求助 下列PS开头哪一种好一点

第一种如下，括号里是本来的例子，但是后来觉得可能political了，就换了它前面一个例子

Inthe summer of 2018, I participated in the China Household Finance Survey inBeijing, in order to provide a research project with the basic first-hand data.When our team arrived at the location of selected family samples, what (was) infront of us was a community with demolished housing. For the first time, I washighly aware of the importance of timely and accurate data. (When stepped intoa block of economically affordable housing, we were shocked by the luxury carsfull of eyes. It was the first time I was highly aware of the importance of theactual data.) The rapid development of Internet technology and exponentialincrease of data have greatly facilitated our lives, but they have also broughtus greater risks such as false information and privacy disclosure. These issuesare exactly the main concerns of Information Management.

Iwould like to incorporate knowledge of information management and data analysis into future enterprise development, and to revolutionize themethodology for business analysis and decision making. I believe I can beequipped with the skills and practical experience required for these jobsthrough your Information Management program.

第二种是p2p

Recently, the collapse ofPeer-to-Peer lending platforms seems to have become the norm in China. The mainreason of their failure is inadequate risk management, and the P2P market isjust the epitome of this era. The rapid development of Internet technology andexponential increase of data have greatly facilitated our lives, but they havealso caused greater risks such as privacy disclosure and fraud. And theseissues are exactly the main concerns of information management. I would like toincorporate knowledge of information management and data analysi into future enterprise development, and to revolutionize themethodology for business analysis and decision making. And your information managementproject is able to equip me with the skills and practical experience requiredfor these jobs.

还是说大家觉得两种都太啰嗦 应该开篇就说自己的兴趣或者职业规划？

还有就是看见ps说要少讲点个人经历？那ps说啥。。。

本渣渣有申请不同的项目，有的是cs，然后倒是可以说说做app和web开发的例子，但是有的是偏数据科学的，怎么把app和web联系过去呢？因为也没啥别的实习啥的了，现在想到的方式就是这些实习增强了解决实际问题的能力和编程技巧，并且数据分析学到的知识可以将自己平台开发的经验结合起来，更好地去方便别人运用分析结果进行决策啥的。大家觉得呢？

万分感谢了QaQ

除了内容上啰里八嗦以外 你的第一段我还真没看懂什么意思。。。汗 为什么看到demolished housing 就意识到后面的东西了？When stepped intoa block of economically affordable housing, we were shocked by the luxury carsfull of eyes又是什么。。。？
回到内容上 这种可有可无的经历和感触 就别写了 开门见山 单刀直入 转专业的同学写点简要有说服力的感触就行了

另外 我申请的项目里面也有information management/information science这种不太好说的专业 楼主多多交流了

觉得都不是特别的好：PS或者SOP中引用个人例子是为了给下文自己的申请动机做论证，同时也可以借由例子体现出自己对专业方面的热爱；这两个例子感觉和你要做的专业之间并没有什么必然的联系，感觉逻辑上说不太通（尤其是P2P的，P2P平台的倒塌和数据有什么关联？）；另外在讲述例子的时候尽量采用真实、具体的细节来体现，我意识到数据的重要性，这个重要性体现在哪？（就拿household 展会做例子，房企利用市场数据进行调研，得出客户偏好，策划出更加适合某种消费群体居住的户型【比如说精装，适合工作忙碌996无时间打理装修的白领】，这之间的环节体现出了数据的重要，是决策的基础）

当然了，这只是我个人的看法，楼主还要多结合自己经历，参考下别人的意见

刹那刹哪 发表于 2018-10-1 21:31
另外 我申请的项目里面也有information management/information science这种不太好说的专业 楼主多多交流了

嗯嗯！谢谢啦

SeanYee 发表于 2018-10-4 15:18
觉得都不是特别的好：PS或者SOP中引用个人例子是为了给下文自己的申请动机做论证，同时也可以借由例子体现 ...

超级感谢QaQ