看看评改完后，再写一篇自己的长进有多少。

昨天一篇被组长大人狠狠又犀利地批了，当时就清醒很多了。
今天又屁颠屁颠来一篇猛的，自己已经改过了。。还借鉴了很多网上的句子（脸红。。）
求再批改
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题目：
Professional athletes, such football and basketball players, do not deserve the high salaries that they are paid.
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思路：同意
1.运动员付出很多努力
2.运动员高风险
3.运动员职业时间短
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When reading a sports and entertainment magazine, you will never fail to be shocked by the extremely luxurious lifestyle of sports stars. Some people maintain that sports players should not get such huge number of salaries, as they are unable to make a contribution to the world as much as other experts do, such as scientists and painters. Whereas from my point of view, professional athletes definitely deserve the high salaries for all the effort they make, high risk in the games and considerably shorter career.

Some people hold the view that it is too easy for players to get high salaries that they even don’t make any effort. These people only see the success of the athletes but fail to pay attention to their effort behind the trophy. As a successful athlete, one must have come through a long way of pains and sorrows, must have endured a whole winter of struggle before his/her spring of success. For instance, Yao, the famous and successful basketball player in China, began to play basketball at age of 6 and practiced more than 8 hours every day until then could he become the leader of Chinese basketball.

Another reason is that being a professional athlete is definitely of high risk and it’s easy for them to get hurt, such as football and basketball. According to a recent survey, every year there are thousands of players get hurt in the contests and some of them are so heavily hurt that can never be able to play sports any more. For example, Tfoud was once a famous football player in England while he hurt his left foot in a game in 1975, after which he could no longer play football and even could not run as fast as normal people. The example of Tfoud is only a typical one while it is widely acknowledged that attending competition is not safe. Once taking the high risk into consideration, we can easily understand and accept the high salaries they earned.

When it comes to the length of athletes’ career, almost athletes can only show themselves in the playground before 40 years old or even early. In the other words, when they are old, the physical condition does not allow them to run as fast as before. What occurs inevitably is that the fresh blood replaces the old. On the hand, they don’t have any other skills, which results from contributing all their time to sports when they are young, to make a living. Thereby, a high salary is reasonable for their relatively shorter career.

Although the high salaries can be explained by the three factors above, the sports stars, as members of the society, should assume their parts of obligations to promote the development of their country. Anyway, an athlete, especially the famous, should strive to set a good example for the society instead of being a big spender.  

Professional athletes, such football andbasketball players, do not deserve the high salaries that they are paid.

When reading a sports and entertainmentmagazine, you will never fail to be shocked by the extremely luxuriouslifestyle of some sports stars. Some people maintain that sports players shouldnot get such huge number of salaries, as they are not so competitive with otherexperts, such as scientists and painters, in terms of contributions. Whereasfrom my point of view, professional athletes definitely deserve the highsalaries for all the effort they make, high risk in the games and considerablyshorter career.

Some people hold the view that players don’tdeserve the high salary as they are paid because of the less effort they havemade. These people only see the glorious side of the athletes while ignoretheir hard payment. As a successful athlete, one must come through a long wayof pains and sorrows, endure a whole winter of struggle before his/her springof success. For instance, Yao, the famous and successful basketball player inChina, began to play basketball at age of 6 and practiced more than 8 hoursevery day until then could he become the leader of Chinese basketball.

Another reason is that being a professionalathlete is definitely of high risk and it’s easy for them to get hurt, such asfootball and basketball players. According to a recent survey, every year thereare thousands of players get hurt in the contests and training. To make thingseven worse, some of them are so heavily hurt that can never play sports anymore. For example, Tfoud was once a famous football player in England while hehurt his left foot in a game in 1975, after which he could no longer playfootball and even could not run as fast as normal people. The example of Tfoudis only a typical one while it is widely acknowledged that attendingcompetition is not safe. Once taking the high risk into consideration, we caneasily understand and accept the high salaries they earned.

When it comes to the length of athletes’ career,almost athletes can only show themselves in the playground before 40 years oldor even early. In the other words, when they are old, the physical conditiondoes not allow them to run as fast as before. What occurs inevitably is thatthe fresh blood replaces the old. On the hand, they don’t have any otherskills, which results from contributing all their time to sports when they areyoung, to make a living. Thereby, a high salary is reasonable for theirrelatively shorter career.

Although the high salaries can be explainedby the three factors above, the sports stars, as members of the society, shouldassume their parts of obligations to promote the development of their country.Anyway, an athlete, especially the famous, should strive to set a good examplefor the society instead of being a big spender.  

总体写得很不错 局部地方需要修改

1 Some people maintain that sports players should not get such huge number of salaries, as they are unable to make a contribution to the world as much as other experts do, such as scientists and painters.

Some people maintain that sports players should not get such huge number of salaries, as they are not so competitive with other experts, such as scientists and painters, in terms of contributions.

2 Some people hold the view that it is too easy for players to get high salaries that they even don’t make any effort. These people only see the success of the athletes but fail to pay attention to their effort behind the trophy.

Some people hold the view that players don’t deserve the high salary as they are paid because of the less effort they have made. These people only see the glorious side of the athletes while ignore their hard payment.

3 According to a recent survey, every year there are thousands of players get hurt in the contests and some of them are so heavily hurt that can never be able to play sports any more.

can = never be able to, 删掉一个

4 还有一处时态的问题，应该是现在时更好些吧，而不是现在完成时

5 其他未列修改见上面高亮文字，这里时间关系不再一一列举（论坛把我高亮的给弄没了，此Bug……）

hdchina2010

2013-08-15

hdchina2010 发表于 2013-8-15 17:08
Professional athletes, such football andbasketball players, do not deserve the high salaries that th ...

感谢帮忙修改文章，学到不少！特别是帮我润色的两个句子！

hdchina2010 发表于 2013-8-15 17:08
Professional athletes, such football andbasketball players, do not deserve the high salaries that th ...

感谢帮忙修改文章，学到不少！特别是帮我润色的两个句子！

LBS 发表于 2013-8-16 09:41
感谢帮忙修改文章，学到不少！特别是帮我润色的两个句子！

客气，一起进步~