求各位狠批。谢谢。people who move out of village are happier and more successful

Nowadays, the society is developing in a high speed, and many people spend no effort achieving successful and happy lives in the modern society. Recently, a heated debate whether people who move out of the native village or town are happier and more successful than the people who do not arouses the public concerns. Different people have different opinions since individual has various definition about success and happy. Depending on personal experience, personality type and emotional concerns, I agree with the statement that people who move out will be happier and more successful. My conspicuous opinions will be substantiated based on the following reasons.

First and foremost, no one can deny the fact that modern cities have developed more quickly and better than native village or town, since the science and technology there are highly developed and they have improved people’s lives there. Therefore, people who live in modern cities will be more likely to enjoy better lives and live higher living conditions than in native village or town. It is true that out of the native village or town there are more opportunities to succeed because of modern facilities and highly developed technology. For example, it is common sense that computer is an important tool for people to get information who want to be successful in specific areas. However, in native village or town there are less computers than in modern cities and even in some places people do not know computers.

In the second place, in modern cities people are more likely to meet the chance in job market, with which people can promote their career positions and improve their job salary. It is true that with better job conditions people will be happier since they can acquire the sense of success when they are awarded by their boss. Since success is directly linked with the achievement in jobs, people who move out of native village or town are more likely to feel successful. In addition, unemployment rate in native village or town is relatively low and people usually have difficulties finding suitable jobs. Without enough money, living conditions of people in some village or town are even below the average living conditions in the society. According to a recently survey, over 83 percent of people who participate in the study are more successful in their jobs after they move out of native village and they point out that more opportunities in job market improve their sense of happy in lives.

Last but not least, admittedly, it is too extreme to say people who move out of native village or town are happier and more successful than people who do not. We should admit that in the native village or town, the environment is usually cleaner and more quiet, which is attractive to some old people. People who enjoy peaceful lives are definitely happier if they do not move out of native village or town.

In light of all the aspects discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that people will feel happier and more successful if they move out of the native village or town, since modern cities are highly developed, people living there will improve living conditions and more opportunities are out of the native village or town.

三个点：1.大城市发展的更好
大城市就业机会更多
让步一下，乡村比较安静空气好，对一些人来说可能生活的更幸福

Nowadays, the society is developing in a high speed(开头第一句话有点Chinglish有点抽象，会有稍减印象分), and many people spend(spare) no effort achieving successful and happy lives (快乐的生活用的是a happy life, 哪怕是很多人的快乐的生活， life这个词复数表示的是“几条命”。而且，这里achieve和a happy life也是不搭的) in the modern society. Recently, a heated debate whether people who move out of the native village or town are happier and more successful than the people who do not arouses the public concerns. Different people have different opinions since (加each/an/every/a single) individual has various definition(s) about success and happy(happiness).（以上两句都是用来写开头的万能模板句，建议改掉） Depending on (加what) personal experience, personality type and emotional concerns, I agree with the statement that people who move out will be happier and more successful. My conspicuous opinions will be substantiated based on the following reasons.

First and foremost, no one can deny the fact that modern cities have developed more quickly and better than native village or town, since the science and technology there are highly developed and they have improved people’s lives there. Therefore, people who live in modern cities will be more likely to enjoy better lives（同上） and live higher living conditions（名词和形容词搭配出错，condition只能说好坏不能说高低，可以改为living conditions of higher level） than in native village or town. It is true that out of the native village or town there are more opportunities to succeed because of modern facilities and highly developed technology. For example, it is common sense that computer is an important tool for people to get information who want to be successful in specific areas.(这句话里面，对于电脑的功用的描述值得推敲) However, in native village or town there are less computers than in modern cities and even in some places people do not know computers（Chinglish）.

