TPO1独立作文求改-体育和课外活动与上课和图书馆是否同等重要

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.
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In the past, majority of people think sports and social activities are just supplementary to classess and libraries, so they received far less money than classes and libraries. However, with the development of society, a growing number of people advocates that sports and social activities should be treated equally because they are of the same importance as classes and libraries. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the latter one.

The ultimate goal for universities and colleges is educating people. So it's necessary to  invest a large amount of money to libraries for purchasing new books and upgrading facilities. Also it's wise to spend money on improving the quality of classes. However, we should never neglect the significance of sports and social activities in college education thus an equal amount of money should be invested.

First, sports and social activities benifits extra-curriculum activities. As the old say goes, all work and no play make Jack a dull boy. Students should be given enough time to relax and sports might be an ideal choice. It's a good way to release pressure and keep fit. Social activites help them make friends of same interests. I can hardly imagine a school life without friends.

Second, sports and social activities contributes to the fame of the universities. I admit that some universities got its fame by the high quality of classes available to students. But there's no denying that an outstanding sports team will make the university well known. The college I attend spend a lot of money on our footteam in hiring experienced coach, purchasing new training equipment. And it turns out to be a wise investment when our team championed in the nationwide competition.What's more, my college encourged its students get engaged in social activities such as volunteer in hospitals. Doctors as well as patients think highly of our volunteer work and local newspapers put it on the headline. It's obvious that it benefits the fame of universities.

So from the points above, we can safely arrived at the conclusion that sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

第一次发帖，请大家批评指教

开头段：典型的让步转折型开头，还不错。不过so they received far less money than classes and libraries这句，你的意思应该是说政府投资不平衡的事情是吧？但是你回读一下就发现，这句话写得非常的...confusing. 再有，"However, with ..., a growing number of people advocates that"这句，给人感觉是在陈述一种社会客观现象，实际上并不是，只是你的opinion，最好改掉。

第2段：这一段着重讲大学的主要功能，对第1段进行进一步详述，引出第3、4段。但是！个人的建议，由于美国人的思维比较直线式，因而建议TOEFL作文只用“总分总”结构：第1段开头，第2~4段开始分论点阐述，最后一段总括，不要有别的段落。

第3段： improving the quality of classes这个表达有点Chinglish了，试着改一改；然后整个段落感觉说了很多问题——学生需要休息啊，因为休息可以缓解压力啊，其实社交活动也是极好的啊，社交可以交朋友啊，大学没有朋友不行啊。但是可惜的是都没有详述，结构稍嫌松散。不如抓住一个问题，举两三个排比的例子，排山倒海地说到底。

第4段：sports and social activities contributes to the fame of the universities.语法错误自己找。其他还OK啦

整体上尚可，四六级作文的味道比较重，建议研读OG4分5分范文，了解美式文风后，再求批改。Raw score大致在3.5左右

perlin 发表于 2013-9-8 20:50
开头段：典型的让步转折型开头，还不错。不过so they received far less money than classes and libraries ...

谢谢perlin提了这么多宝贵的意见。我会继续努力的