights the necessity to continue developing deep learning in the field of computer science. Pursuing my interest, I intend to use Python for secondary development of engineering software for capstone project. In order to get ready for my final project and further education, I am currently studying the Java language and Berkeley CS61B Data Structures in Java.
Though it was hard to transfer major, I require a more in-depth investigation into computer science to adequately prepare for a career in the field as my current knowledge is still limited in many areas. Through my research, I have found that Bristol’s MSc Computer Science (Conversion) programme is precisely what I need to fill in the gaps in my skill set. The programme hosts an expert faculty that can impart comprehensive knowledge of the field as well as help me to specialise in certain areas. The two foundation courses Introduction to Computer Science and Overview of Computer Architecture allowed me to quickly catch up with further study of computer science. Especially, I am most interested in Object-Oriented Programming with Java as it will enable me to programme in the Java language to understand how good programming could help me and how to implement programmes in Java. I am thrilled to be able to quickly get involved in the project. Participating in the events and interacting with industry professionals and career advisors will broaden my industry knowledge and perspective as well as expand my network. Furthermore, I am attracted by the prospect of living in the UK and experiencing a master’s course in an ancient and culturally significant city.
Upon graduation from the Master’s degree, I hope to join an internet company such as Uber Booking in a software development position that would allow me to develop extended professional knowledge. I hope to take the lead in the design and development of Internet software based on customers’ needs. Meanwhile, I will integrate my art design skills and programming to develop some small games. Ultimately, I aspire to join a game company such as Ubisoft or Guerrilla Games, and continue game development. These fascinating technologies are helping to make a difference in society and would make a fulfilling career moving forward. I do not doubt that Bristol can allow me to accomplish these goals.
Thank you for your consideration.


目前我是觉得第一段特别套路，想让中介删掉改成阐述为什么选择从海洋工程转CS，请问还有其他修改意见吗



EDUCATION
Sept. 2019 – Jun. 2023   Sun Yat-Sen University (SYSU, “Project 985”)
Bachelor’s degree
Marine Engineering and Technology
GPA: 3.1/5.0
Jun. 2022 – Aug. 2022   University of Nottingham Ningbo China
Mobile Studies Summer School
RESEARCH EXPERIENCE
Jul. 2021 – Present         Marine Engineering Structure Performance and Safety Team (Zhuhai)
Research Assistant   
·        Participated in research on “Collapse capacity of pipelines with internal corrosion defects and oval deformations”, which has been submitted to the core journal
·        Wrote MATLAB programmes, established models with Abaqus, and completed literature review
INTERN EXPERIENCE
Jul. 2022 – Aug. 2022     China Telecom Research Institute
Mathematical Modelling Engineer     
·        Completed the review of “Data Centre Energy Consumption Models” and submitted the paper
·       
Jul. 2021 – Aug. 2021     Digital Guangdong Network Construction Co., Ltd.
Operations Management Intern   
·        Involved in product planning (including the production of presentation documents and papers) and quotation logic
·        Responsible for RPA vendor research, requirement statistics and clarification
·        Participated in product bidding
·        Planned departmental group building activities
EXTRACURRICULAR EXPERIENCE
Sept. 2021 – Dec. 2021   Youth League Committee
Secretary of Organisation Department   
·        Organised and prepared departmental activities, including writing the activity plan, booking the venue, and summarising after the activity
May 2021 – Present        Southern Marine Science and Engineering Guangdong Laboratory (Zhuhai)
Student Volunteer     
·        Worked as an long-term interpreter in the exhibition hall and was responsible for guest reception
·        Wrote speeches and explained the experience of the main research results of the laboratory to teenagers and children
·        Drew and designed pushed emojis, new media illustrations for the exhibition hall, exhibition boards, and layout of conference brochures
Jan. 2021                         Winter Vacation Admissions Club, SYSU
Admissions Member   
·        Compiled admissions videos and added subtitles
·        Awarded the title of “Outstanding Admissions Member”
ADDITIONAL SKILLS
IT SKILLS
Proficient in Adobe Indesign, Adobe Premiere Pro, MATLAB and MS Office
LANGUAGES
IELTS 7.0
ACHIEVEMENTS
Silver Medal of the SYSU-CHINA 2021 at the International Genetically Engineered Machine Competition (IGEM)
Honourable Mention of China Undergraduate Mathematical Contest in Modelling
Third Prize of Model Boat Competition

补充内容 (2022-09-19 11:19 +8:00):
1.        我觉得用这种所见所闻反而会暴露出我们对这个方向没有那么了解，因为那边的招生官可能是这个方向的，而且这些东西都是众所周知的，（并且这个例子是人工智能方向而不是软件开发……）不太能体现我个人的特色，很套话。
2.        另一个是我想要体现出为什么我要转专业，如果我没有选择计算机作为我的本科专业（英国那边很少有调剂的说法吧））的话，为什么我要在硕士换专业呢，所以我还是倾向于以“Unlike 我的同学 who mostly 选择在海洋工程继续深造，I have decieded to move from 海工 to CS and taught myself some of the relevant knowledge in the last two years”这个句式作为开场吸引考官的注意力，后面再加“Out of curiosity about computer science, I started to keep up with related news developments. ”这一句，后面的我觉得是可以完全删除的，直接接我本科做了什么没有问题。
3.        然后如果要扩展的话，可以：
（1）转到It isn’t the first time I touch programming until I enter Sun Yat-Sen University.早在高中的时候我们学校就尝试过以“low-code”的形式（实际上就是拼拼图，但是这些拼图遵循计算机的逻辑，这种一般叫“低代码”，这个可以作为启蒙）
（2）我是MINECRAFT的玩家（player），在这个游戏我们用大量的“Cube”以一定逻辑实现不同的功能，对我来说，软件开发也是类似的，软件开发员（Software Development Engineer）就是利用各种“Function”as “Cube”，在一定的计算机逻辑下实现不同的功能（因为后续有提到过我想做个人游戏开发，所以拿这个做例子可以呼应）
（3）就按我之前写的性格因素，我觉得文书里体现个人性格还是很重要的。

这是我给中介第一段的修改意见......

个人感觉类似第一段很像模板，在很多PS里看见过。。。。 是否可以换种方式或者创新一下？

Voncx 发表于 2022-9-28 20:56
个人感觉类似第一段很像模板，在很多PS里看见过。。。。 是否可以换种方式或者创新一下？

再仔细看了一下，这个中介就是套模板，具体效果不是招生官我也评价不了，但还是建议楼主自己修改一下再交给fiverr看看

这第一段看到过好几次类似的了，确实像套的模版

见到校友不容易，同是理工科转码，感觉开头段的引入有点生硬和后面经历对不太上，其他部分感觉可以再凸显一下转码动机会好一点

微信用户_blue9979 发表于 2022-9-30 13:51
这第一段看到过好几次类似的了，确实像套的模版

好的好的，谢谢，已经修改了

IBER 发表于 2022-11-7 16:56
见到校友不容易，同是理工科转码，感觉开头段的引入有点生硬和后面经历对不太上，其他部分感觉可以再凸显一 ...

谢谢建议，后面自行修改了下，把整个第一段删掉重新阐明了转码动机

这个文书写的废话很多，第一段花了一大半将alpha go，但是只有一点点将自己。ps 要更多地将自己，新闻一两句就够了

微信用户_1c36c8d 发表于 2022-11-15 21:19
这个文书写的废话很多，第一段花了一大半将alpha go，但是只有一点点将自己。ps 要更多地将自己，新闻一两 ...

好的好的，谢谢你！已经修改了！现在是以转码原因开头