2023fall升学攒人品 帮批改作文

考了几次家考写作都是满分，纯国内自学备考，对于写作提升比较有心得
特别是词汇量不高、高级短语使用不熟练、语感不好的，其实也可以拿到高分
需要批改可以把作文贴到下面，我可以帮忙提一些意见和修改

求批改 考了两次 一次25 一次24 楼主看看问题在哪哈

Q: Children nowadays rely too much on technology, such as computers, smartphones, and video games, for fun and entertainment; playing with simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for children’s development.

Technology has changed our lives in myriads aspects over the past few decades. Now, when it comes to the issue of whether modern technology has a positive impact on children's development, people’s opinion differs from individual to individual. Some believe that technology fosters young people’s development; while other imply that playing with toys or hanging out with their friends help a lot. However, in the ultimate analysis, I content that modern technology influences young people positively, especially when improving their intellectual ability and helping release pressure are taken into consideration.

First of all, modern technology benefits children’s mental development. To put it another way, with the development of all kinds of social media, electronic devices and satellite TV programs, children have the opportunity approaching advanced science fields. As a result, these advanced programs help develop their intelligence level. Take my nephew Jason for example, he has watched outer space exploration programs when he was five. No matter how busy he was, he always watched one episode twice a week, and his parents were quite supportive for this. By his sixth grade, he was extremely good at math. Even his math teachers so very impressed that giving him an opportunity to share his experience to the whole class. Undoubtedly, those scientific TV programs contributed him to gain the knowledge and rather improve his intelligence level. However, if children are forbidden to embrace new technology, it will be quite hard for them to develop intelligence.

In the second place, technology gives children the opportunity to release pressure. Nowadays, children are under great burden for having so many schoolwork. Computer games provide entertainment and even help children concentrate more when they come back to study. For example, my friend’s child Jess always complains after a long day study. This eleven-year-old girl takes saxophone and ballet class after schoolwork since she has broad interests. She always shares with her mother that playing with her Ipad gives her a thirty-minute mental break, and she feels very fresh when she goes back to do the homework. Indeed, entertainment helps people get rid of negative emotions and become much more positive again.

Admittedly, hanging out friends or playing with toys benefit children’s development as well. Talking with friends would improve children’s communication skills and playing a puzzle game would make them get used to solve problem independently. However, electronic devices can also achieve this in a more convenient way. Chatting apps and video games would certainly help reduce the traveling cost and time.

To sum up, although playing with friends and toys would help children’s development, modern technology has much more positive influences for children, especially on the perspective of improving their intelligence level and reducing pressure.