独立作文求改

最好的教育是否发生在学校？

It is commonly believed in my community that school is where people go to get an education. I was sent to school and constantly kept with the story which is if you work hard and do well and get a college degree, you would have a good job. However, until graduated, I realized how this test-oriented education in school had stifled the creativity and capacity of individuals to achieve their full potential. Therefore, it is not school where you could get a best education.

School like the well organized factory, whose general pattern varies little from one setting to the next. It requires children to arrive at school at the same time, takes assigned seats. Instead of using informed methods of blended instructions to confusing, perplexing children and evoking real questions which are the magnets that draw them towards their teachers, schooling is always the same dehumanizing chatter and buzzwords in class. As a result, students skip out classes. Some children interrupt their education to school. Furthermore, schools do not have all the facilities that enable us to acquire the knowledge. As it did in the case of a nursing intern from a medical college who spent 8 months in the hospital stated that she did not learn so much knowledge in school in four years as she did at work with the same arduous training during 8 months.

In conclusion，the real safety and value of our nation is preparing this next generation with a better education ground instead of current schooling. In order to becoming the best place for children to get education, I dare say it is a pittance what school would require to begin to solve some problems.

您好，还请您修改一下并期望您宝贵的建议！谢谢！

同学请问是第几次写TOEFL作文？建议仔细研读OG里面的4分、5分范文以后，大致了解TOEFL作文的结构、踩分点了，再上来求修改。
I'm gonna be frank. Your essay is more like a speech than a well-organized article.

Here is my opinion.
1.有些拼写和语法错误注意自己修改，不然考试的时候还是会出现的~比如：confusing, perplexing children...应该是confused,perplexed children吧...
2.有些句式感觉太生硬，感觉是为了写长而写长，比如第二段的第二句，没有必要写这么复杂，可以用错落的中短句群来表示，反而更自然，表意也更清晰。
3.事例太少。T的作文对逻辑复杂度之类的没有太多要求，但是一定要concrete and detailed。所以你提出来的每一点我都建议举出实例加以佐证，同时也能增加文章的长度。个人觉得T的作文评分还是挺看长度的。
4.用词上可以再斟酌一下，比如the real safety and value of our nation is preparing this next generation with a better education ground instead of current schooling.我真心没读懂... safety, value of our nation和education ground这些说法都觉得怪怪的。还是建议大词小用，着重细节进行描述，也比较符合西方人的习惯。
考试好运哈~

JustForR 发表于 2013-9-20 19:29
Here is my opinion.
1.有些拼写和语法错误注意自己修改，不然考试的时候还是会出现的~比如：confusing, p ...

非常感谢您的建议，具体的我该怎么准备呢？

However, until graduated, I realized how this test-oriented education in school had stifled the creativity and capacity of individuals to achieve their full potential.楼主这句话改成倒装句你看怎么样？However， it was not until blablabla只是个人愚见，还望和Lz交流，T之路，我们一起学习