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[T作文-已改] 独立作文求改

[复制链接] |试试Instant~ |t作文-已改, toefl
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和现今相比,过去人们更容易断定那种工作是成功稳定的。
All the parents and their children have been tortured by the pressure of various job selections. In the past, people would easily judge a successfully stable works and undertook them. Today, though, they must do a lot work to get a well-rewarded work.

It is much easier for past generations than the people which live today to judge the successfully stable work. Historically, the work supply were rationally distributed, they were not so much people pursuing the same work as it is today and it took no time to consider the possibility that one would be replaced by someone else. As a result, they could easily judge from this. Within years, they could successfully do the work and amply rewarded with high salary. In contrast, people must list his own strength and weakness in terms of the opportunity and threat of the work. In which will take a long time to do.

On the other hand, people nowadays have many difficulties in judging the work. Unlike past generations, who had narrow range of work selections. People have to think about working environment, the culture of the institution, the promotion, and all these add the difficulties to people to make a best choice. There are many other temptation distracting you from thinking this. All of these can be seen on the daily life. As it did in my case, instead attempting to find a job, I stay at home studying in order to go abroad. Meanwhile, I have always haunted by the work thing. It is really difficult for me to choose a successfully stable work in these days.

With the technology and science developing fast, people must be knowledgeable on all aspects to improving the ability to judge daily things. This may cost them a lot time. During which they can take a shower, watching movies and so on.

Above all, I firmly support that past generations are easily inclined to judge the work which are successfully stable.

点评

点评免评分(版主注意,LZ请忽略)  发表于 2013-10-13 20:24

上一篇:史上最权威的听力和阅读加试
下一篇:托福备考大礼包 在淘宝上花钱买的
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perlin 2013-10-13 20:22:07 | 显示全部楼层
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本帖最后由 perlin 于 2013-10-13 20:26 编辑

All the parents and their children have been tortured by the pressure of various job selections.(All? 第一句话就说得有点太绝对了,torture这个词用得极好) In the past, people would easily judge a successfully stable works (单复数错误,而且work这个词的复数形式指的是“作品”,应改为jobs)and undertook (你确定是要用这个词嘛?)them. Today, though, they must do a lot work to get a well-rewarded work. (这句没看懂,建议写完作文自己回读一遍,你会发现自己写的有些句子怪怪的)

It is much easier for past generations than the people which (who)live today to judge the successfully stable work. Historically, the work supply were(was) rationally distributed, they (there)were not so much (many)people pursuing the same work as it is today and it took no time to consider the possibility that one would be replaced by someone else. As a result, they could easily judge from this. (这句没看懂)Within years, they could successfully do the work (manage their own job)and be amply rewarded with a high salary. In contrast, people must list his own strength and weakness in terms of the opportunity and threat of the work. In which will take a long time to do. (最后一句应该不是一个独立的句子吧?)

On the other hand, people nowadays have many difficulties in judging the work. Unlike past generations, (文章到此为止,出现了好几处用词重复,会减印象分;比方说“工作”这个词一直在用“work",这样的话考官很容易判定你是limited vocabulary,可以用jobs, professions等等词来paraphrase一下)who had narrow range of work selections. People have to (改成tend to)think about (改成consider) working environment, the culture of the institution, the promotion,(the opportunity of getting promoted) and all these add the difficulties to people to make a best choice. There are many (语法!) other temptation distracting you from thinking this.(What does this "this" mean?) All of these can be seen on the daily life. As it did in my case, instead attempting to find a job, I stay at home studying in order to go abroad. Meanwhile, I have always haunted by the work thing. It is really difficult for me to choose a successfully stable work in these days.

With the technology and science developing fast, people must be knowledgeable on all aspects to improving the ability to judge daily things. This may cost them a lot time. During which they can take a shower, watching movies and so on.

Above all, I firmly support that past generations are easily inclined to judge the work which are successfully stable.

看得出来,和上次相比,LZ有在练习,尤其是一些高级用词应该有研究过或者查过词典。
可是Obviously,文章中出现了太多的语法错误,要知道TOEFL作文不应当出现任何的低级语法错误!
文章的说理还是有一定的逻辑性和新意的,但是全文没有一个长达50词以上的具体例子,这是对于TOEFL作文来说是致命的,整篇文章读起来还是CET4的味道偏重。
还有,在写TOEFL作文的时候,要知道是
你的义务让读者来看懂,而不是读者的义务来看懂你的文章,这一点和中国人是反过来的。所以写完以后麻烦多读几遍自查后上传批改,试图站在别人的角度想想,别人能不能读懂我写的这句话?
本文必定是fair级别,严格批改的话会落到limited,Raw Score 3.5分以下





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 楼主| mingneng 2013-10-13 22:53:28 | 显示全部楼层
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perlin 发表于 2013-10-13 20:22

我首先非常感谢学长能这么尽心阅读我的短文,于我粗俗笨拙的语言,能有这么详细的点评,感谢您的时间,我会认真阅读意见修改,继续努力!谢谢您们!
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perlin 2013-10-14 09:00:26 | 显示全部楼层
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mingneng 发表于 2013-10-13 22:53
我首先非常感谢学长能这么尽心阅读我的短文,于我粗俗笨拙的语言,能有这么详细的点评,感谢您的时间,我 ...

语言并不笨拙,关键是基本功的问题
对了,文章的长度有点短,试着30min内写到靠近400词看看
加油!
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