In the second place, in modern cities people are more likely to meet the chance in job market, with which people can promote their career positions and improve their job salary. It is true that with better job conditions people will be happier since they can acquire the sense of success when they are awarded by their boss. Since success is directly linked with（用词有点不准确但问题不大，linked with指利益相关，或者在非常正式的文体中用来表示联系紧密，这里用relevant to会比较自然一点） the achievement in jobs, people who move out of native village or town are more likely to feel successful. In addition, unemployment rate in native village or town is relatively low and people usually have difficulties finding suitable jobs. Without enough money, living conditions of people in some village or town are even below the average living conditions in the society. According to a recently survey, over 83 percent of people who participate in the study are more successful in their jobs after they move out of native village and they point out that more opportunities in job market improve their sense of happy(happiness) in lives.

Last but not least, admittedly, it is too extreme to say people who move out of native village or town are happier and more successful than people who do not. We should admit that in the native village or town, the environment is usually cleaner and more quiet,(用词可以再高级一点，改成more livable and silent) which is attractive to some old people(Chinglish, 改成the elder / the senior / the old). People who enjoy peaceful lives（同上） are definitely (这个词虽然你的本意只是用在让步段结尾句的一个小小的副词，但是非！常！的！致！命！因为你开头段下的结论是“赞成搬离乡村”；然而这里又说“绝对是不要搬离乡村好！”一旦被考官判为“文章主旨观点不明”，raw score很可能3分以下！改成maybe/ propably/ perhaps/ sometimes等等就好)happier if they do not move out of native village or town.

In light of all the aspects discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that people will feel happier and more successful if they move out of the native village or town, since modern cities are highly developed, people living there will improve living conditions and more opportunities are out of the native village or town.

三个点：1.大城市发展的更好
大城市就业机会更多
让步一下，乡村比较安静空气好，对一些人来说可能生活的更幸福

看LZ还写了提纲蛮有诚意的，所以改得也比较多一点。
整片文章篇幅足够了，观点&内容都很充实。但似乎可以感受到中国人习作的印迹
问题:一是Chinglish的表达略多，除了标示出的以外还有一些，可以再自查一下；
       二是观点没有充分展开，一段里面，举例子的篇幅只占了小部分，说理的篇幅偏多；
       三是开头和结尾出现了模板的痕迹，珍爱生命，远离模板
最后一个建议，TOEFL writing不用写任何的让步段落来体现你思维的深度。总分总的文体最对老美的口味，简单粗暴就能拿高分

我的思路：
第一点吧，城市发展很快，生活水平较高，我们可以享受和消费很多在乡下找不到的东西，比如高档服装和高级饭店；
第二点，由于城市发展快，提供了很多工作的岗位和创业的机会，为人们实现梦想提供了舞台；
第三点，由于城市的这种特点：生活水平高，人口密度大，我们更容易满足自己的需求，找到志同道合的朋友（辅以例子），所以也会更加快乐；

偷懒，看LZ的成文，学习了...

lillian0 发表于 2013-9-20 20:47
我的思路：
第一点吧，城市发展很快，生活水平较高，我们可以享受和消费很多在乡下找不到的东西，比如高档 ...

谢谢。
我也觉得这篇写的理由怪怪的。
同28,29？

perlin 发表于 2013-9-20 18:13
Nowadays, the society is developing in a high speed(开头第一句话有点Chinglish有点抽象，会有稍减印象分 ...

以前一直觉得要让步一下最后一段。
这篇写的时候就觉得里有什么的很牵强。然后语句也很僵硬。不过自己word里面看了一遍又改不出什么。
谢谢~

MylittleDonkey 发表于 2013-9-20 22:01
谢谢。
我也觉得这篇写的理由怪怪的。
同28,29？

对...是不是在看胡平的JJ？

lillian0 发表于 2013-9-20 22:06
对...是不是在看胡平的JJ？

没，康老师。
. 胡平和康老师出入大吗

还没看过康老师的...看了胡平和底胤超小范围的 感觉差不多

MylittleDonkey 发表于 2013-9-20 22:04
以前一直觉得要让步一下最后一段。
这篇写的时候就觉得里有什么的很牵强。然后语句也很僵硬。不过自己wo ...

不客气，敢拿给别人挑错本身就是一种勇气！