TPO21独立写作求批改

限时完成的TPO21的独立写作，希望各位大神给点评分意见。字数：378。语法错误已改，共5处。

题目是 Do you agree or diagree with the following statement？
For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school.

正文：
Study hard in school is quite important for you to get a good job after graduation. The ability to relate well to people, however, plays a more critical role in achieving success in the career. Studying hard makes a solid foundation of your success, while progress in the future job also requires to understand others and to have a good reputation among your team.

Without studying hard in school, it would be more difficult for one to succeed. University courses are hard, and one can rarely reach good scores without hard work. Large companies or those competitive start-ups will not even consider offering an applicant the interview opportunity if the applicant got a GPA lower than 3.0. In the top companies, one will learn better and faster. Failing to have a good job really hurts one's ability to succeed in the future job.
.1point3acres
Once you get into the realm, the ability to communicate matters more. Inadequate communication can result in terrible results. Imagine that you have been working on a project for 4 days, and when meeting with your leader, you just realize that you have totally misunderstood the task. Poor skills of relating to people can result in poor communication skills. Also, if you had related well to people, this kind of condition would be less likely to happen. Your colleagues or your leader may notice the problem earlier, so you don't need to waste as much time as four days.

Furthermore, earning a good reputation is a crucial step to success in the area. To make the fame, you not only need to be professional but also need the ability to relate well to people. If you just have the professional skills, few people will know that, though you always perfectly finish your tasks. Your merits will be spread more widely if you are relating well with others in your field.

To sum up, the ability to relate well to people is indeed more important to be successful in the career than doing good in school. Once you get into the field as the result of your hard work in school, understanding others well and gaining a good reputation, which needs your to relate well to others, will benefit you more in the career.

感谢！

fayllkw 发表于 2018-7-30 21:38
嗯感谢评价，但我有点疑惑。
. 1point3acres.com 1. 如果写多的画，我很容易写车轱辘话，这样也没关系么？
3. 实际的例子是 ...

1、空话套话没有用，ets不喜欢，你其实可以通过把例子写详细扩充字数
2、比如说你可以直接给出公司的名字，你朋友在做一个什么项目的时候犯了个什么错误，上司的反馈具体是怎么样的，他经过这件事后明白了什么，再由此得出你的结论。。。。

1、字数太少了，当你的英语水平没达到native speaker的程度时，建议至少上500字，最好上600字
2、第二段是做让步？但是最好能在本段后半部分说其实relate更重要，而且让步段最好放在结尾段前
3、每段最好都有实际的例子（越细节越好，可以是你朋友的例子，可以是你自己的例子，也可以是名人事例）
我写过一个托福备考经验贴，lz可以去看看

fayllkw 发表于 2018-7-31 10:21
不好意思再打扰一下，能否再评价一下我修改过的文章？
我主要补充和修改了一下每个论证段的逻辑，和具化 ...

第四段也可以引入一个像第三段一样的具体例子，这样把字数飙到600字我觉得可以稳拿good了，其他没什么问题~

zhuliang06 发表于 2018-7-30 12:31
1、字数太少了，当你的英语水平没达到native speaker的程度时，建议至少上500字，最好上600字
2、第二段是 ...

嗯感谢评价，但我有点疑惑。
1. 如果写多的画，我很容易写车轱辘话，这样也没关系么？
3. 实际的例子是要多细节？我举的large company这种例子还是太泛了？

zhuliang06 发表于 2018-7-30 22:09
1、空话套话没有用，ets不喜欢，你其实可以通过把例子写详细扩充字数
2、比如说你可以直接给出公司的名 ...

了解了！谢谢！

zhuliang06 发表于 2018-7-30 22:09
1、空话套话没有用，ets不喜欢，你其实可以通过把例子写详细扩充字数
2、比如说你可以直接给出公司的名 ...

不好意思再打扰一下，能否再评价一下我修改过的文章？
我主要补充和修改了一下每个论证段的逻辑，和具化了第二个论证段的例子。

正文（总计字数545）：
Studying hard in school is quite important to get a good job after graduation. The ability to relate well to people, however, plays a more critical role in achieving success in the career. Studying hard makes a solid foundation of our success, while progress in the future job also requires us to understand others and to have a good reputation among the team, or even the field.

We should admit that, without studying hard in school, it would be more difficult for one to succeed. University courses are hard, which means one can rarely reach good scores without hard work. Also, large companies or unicorns prefer applicants to have excellent academic performances in school. For example, these competitive companies will not even consider offering the interview opportunity to an applicant if he/she got a GPA lower than 3.0. Furthermore, it's common sense that one would improve oneself faster and have more chances in top companies, thus having a better chance of success. That's why studying hard in school lays a solid foundation for our career.

However, once you get into the realm, the ability to relating well to others matters more. Failing to get along well with others usually means inadequate communication, which can result in terrible results. One of my friends was an intern at Amazon, and once he wasted a lot of time due to lack of communication. His leader asked him to modify a framework as they needed to add some new features. He accidentally misunderstood and thought he was required to write a brand-new framework. He didn't notice that until the next week when he again was in a meeting with his mentor. If he had related well to people, the mistake could have been noticed by others much earlier so that he would have wasted much less time. Making this kind of mistake could even influence one's progress in career, as the leader may think he or she is not reliable enough to do the job. Therefore, the ability to relating well to others is quite essential for success in a future position.
   
Furthermore, earning a good reputation is a crucial step to success in the area, which requires one's ability to relate well with others. To make the fame, we do need to be professional, which can be achieved through hard work in school. However, probably everyone in similar positions is professional, because this is why they earn the job. In contrast, another necessity to make the fame, letting others know the work we have done, is achieved by only a few people, which definitely requires us to build connections with others. Our merits will be spread more widely, and our hard work will be seen by more people if we are relating well with others in the field. Thus, the ability to connect well with others is a more critical factor to success in career.
   
To sum up, the ability to relate well to people is indeed more important to be successful in the career than doing good in school. Once you get into the field as the result of your hard work in school, understanding others well and gaining a good reputation, which needs you to relate well to others, will benefit you more in the career.