第一次写独立作文，不知道方向求指点

TPO1 independent writing 之前看过一些写作的结构啊，段落安排什么的，然后用1个小时连写带改完成了第一次的独立，各位大神能帮我看看大方向有没有问题吗？
These days we often hear about that many students, especially freshman students, claim that social activities and sports should receive equal financial funding which is as same quantity as the classes and libraries. They insist that these things like social activities are, to some extents, even more meaningful than things like study and research. However, in spite of this belief, everyone who has been to college suspect that this is not the case. Close examination doesn’t bear out that claim.
Firstly, although people state that good conditions for sports and social activities do better for the development for students in the universities. I doubt whether this argument bears much analysis. We should realize that the university or college is the institute for our students to study and research. The purpose of the education in the university is to enhance the ability of learning and improve the capacity of the knowledge from diverse fields or specific areas. In modern city, without enough knowledge and ability, one can hardly get jobs when everyone live in the competitive environment. I can think of no better illustration than the example of my friend. My friend, named Jack, has great talent in social contact. He is also interested in various sports. He enrolled in lots of social club and had been engaging in doing sports with his friends. But one thing important he forgot is study well. As a result of that, he has to face lots of difficulties in finding a good job.
Another reason to my position is that there is no need to exceedingly emphasize sports and social activities on campus, since students can also do these things off campus. Admittedly, sports and social activities indeed have certain merits which deserve to be development. But we can do these things off campus without wasting resources of universities, like in clubs, in stadium and so on.
Last but not least, too much investment in sports and social activities is a great waste of money concerning the teaching and research is the most crucial part of the expense of the universities. Everyone knows, the funding that school uses in the operation and development on campus is finite, which means the exorbitant cost in the sports and social activities is a kind of waste of money, which will definitely do harm to the teaching and research activities with the result of the limited qualified gradute.
Based on these reasons that are mentioned above, on no account should the university regard sports and social activities as comparably important as classes and libraries, let alone give equal financial support to sports and social activities.

hear about that -> hear that; freshman students -> freshmen (first-year students); which is as same quantity -> which is of same quanqity that (); these things -> such things (建议少用things); to some extents -> to some extent; Everyone who has been to college ??? 你凭什么代表所有人，大忌; suspect ... not -> would doubt(虚拟语气); doesn't -> would not(别简写，很不专业)；doubt whether -> doubt that; modern city -> modern cities; when everyone live....废话直接改成in a competitive environment; social contact -> making social connections; is study well -> studying hard; as a result of that -> as a result; finding a good job -> job search (job hunting); my position -> my stance; exceedingly -> excessively (over-emphasize); admittedly indeed删一个; have certain merits很生硬，不如换个简单的; deserve to be development -> deserve development.

But we can -> however, we can;  and so on -> etc. Last but not least 建议换，所有中国考生都这么写;  and research... -> while/since research...; everyone knows -> it is obvious that; waste 你就不能换个说法吗，出现了很多遍了;  全文有些地方用词非常强硬坚决，却给不出很硬的理由。 建议注意一下一些词和表达方式的语气强度，不要只是套背过的用法。顺便求加米。感谢